Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Undatable (Oooh good horror movie title)

One of the most interesting things about being a major in psychology was to see who would pick what topics to write their research papers about.  I heard one of my professors say one day that usually, the people who struggle with something will choose that topic to write about.  That makes sense.  It's a really good way to do a lot of research about your struggles under the guises of academia.  How awesomely brilliant!
And I was no exception to the rule.  I remember writing about homosexuality, pornography, bullying, sex education, emotions, depression, and other subjects that had either directly or indirectly influenced my life.  People may say they choose something in the social sciences for altruistic means.  This is simply not the case.  People just working in the social sciences because it helps them feel good, helps them feel appreciated, fills a little hole inside them, or provides them with some sort of purpose.  This is not to lessen the impact that these people have on the lives of their clients (I would never debase myself like that), it's more of just a general observation as I've worked in the field for a little while now.  I am at the point that I can be honest with myself enough to know, or at least try to understand, what my motives are.
I have been doing some self-evaluation lately.  Unfortunately I can't say that it was because of some desire to be a better person, or some other more noble motivation.  Honestly, it happened because I was dumped twice this last week.
To give you an update, I have honestly been doing *so* much better now that I am on Wellbutrin.  I have noticed a huge change.  I still get down because of actions or situations that affect me.  But I don't get so down that I feel like there is no way out.  I am quicker to laugh, more understanding, and more helpful than before.  Honestly I don't think I've had this many giggle fits in a long time.
So this last week-ish, maybe a bit longer, I went on some really good dates.  One was with a guy that I had been talking with for a little while online.  He and I would write long emails to each other a few times a day.  I felt like we had a lot in common.  I went out with him, thoroughly enjoyed my evening, and thought that maybe I would actually have a chance with this guy.  He was beautiful, fun, and we seemed to get along fine.  Then I didn't hear back from him for a few days.  The only time I would was if I texted him first.  So one day I just honestly asked him if he was interested.  He told me he wasn't.  He told me he was looking for a quiet life and I'm more of a city boy.  And that was that.
The second boy I took out seemed to go better.  We got along well, enjoyed each others' company, both seemed to get excited about our upcoming dates, and he and I went out a few times.  Unfortunately, he did not feel that *spark* that most people do when they are in a relationship that they feel really good about.  At least he was honest and open enough to come and tell me he wasn't interested instead of just hoping I'd give up trying like the other guy.  Honestly, this second guy hurt me, and when he came to talk to me I couldn't stop crying.  A lot of my own issues and insecurities came up in that moment.
This is where I got to thinking.  Both guys had told me some interesting things.  They told me I was fun, cute, smart, charming, genuine, loving, and overall just a good guy.  So...I'm not seeing a problem here.  If I have all of these wonderful qualities, why is it that I feel like nobody wants to date me.  That thought was the heardest to bare.
So what are my good qualities?  And what makes me undatable?  This is what I've been thinking of for the past week.
I've noticed more of the good that I do this past week than at other times.  I work with at-risk youth.  Many would consider that a tiresome and hopeless job.  It is tiresome, but I enjoy my work.  I get a great satisfaction from it.  I am very helpful here: both staff and residents give me good feedback and appreciate having me around.  That's definitely a plus.
I am usually quite good at listening and being patient with people and their problems.  This has come into play more in my social life than in my personal.  I had two friends in high school tell me that if it weren't for me, they would've taken their lives.  I made them feel special and worth something.
Which brings me to another thought.  If I can make others feel special and worth something, what is it that makes it so hard for me to make myself feel like that?  I honestly look around at others and are envious of them.  I see they have more friends, people talk to them more, they seem more happy and stable, and other things.  I judge myself very harshly based on these and other characteristics.  I think to myself that other people *deserve* to feel special.  I, however, do not.  There is simply no room in this world for someone like me.
This is not to say that I am incredibly depressed or sad or anything at the moment.  I've actually had quite a good day and am feeling very positive.  I'm just honestly trying to analyze my feelings.  Or perhaps overanalyze is a better being a psychology ruins lives!
So, what makes me undatable?  Well I've been trying to process my feelings with friends over the last few days.  One suggested that I might be intimidating to some.  I have a hard time with that one considering that I am a little guy with absolutely no power to do any harm to another person using brute strength.  But maybe my personality is intimidating.  Someone told me that I seem very confident and put together.  Well I'm glad the facade is working!  Or maybe I am just more confident that I even realize.
Another friend said that guys just aren't ready for commitment.  Well, not all of them aren't, and I have plenty of evidence of that!  I've had more people that could be my father hit on me than I can even count.  And that's just creepy.  I like older guys and everything but people please?  I draw the line at 32.  But it is true that most guys my age are just looking to where they can get their next hookup.  Which kinda sucks for me since I'm looking for something a little deeper.
It was also asked of me why I was in such a rush to get into a relationship.  I think that question has multiple facets to it.  I was definitely raised in a culture where marriage at a young age is desirable and almost forced upon me.  The fear of never finding someone that I can truly have a connection with has also crossed my mind.  Will I live out a life totally alone and devoid of an emotional and spiritual connection with another person, so deep that my heart and soul is invested in it?  I dare not think about it.  Er...obviously I do or else I would not have suggested it.
So is there a point to all this?  Maybe not.  Maybe I've just been rambling or wanting to write in my blog since it's been a while.  I don't know.  We are our own harshest critics.  That I can truly attest to.  And many of my friends can attest to telling me positive qualities about myself, that I just refuse to put stock into.  Maybe my thinking is too black and white.  I feel like the bad of me outweighs the good, so therefore, I must be bad.  Just a possibility.
I will continue living life to the best of my ability.  I must be doing something right if I have so many friends, and so many positive experiences with those friends.  This might just be a time where I have to have faith in myself, and faith enough in my own abilities to begin to like myself. 
I've come to the point where I've stopped asking people on dates.  I don't really see a point to it.  Why waste money or my heart on something that will probably just end in dissappointment?  If someone asks me on a date, awesome, I won't be turning it down.  But this dating frenzy of mine needs to stop.  It's not going anywhere, and it won't go anywhere.  It's time to accept that.  At least just being with people as friends will help take the pressure off.  Then maybe I won't look so desperate.  That's probably why I'm undatable.