Tuesday, May 19, 2009

About Me

So, this is the real me I guess. I love people. I am loud and draw attention to myself because I know that will help people with their own problems. As long as they’re laughing with me, they’re not sad and hurting inside. Sure, they think I might be a bit immature and sometimes, I do really enjoy not having to grow up. But when people sit down and talk to me, they realize that I am a lot deeper than I appear. I reach deep inside myself and into my own experiences every time to help people when they ask for it. Anytime that anyone asks for a favor from me, or advice, I really try to put my heart into it. I know that maybe if I give enough of my soul to who I’m trying to help, they’ll stay with me no matter what.

I struggle with my spirituality sometimes but seriously, who doesn’t? I know in the end that God will take care of me as long as I try as hard as I can. Even if my trying is really bad, I know it’s acceptable in His eyes because it’s the most I can give and that’s all He will ever ask of me.

As for people trying to spread rumors about me, I’m not sure about that one. People can say what they like about me but I know who I am and if they’re trying to hurt me, it’s probably because I’ve felt something in them that they were trying to hide. I know how lonely pain can be and that’s why I ask them if there is anything I can do to fix it. Even if I can’t fix it, at least I can make the process a little less painful.

I stay in touch with what’s popular around me because I feel insecure about myself sometimes. I keep up to date with technology, fashion, culture, music and any other recent trends in order to be the person everyone expects. So, I guess you can call me a bit worldly. I don’t let that worldliness get in the way of who I am most of the time. I guess I try a little too hard to be what I think people are expecting of me. The thing is, people like all the stuff above that came before the worldliness. So I guess that means that I get confused with actual expectations and perceived expectations. And it’s because of this confusion that makes me depressed sometimes and go back inside my head. I feel like I’m a smart person and if I just think about things long enough, it’ll solve them.

The problem is, that’s not true. I’ve started thinking so much that life has passed me by for a while and left me standing still. So, now here I am, trying to live in the moment and balance those feelings from my heart, and those thoughts in my head. I can’t be in one place or the other. I can help them know they are loved and where to turn but that’s about it. I’m just a companion on their journey, I am not their answer. I am really optimistic though, even when I do get depressed. I know it’ll work out eventually so I don’t worry about trying to “fix” how I’m feeling. I know the right feelings will guide me. And most of the time, I’m pretty happy. So that's me...

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