tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-872522965157383102024-03-13T10:14:07.028-06:00Hope's JourneyHope can never be taken from me. I hope for a brighter tomorrow and to learn from yesterday. I hope to love, be loved, and change the world.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-72677849170256402612014-01-03T20:06:00.000-07:002014-01-03T20:06:09.415-07:00The Beginning of Something DifferentI've been thinking over the past little while what I would like to say regarding the beginning of a new year. I could go into great detail about my marriage, honeymoon, subsequent legal marriage when discrimination in my state was struck down (woo!), or just talk about my life. But some things that have stuck out to me recently have made me focus on one thing: me.<div>
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Ha! I'm sure some of you got a smile out of that one. I act fairly conceited at times. Honestly, it's something that I used to do to help my self-confidence, and I've sort of adapted it into my personality! I love to joke about how awesome I am, or things of that nature. Well, I don't have to joke...I am awesome.</div>
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I've recently began my internship as a therapist and there's one thing that I notice in myself, as well as my clients almost on a daily basis. We care about those around us. I'm almost certain that anyone who is actually a complete narcissist has no cares whatsoever about the people around them! And some of the reasons people get hurt the most is because of the actions/reactions of others.</div>
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I know that for me, if there's a situation where a friendship is at stake, I do almost everything in my power to fix the issue. Now this can sometimes come at a cost to my own feelings and well-being. This happened again recently, and instead of doing my regular thing where I would grovel, or apologize incessantly for things that were out of my control, I stopped. I don't need to do that. I don't need to take responsibility for the actions of others, and I ESPECIALLY don't have to take responsibility for how others react to me.</div>
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Now, I do have to add a little caveat to that last part of that last paragraph. I'll try to explain it to make it a little clearer. Obviously, if I'm acting inappropriately or being a complete wretch, I do have to take some responsibility for how those around me react. But for an example, let's say that I'm having a really rough day. I could go about dropping hints (more about this later) to my bad mood and hope that someone comes and rescues me. Or I could simply tell a friend that I'm having a rough day and ask them if they wouldn't mind coming over and keeping me company. </div>
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How they choose to react to that request is their business. Whenever you pose a question, the other person ALWAYS has the choice to say no. So if you really don't want someone to have that choice, don't turn what you're saying into a question... </div>
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Now if I was having a rough day because of something that friend said or did, and I chose to express that to them, I still have no control over their reaction. I would hope that in order to preserve our friendship, we could work together to clear up any misunderstanding that may have occurred from either of us. But that friend still has the choice of getting upset and refusing to listen to anything further I have to say, or getting defensive and turning it into a fight.</div>
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I've seen conversations go both ways. And this is where myself and a lot of my clients come in. We keep things to ourselves. We hold hurt feelings deep inside, and we don't let them go. They fester, they grow, and pretty soon, our emotions are completely blown out of proportion to the incident. It's difficult to take that first step in discussing emotions with someone you trust, because you know there's a chance it could get out of hand! Not to mention that we live in a culture that glorifies fixing things (and not talking about them), getting things done alone, and not seeming emotionally vulnerable. It all leads to a boiling mess!</div>
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So sometimes we try and drop hints. I hate to break it to everyone, and this includes myself, but human beings are just awful when it comes to getting hints. We don't get them. As much as I wish I could, I'm still not a mind-reader. Even with studying human behavior, there is no way you can sit and go through all the possibilities that someone is trying to get at with their dropped hints. Plus we just don't have the time. So stop trying to drop hints! It doesn't work. No, for real. There are studies.</div>
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People like my clients and myself can go through life not wanting to ruffle feathers. We don't want anyone to think we're a burden, or to see us weak, or to drag someone's mood down. We come up with plenty of excuses to not talk to people when we're hurting. And I don't much care for that.</div>
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That's why I'm beginning to focus on me. I like to give this analogy to clients who choose to put their own needs aside: imagine you're viewing a cliff. Someone you care about is at the bottom of the cliff. There is no way for them to get up that rock face by themselves. Would you rather be at the top of that cliff, or the bottom to help them?</div>
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I would rather be at the top, and here's why: there's so much more I can do for them at the top of the cliff! I can throw down a rope, I can coach them up, I can tell them about another path, I can encourage them to keep trying, or so many other things. If I'm at the bottom, I could try and lift them on my shoulders but if that cliff is more than 12 feet high, that's not going to work. I couldn't give them advice because I'm stuck there too. In order for me to help others, I have to be taking care of myself first.</div>
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Oh man, did you feel that guilt just creep in? Our culture places so many demands on us. I know that here, it is pretty much expected that you drop what you're doing to help others. If not, you may be seen quite negatively. But here's where my resolution kicks in. I don't have to take responsibility for how I am seen by others. How they view me is really none of my business! If I've been doing things to put myself in a centered place, and I stumble upon someone who could use a helping hand, of course I'll help. But if someone's in a deep hole, and I have no reserves left to give out, I may not be any help to them. I may end up getting pulled in, and then we're both just stuck together. That isn't to say that I don't want to give company to those who are feeling lost or stuck. That's part of empathy: sitting in those crappy feelings together! But if I have no reserves left, we'll both end up trapped. And rather than me being up at the top, I'm lost at the bottom.</div>
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Do you see where I'm going with this? It's not selfish to take care of yourself. I've seen people time and time again suffer because they put the needs of others in front of their own. Just to be clear, I'm not implying that we should all take on a view of hedonism. We are much better prepared to help those around us, if we are in a good place.</div>
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So I summarized my New Year's resolution into one phrase: I'm going to be more active and less reactive.</div>
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If I need to, I will make my needs known, I will take better care of myself (in whatever form that may be in the moment), I will fill my life with what I know makes me happy, and I will cut out what is toxic.</div>
Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-79619505501810141032013-06-18T22:29:00.002-06:002013-06-18T22:32:06.886-06:00Four Years!<br />
Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote in my blog! There have definitely been times where I thought, "oh man these thoughts need to go into my blog," but they never did. Shame on me for not sharing my infinite wisdom with my adoring fans. I shall have to do better than that.<br />
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I also can't believe that four years ago from Sunday, I came out. Well, that's when I came out publicly. And what better way to do it, than to broadcast it on Facebook for all the world to see! I still stand by how I came out publicly. I had previously come out to family and close friends, so I wasn't being a horrible person by using technology...maybe...but anyway! I never would've expected my life to turn out how it is right now.<br />
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Let's have an update: I'm engaged to a MAN, I work at the Utah Pride Center, I've started my own group in Provo supporting the LGBTQ community, and that's just things surrounding my outward place in the community! There have been so many other things that have gone in my life. <br />
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I think the biggest thing for me over the last four years is my sense of self. No longer am I totally controlled by outside forces. Notice that I said "totally controlled". I still accept influence from others. But that's the giant difference! I accept influence, rather than being acted upon. What a novel concept! I honestly don't think I would've understood that concept four years ago. Back then, my world was the perceptions of others.<br />
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I was just about to say, "who I am has vastly changed" but I don't think that would be an accurate statement. I think to many people around me, who I am may seem different, but looking at it myself, who I am is who I've always wanted to be. I am slowly discovering my true self and embracing it!<br />
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I don't think it's possible to ever understand absolutely everything about yourself. I think it's a never-ending journey. There are always little nuances and intricacies that wiggle their way to the surface. It's a fun and fascinating journey! At least it has been for me.<br />
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For those that new me four years ago, and look at me now, I think I know what the biggest change they've seen is: happiness. My happiness has increased exponentially since coming out!<br />
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I was fortunate enough to talk with a friend on the train today. I knew her back in...2008 to 2009 I believe. So pretty close to when I first came out publicly. As we were getting off the train, she asked me, "So really, how are you?". <br />
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I haven't given that question much thought as of late. For those of you who don't know this, I have a big pet peeve around the question, "How are you?" as people are passing. It's basically being used today as, "hi" or "sup". I've taken my own personal challenge to actually say how I'm feeling when asked this question. I dare say it's been a pretty fun experience! Ha! People don't really expect you to answer honestly.<br />
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Ok, off my rant. I really thought about that question tonight. I am really doing well! I am doing far better than I ever was when I was back in the closet. I am happier, healthier, friendlier, more kind, sensitive, and more willing to risk new friendships than ever before. This has lead to a huge increase in my love for others, and the love for myself. I've started to see what I have to offer the world, and how grateful I am for what the world has given to me.<br />
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I think there is some explaining in order. When I first came out, I said that I was going to stay in the church. I'm sure there are some other things that I said in there that some people might now accuse me of not doing. I'm sure friends have whispered quietly (or perhaps they have better things to whisper about than my personal life), wondering what's going on in my brain. Well, let's take a peek shall we?<br />
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First on the agenda, my relationship with the LDS church. I grew up in it. It is a part of who I am, and I will never forget or forsake or even regret where I came from. I have been taught so many wonderful life lessons about love, sacrifice, kindness, endurance, and peace from the church. I would not give those up for any reason.<br />
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And lemme tell you, I still have a spiritual side. I can feel those same wonderful feelings I felt while in church as I do listening to a beautiful piece of music, or seeing the earth in its natural beauty, or even while sharing my love and care for a friend. These are the same feelings! I've just found them in different places.<br />
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Also, how I've chosen to follow what I was taught has changed. Let me tell you something friends, and especially my friends who can be overbearing with their sensibilities...the church teaches you to ask questions. Believe it or not, it really does! Unfortunately, some of that has been turned around. There are times when people might say, "oh, don't question that. Just keep doing such and such and you will know it's right in the future..."<br />
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Well that might be all well and good but it's not the true teachings of the church! The church has taught through its leaders and its scriptures to seek KNOWLEDGE (that means stuff outside the religion too), and also to look through holy books, as well as to ASK if it is right. That means, you look up stuff, you do research, you look up scientific journals, you ponder what feels right in your heart, you think of what Jesus would do, you read through religious texts of many sorts, and then you ask.<br />
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I did that. I did it with a few things. The first thing that I did it with was how I was living as a closeted gay man. I fought harder than I ever have before to receive an answer. I researched, I prayed, I fasted, I did all those things I had been told to do in my church. And do you know what happened? I received an answer, just like I was told I would. My answer wasn't a loud voice proclaiming truth. It was a feeling of peace, and a direction for my life. The direction I was told was to live authentically and that it would all work out in the end.<br />
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I followed what I was told. Any of you who dare think or say that I'm just doing this out of the blue, or even that it is a choice, are fools! I followed your doctrine, I received an answer, and I followed my feelings. And I've never been happier.<br />
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Now, how I've chosen to live my spiritual life is a little different, but the principles are very much the same. The church teaches to follow that which makes you happy, right? It teaches that anything lovely, or of good report, and so on and on, you should go after. I have taken this to mean that anything that makes my life happier, more wondrous, more fun, and doesn't hurt anyone else, is a good thing.<br />
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So I've changed my behavior. I date boys! Shocking, I know...actually, I'm engaged to a wonderful man as I type this! Well, that's because, like I said earlier, I received my answer, and also, I'm happier, my life is more wondrous and fun, and I'm not hurting anyone else. I'm sorry, but if my relationship with a man somehow destroys your religious foundation, you must've had a pretty weak foundation to begin with.<br />
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I also drink. Gasp! I know! The most horrible evil of all evils! Alcohol is of the devil! Well, not in my experience. I've always been a firm believer in the idea that too much of a good thing, is probably too much. Moderation is a fantastic idea, and is taught by the church as well. Hey hey, look at that! So I decided to try alcohol. <br />
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Actually, funny story, the first time I tried alcohol was an accident. It was an extremely minty drink, so I didn't even know it had alcohol because it was covered by the mint taste. After I realized what I was drinking, I did the sensible thing. I let my boyfriend know at the time that I was drinking, and that I wanted him to drive home afterwards. I drank another cup of the drink, until I started feeling a little fuzzy in my thinking. I'm smart enough to know that that's what being drunk feels like, even prior to drinking. And I stopped!<br />
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Imagine my surprise when the world didn't come to an end! I had an absolute blast! I wasn't crude, I didn't fall over, pass out, or throw up. I was a more exuberant, fun, and wondrous me! And it felt great! So I've continued to drink occasionally. Guess what? I've still never been drunk enough to pass out, to get a DUI, to throw up, or to make a total ass of myself. So I plan on continuing to drink occasionally.<br />
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I know that might come as a shock to some, but that's me people. Oh, I suppose because I did that, I probably smoke now, and do drugs, and all that other good stuff. Surprise coming...NOPE! I don't do any of that actually! Do you know why? It's because for me, it is not lovely, or of good report, and I've seen what it could do to me and those I care about. So, following my own prescription of asking questions, I came to the conclusion that those things weren't right for me. And here I am not doing them and still being happy.<br />
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I never would've imagined that me being happy, was actually about ME. Just follow me for a second. What I thought was happiness, was actually a prescription BY other people FOR other people. It wasn't for me. It was a general recipe for what makes a certain group of people feel happy. And, just so you know my Mormon friends, you are a MINORITY, in the big wide world. It just so happens that I live in Utah where the church seems like an all-encompassing entity.<br />
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I fight for the rights of my LDS friends. Do you know why? It's because I hope, and pray that as I fight for what they believe in, and what makes them happy, that they in turn will fight for what I believe in and what makes me happy.<br />
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Sadly, some of my best friends have chosen not to support me in my marriage. I'm not entirely sure why they have done so. I don't know what they are trying to prove. I don't know if their religious identity will shatter if they attend a gay wedding. I honestly don't know because they haven't chosen to tell me. <br />
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I say to them, if you have HONESTLY done everything that I talked about earlier (prayer, research, listening to feelings, thinking of what Jesus would do, searching your soul, etc.), and you come to the conclusion that you shouldn't attend my wedding, or be supportive of me, then you shouldn't. Because if all of those things tell you that you shouldn't, it's probably not the right thing for you. And I accept that, and I accept you as you are. Just as I hope you do of me.<br />
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I love you guys, and am so grateful for the support that I have received. I am surrounded by wonderful people. I have a wonderful life. I know who I am. I know that I am happy, and I know that I am in love. No one can take those feelings away from me or tell me that they are less of the "real" things. Nope! I'm authentic, and I'm living as I've been taught. I've received the answers I have, and I know they're the right ones for me.<br />
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May everyone find authenticity, and true happiness.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-88149123858741947612012-12-17T11:21:00.001-07:002012-12-17T11:23:51.099-07:00Listen<br />
There are times when people tease me about what I'm choosing to do for a living. I even tease myself! The more I study and dedicate myself to my craft, the more I realize there is no such thing as sanity, that many issues seen as black and white are hardly so, and that listening is a lost art. That's right, simply hearing what someone has to say is somewhat gone with the times!<br />
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Have you looked at how we communicate with each other? A large chunk of it is cyber communication in the form of emails, messages, texting, Facebook, and I'm sure there are plenty of others that I'm leaving out. These forms of communication all leave out a critical detail: subtext. We as humans communicate the majority of what we have to say through HOW we say something, not what we have to say.<br />
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So as we read an email, or a text message, we're missing a huge chunk of what is actually being said. A simple one-word phrase like, "Right," could be interpreted many different ways! If you're like me, it sounds like, "riiiiiight," but it could also be affirming, positive, negative, neutral, sarcastic, or a multitude of other things!<br />
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And if you're also like me, sometimes it's easier to communicate via cyber communication. There are times when I've crossed my fingers that someone would not answer their phone so that I could just leave a message. Or times when I would rather carry out a conversation over text than in person. How sad for myself to choose to miss out on the beautiful intricacies of verbal communication for something trite.<br />
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Glancing over Internet message boards, Facebook posts, and listening to what people come into therapy for, there is a general theme amongst them. All they want is to be heard. At least that's what I'm getting from everything. Sure there are those "trolls" who just go around trying to stir up trouble, and there are individuals who will stop at nothing but try and convince others of their stupid way of dealing with issues. But for the most part, all I see is a genuine desire to be heard.<br />
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In the voice of Scrooge, "Well poppycock, surely people can still hear. Their ears are still attached, words are still inscribed, other men are still responding!"<br />
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Yes this is all very true. But when was the last time you really heard someone. This isn't something passive like listening to music (although when I listen to music it's anything but passive). Listening is so much more active! Why do you think there's a business surrounding active listening. It's called therapy :)<br />
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Would you like to know what one of the biggest secrets of therapy is? I think one of the biggest secrets is that all therapeutic approaches (humanistic, cognitive behavioral, psychodynamic, rogerian, feminist multicultural, adlerian, existential, gestalt) are all the same! Well, let me rephrase that a little... When studies are done comparing the effectiveness of one therapy against another, little difference is found. All therapeutic approaches have the same effectiveness. <br />
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Right now I have a mental image of a lightbulb over your head exploding into a million pieces.<br />
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Studies have shown that all of these different kind of therapies have a lot in common. While they approach what treatment looks like, how change occurs, how one becomes ill and what specific techniques to use as treatment differently, there are many similarities. I think one of the biggest amongst them is empathic listening.<br />
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Something that we frequently bring up in class is the phrase, "When all else fails, just listen." Like I mentioned previously, this is active listening. This is paying close attention to body language, vocal inflections, connotation, themes, emotions, and many other things. From all of that information, our job as therapists is just to pick out what's relevant. While this may be challenging at first given the torrent of information we are presented with at times, soon it becomes easier.<br />
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As I really engage with my clients, and begin pulling out what they're really trying to communicate, something magical happens! The whole mood in the room changes. Even with someone who is feeling very depressed (I know from my own experience being a client in therapy), the energy in the room picks up, even if it's just slightly. The emphatic nodding of a client who feels understood, the huge flood of tears that opens up when you pick out what they're really saying, or the way their body just looks lighter when they leave your office. It's all just beautiful.<br />
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Now I'm not saying that I am always an active listener. That is definitely NOT the case. Being an active listener is a skill that must be put to use and trained before it becomes habit. I think our natural state is to multitask and to pay as little attention as is required, but still get enough to get the job done.<br />
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It's no wonder people get frustrated with other people. When communicating, there isn't enough time taken to really process the information. Only key phrases or words are picked out. And especially with cyber communication, our hunches as to what those key words or phrases are can be way off.<br />
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Want to show people how good of a listener you are? Seriously, you should try this! You'll notice a huge difference. Just summarize! Sounds easy right? Probably not as easy as you might first believe.<br />
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When actively listening, you gotta turn off that little voice inside your head that's thinking of what to say next, or pointing out flaws in their argument. You have to LISTEN. It seems like you have to think of what to say next in order to keep the conversation flowing, but that's really not the case. After you hear what they have to say, summarize what they said. Or maybe even not what they said, but what they were trying to communicate. Once after listening to a client speak of her frustrations with friends of hers, all I said was, "It sounds like people just aren't getting it," to which she instantly began to cry. So I didn't even summarize exactly what she said, I pulled out what she was actually trying to communicate.<br />
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Wow, a whole blog post about communication. Now that's an interesting concept!<br />
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So the next time you read something, or hear something, and your brain starts going a mile a minute ready to take on their challenge, just stop for a moment. Before you blast them, or tell them that you completely understand, make sure you actually know what they're trying to talk about. I think you'll be surprised by how your conversations will change for the better.<br />
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And for those of you who like to pretend that everyone can read your mind, they can't! In order for communication to be effective, you actually have to TELL people what's going on inside that delightful brain of yours! I know I can be especially guilty of this. People have enough going on inside their own heads to really concern themselves about what's going on in yours, unless you tell them what's going on.<br />
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Open up. Listen.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-20409629775859746392012-12-07T13:12:00.001-07:002012-12-07T13:17:13.918-07:00Be Still<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; letter-spacing: 0px;">This morning I made an interesting discovery while I was in the shower. No, it wasn't about that.....or that! Are you gonna let me finish? All right then. </span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Sometimes I assume that since I am in the mental health profession, I know all there is to know about the process of recovery, and what works and what doesn't. In all honesty, I do know a lot! But at the same time, this can sometimes hinder my own progress when confronted with challenges. Especially those of a more personal nature.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">A few days ago, I was talking with a teacher of mine. She had asked me how I was doing. I know, and I know you do too, that there are times when people actually want to hear how you are, and when it's just said out of politeness. I knew she was genuinely concerned. Thank you for coming across my path that day.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I began to cry when she asked me that. While I do feel that I am a fairly open, and honest person, there are certain things that are easier for me to open about. For example, I can talk to you about depression until Titanic looks like the happy fairytale of the year. But ask me to talk about grief, or anger? Oh man, those are emotions that are locked up pretty tight in my dungeon. I don't like it when those come out.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">But grief is what surfaced when my professor asked me what was going on. And the floodgates opened! What was I grieving about? Well, that's a bit of a longer story, but at that time, it was about Michael.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Many of you know that I was previously engaged. Many of you may have also read that letter I wrote to myself. That letter was incredibly therapeutic for me. But I've now come to realize that wasn't the extent of my grieving. Well, obviously not, but lemme finish.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Talking with my professor, we discovered two things that I hadn't ever really thought about before. I told her how I longed for that intimate connection that I no longer have. That connection with someone who knows you inside and out, with all of your flaws and loves you anyway. But not only is there an intense emotional connection, there's the beautiful physical intimacy which just seems to grow as time, and emotions, run deeper.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">She said, "Well Steven, for better or for worse, you now know what that feels like. And now you crave it! It's easy to understand why you would feel the way you do, now that you've tasted something so sweet and desirable. Most people don't get a taste of that until they're older than you are. So now I think the hardest part for you will be to wait. On the other hand, the beautiful thing about it is now that you've tasted it, you'll know when you've found it again."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">...wow! Can I just say how wonderfully insightful my teachers are? Thank goodness for some outside opinion and perspective.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As we continued talking, I realized something else. This goes back to what I mentioned before, about knowing how to help myself, because I know how to help others. I know what things to say to myself. I know the mental processes. I know the questions. I know the introspection and the processing. But what I hadn't connected before was how I was feeling.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I can, and have been processing day after day. But my body doesn't want to process. I feel stuck and immovable. On a daily basis, it feels like I'm walking through thick mud. Not only is it frustrating, but it's absolutely soul-suckingly exhausting!</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">My body is telling me that it's not ready to process, because I haven't given myself time to grieve. There's a general heavy feeling in my chest, a tightness in my shoulders, and the pressure behind your eyes like you feel when you're going to cry. Then there's that mental fatigue and having no drive or willpower to do anything beyond the bare minimum. Thank goodness the semester is now over, because it was hard to push through!</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This morning, before I hopped in the shower, I was feeling depressed. At the time, I wasn't quite sure the reasoning behind it. There are some days when I feel chemically depressed (I don't have anything going on to make me feel down, I just feel down), and then there are days when something has happened, or I am thinking over something that keeps dragging me down. Today I thought I was chemically depressed.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">And of course, my wonderfully insightful roommate had to ask, "Are you sure you don't know what's going on for you?" Blast...foiled again! I was thinking about my lost engagement. I was thinking of how lonely I felt. I was also thinking about turning into my psycho passive aggressive self to poke and prod for attention! But I wasn't going to let that one happen.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So I created a space for myself. I said, "Okay body, we need to have a little talk, because apparently you and my brain aren't getting along. So can you wait until I finish my errands before duking it out? Thank you."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">And after finishing up everything, I hopped in the shower. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I started things off by just allowing my body to do some talking. Oh I know, I'm turning all "hippie" on you. Mindfulness of my body has been something I've discovered lately to be very helpful. So anyway, I asked it what it was feeling. That pressure behind the eyes, and the fatigue began to emerge. The more I allowed my brain to just be still, the more I found how much my body was hurting. I was in pain! There was so much going on that I hadn't even stopped to look at before! Or maybe, more accurately, that I hadn't given myself permission to look at.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Then the therapy session started. If my roommates are reading this, I apologize for any talking and/or yelling that you may have heard coming from my room. It was all for the greater good of myself!</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I let myself cry. I did not try and hold it in, or distract myself. I just let it come out. Yes, it did definitely make a difference looking back, but holy hannah it hurt while I was doing it! I started openly saying what was bothering me and why I was hurting. I talked about that longing for true intimacy, the pressure I feel to just get over it, and the general feeling of being alone.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Then a really important question popped into my head. I started, "There are two sorts of extremes going on inside myself. When something good happens, I attribute it to luck, or circumstance, even if I was somehow involved. When something bad happens, it's because I lack a certain attribute, or skill, or simply because I'm not good enough..."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"I also have this strange behavior of being kind, forgiving, loving, and respectful to others while at the same time I am rather critical of myself."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"No Steven, you are mean."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"Oh I'm not mean, I'm just trying to improve myself."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"No Steven, you are beyond trying to motivate yourself. You have been cruel, mean, and hurtful to yourself, and I don't like this anymore."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"Others are feeling that deep love that you have. You have the capacity for an incredible amount of empathy and understanding. You aren't giving it to yourself."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"Steven, I deserve to feel love. I deserve to have what other people around you are having. I NEED to feel that you care for and appreciate me! Please, just let me have this. PLEASE! Please...please..."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">And this is where I just couldn't take it anymore. The heartache I was feeling was tearing me apart. I can imagine that from an outside perspective, this may have looked and sounded just a tad weird.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">But I needed to hear that. I needed to hear myself say that I deserve to feel that kind of love, kindness, understanding, and compassion that I so freely give to others. I am tired of telling myself that the reason I lost Michael is because of some character flaw--that I wasn't enough in one way or another. I had done absolutely nothing wrong and had given my whole heart! There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Everything I am was put on the line and I had the most wonderful relationship I've ever had. Just think about what else I can do if I throw myself into something.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I am not flawed. Sure, I have my faults, and my strengths and weaknesses, but that does not mean that I am inherently broken. One of the worst thoughts that creep into my mind is, "It's because you're broken..." </span></div>
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Man that thought is so powerful and damaging! And when I think about it, it's totally unrealistic too! But when I'm already feeling down, it's hard to fight something with that much strength.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I want to give myself a break. It's time to put away the process comments, and the other actions that take away from what I'm feeling. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I don't need to do anything, except take care of myself.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I am worth it.</span></div>
Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-59196223395431945002012-10-29T15:05:00.000-06:002012-10-29T15:07:38.568-06:00I'm AngryI've been thinking that I need to write this blog post for some time now. It's really difficult for me to talk about, but I think it'll be healthier if I can at least try and get something out on paper.
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I'm taking a family and couples counseling course this semester. While I am thoroughly enjoying the content of the course, there are parts that have been very difficult. As someone working in the mental health profession, I take a critical eye to most, if not every, aspect of my life. This is not just because I think too much, it's also a huge part of my profession.
<p>
Because of this, I have been taking a look at my family dynamics and social systems. It's really interesting when you start paying attention to the rules of a house that are never stated, but are understood. After talking with my brother last night, we knew that if there was a big problem, we talk to dad. If there was a small problem, we talk to mom. There are many other things that lie just below the surface of any family and I've learned so much and am so grateful for the family I do have.
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A few weeks ago, I was at dinner at my parent's house. I go there for dinner every Sunday. I was speaking with my mother about someone who had recently been angry with me. At one point in the conversation, she said "We don't get angry". Interesting. I wouldn't have paid it much notice, had I not been studying family dynamics in my class. Then a week later, while speaking with my grandmother, she said "We think before we speak and don't get angry like that". Two in a row!
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This is not meant as a post to blame or criticize or anything like that. This is just an exploratory piece. Even talking it over with my grandmother, she said not being angry was something she got from her parents as well. Unwritten rules get passed down!
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I brought up this realization in my class. And I started to cry. It was very difficult for me to bring something like that to the surface.
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I do not like feeling angry, and I do not like being with people who are angry. When someone is angry with me, I tend to shut down. I honestly just do not know how to process anger. I have a terrible fear that if I get angry, I won't be able to control it, and it'll lead to some sort of disaster.
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Just a month or two ago, I was feeling really odd. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I knew I didn't like the feeling but couldn't piece it together. The more I thought about it, the more I began pinpointing the issue. I was angry. I was angry at my ex. There were some unresolved issues that I had and I needed closure. But I had no idea how to deal with the anger! I broke down and started crying, shaking quite a bit too. Needless to say, I did work through things with my ex, and it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Now, back to anger.
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Even now, just staring at the computer screen, I am having an incredibly difficult time accessing my anger. I know it's there. There are things I get angry about! But as my therapist pointed out to me this week, when I get angry, instead of expressing it outwardly, I flip it around and aim it at myself.
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If someone is insulting to me, instead of getting mad and defending myself, I take it in. When one of my previous boyfriends would emotionally attack me for something I didn't do, I felt angry, but it immediately turned into self-blame and sadness. When I approach someone in an effort to strike up a conversation, and they completely ignore me, I base it on my lack of certain qualities, instead of on their jerky behavior. If I have a failure, I take it in. If I get frustrated with someone, I punish myself over and over again and get sad. Even if I strongly voice my opinion, I get down on myself. Being sad is easy to access for me. Being mad is not.
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Gah! I still can't get in myself and bring this out! At this point I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
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I do believe it is possible for people to express anger in a very healthy way. I have not learned that skill. I also believe that being angry isn't inherently "bad" or "good", I think how I express it can be good or bad. But again, gotta learn that skill first.
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I guess right now there are just a few things for certain. I get angry. That is for sure! There's just a bit of a disconnect between the feeling, and the communicating of it. I'm going to continue to focus on the reasons why I get angry. I've noticed a few things, but I'm looking for a commonality between all of them. I think if I can find the commonality, I may be able to find a healthy way of expressing my anger.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-61922413001062846632012-08-07T00:03:00.002-06:002012-08-25T10:32:48.996-06:00A Letter to MyselfI haven't exactly decided how I'm going to do this, and I'm not even sure how long this is going to take. It's been a while in the making, but I've honestly been avoiding writing this. I suppose now is as good a time as any. I've decided to make this blog post in the form of me writing a letter to myself, almost as a third party observer. Here goes:<br />
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My Dearest Steven,<br />
<br />
I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. I'm sure no words of mine can express the amount of pain and sorrow that you feel at this moment. I'm sure there have been many that have offered their sincerest condolences. And while this provides you with a sort of stability, I know you have to suffer through this alone. But I wanted to write to you and let you know how much I care for you.<br />
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Looking at you from the outside, everything seemed so perfect. For you, everything was falling into place. Your family has been so perfectly wonderful with you. Your friends have been fantastically supportive. You are more than excelling in your grad school program. I'm sure for many, this is what it probably looked like.<br />
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I don't know the exact reason why things ended between you and your fiancé. I'm sure you've struggled with those questions yourself. The important thing to remember is that all is not lost, all is not over, and there is so much to be learned from your experiences!<br />
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Let me tell you about the growth I've seen in you: you've become more patient, less sarcastic, more loving, more open, a better communicator, a better son and brother, a better friend, you appreciate the little things more, you've found more of a control over your own destiny, you're happier, you're healthier, and just overall, you're a better person.<br />
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I'm pretty sure I just saw you roll your eyes at me through the letter. Those things I said are true! I know...it's hard to believe that kind of stuff when you're just sitting there reading this, and especially when you're feeling so self-conscious you can hardly stand to look at yourself. Remember, these things do pass. <br />
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You yourself know from countless hours of studying that emotions are never permanent. Sure, sometimes they last longer than other times. And yes, I would dare say you've had your fair share of painful emotions. But those experiences too, have long since disappeared and now you can view them and take all the good, and leave behind all the bad.<br />
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Give yourself a break, Steven. Please do! You and your ex are two completely different people. Don't look at him and just see what's on the outside. You know that people put on brave faces, as I know you've been trying to do for this past little while. If I were to look at you now, to read your Facebook posts, to give you a call or shoot you a text, I'd say you're doing pretty fantastically well! I remember your first break up, and let's just say that I'm glad I don't have to wait days for that couch to dry again (ya know...all the tears).<br />
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Also, it's time to stop viewing yourself as the lower of two people in a relationship. I know you. When you come across someone you have a crush on, you automatically think to yourself "I'm so lucky that he likes me..." or something of that nature. Knock it off! You are beautiful and amazing just the way you are. Sometimes I want to grab your shoulders and give you shaken-steven-syndrome so that I can knock some sense into you!<br />
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Do you know what you have to offer? Let me try to give you an idea: you own your own home, you own a car, you are in grad school (at 24 years old), you have a 4.0 in grad school, you have many friends, you love the symphony, you appreciate the arts, you can see the beauty in others that many miss, you push to improve yourself, you seek good and uplifting things and people, you refrain from viewing vulgar or trashy things on television, you're funny, you have a great smile, you are SO cute, you have an incredible ability to listen, you feel things deeper than most, you have a great job, you love to read, you are musically gifted, you have a great sense of style, you make people feel welcome in your home, you know how to cheer people up, you can empathize with others, you are sincere, you are spiritual, and most importantly of all, I like you just the way you are.<br />
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I could continue, but I'd rather not give you a big head (plus I know your readers might get bored). So give it up Steven. You never have been, nor are lesser than anyone out there. You are incredible! So BE incredible! Don't hide what you have. Be confident in yourself, and in your wonderful qualities.<br />
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Ya you're single, but so what? Being single does not make you any less of a person. Knowing you, you'll get to the point where you don't even care about finding a relationship, and I have a feeling that that's when you'll find the man of your dreams. Yes, your ideal man is probably pretty hard to find. But hey, you're worth the wait.<br />
<br />
Love Always,<br />
<br />
StevenHopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-68176310253791941062012-04-01T19:33:00.002-06:002012-04-01T19:52:24.545-06:00Get it Out!I'm not really planning on posting this anywhere, and I'm not really sure who's going to read it. All I know is that I'm having a really hard time right now and I know that sometimes typing helps me work through things in my head.<br /><br />As it seems right now, I don't have anyone to talk to. Granted, I am in that state of being where I have put up a barrier to keep people away from me. This barrier is some weird ritual I seem to do. Anytime someone gets too close, up come the walls.<br /><br />A lot of people have asked me about that idea. They wonder if I have such a hard time letting people in, why am I sometimes so incredibly vocal on the internet? Well, I know it can seem like a paradox. I have to admit that I enjoy stirring the pot, poking fun at tradition, or just reading the sound of my own voice after I type stuff (like I'm doing right now). But honestly, it's much easier for me to open up to strangers than it is to open up to those close to me.<br /><br />Just follow me for a second: what's the worst a stranger could do if I opened up to them? Probably raise their eyebrows and tell me I'm crazy (which my friends do anyway so it's not like a shock to my system) and walk away. I can handle that! What I can't handle, and what's happened to me many times in the past, is when I open up to someone I'm close to, and the next thing I know, they are condemning me and walking away. It hurts. It really does.<br /><br />So here I am, stuck with all these thoughts that I'm trying to sort through and I don't have someone to talk it through with. In my mind, the people I usually talk to have heard it all before, and now they don't care. But, I'll try and get these thoughts out here.<br /><br />I have never had the awful misfortune of losing an entire support group. Sure I've lost friends and acquaintances, but losing an entire system of love and comfort would be terrible. Well, I should be honest and say that I hadn't lost one until recently.<br /><br />I identify a lot of my cultural upbringing as being a Mormon. What I thought was a very good one too. And now, I don't have that. I have "chosen" to be gay and live a different lifestyle (like anyone would choose to have all this crap happen to them...), and as such, I am no longer welcome in my religion.<br /><br />It's an incredibly bizarre feeling. Sure I have my own beliefs, but no one who shares them. I no longer have Mormon doctrine being drilled into my head every week. I don't have people who come visit me once a month, or who care if I come to FHE. There is no bishop who asks me how I'm doing, with a genuine interest in my well-being. Not only have I lost people to support me, I have lost my theological background.<br /><br />I was overcome the other day with a terrifying feeling of death. Not exactly the process of dying, but what happens after. While I was still practicing, I had an idea of what's going to happen after I die. And I do still now as well. But at the same time, nobody *actually* knows. No one. People have ideas, but there is no absolute knowledge of exactly what is going to happen. That thought was incredibly intrusive, and I feel like I have moved on from that moment of terror, but it might come back and send me for a loop again.<br /><br />Not only that, but I have come to the realization that I am alone. I am completely alone. There is no one out there who completely understands me, who can pick me up, and who can help me. That is one of the toughest things I have faced.<br /><br />And I am so incredibly tired. This is not the tired where I want to take a nap. This is a tired that feels like my soul is aching. It's as if I have carried around a terrible weight all these years and I've collapsed and can't get up. I hurt so much at times, that I can barely stand it. I don't want to push to be happy, I don't want to fight this depression, I don't want to overcome the downright awful things say to me and about me, and I don't want to get back up again. I'm tired! And there is seemingly no rest for me...<br /><br />So I've been facing quite a few existential issues lately. I seem to have lost a lot of purpose in my life. I've lost my support group, and I seem to be losing my identity as well. I don't know what to do, honestly.<br /><br />Yes I've thought about going back to therapy (there's a conflict with me being a patient in the same place I will be practicing therapy next year), and I have been reaching out to others. Which brings up another painful realization for me. People don't call me. I call them. If I want to do something, I invite lots of people. I can't even recall the last time someone called or texted to ask if I wanted to go out somewhere and do something. Am I really that terrible of a person that people can't stand to be around me? What did I do? My boyfriend gets calls pretty much every day to go do something. I sit at home alone.<br /><br />I guess the overall message I'm trying to get across (and here come those blasted tears), I want to feel valued. I want to feel loved. I want to feel support. Most importantly, I want to feel happy. I don't think people understand how hard I fight to be happy. I want it SO badly that I can just feel myself screaming on the inside. But it just seems to be forever out of my reach.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-37146292173876279502012-02-08T21:55:00.007-07:002012-02-27T20:32:47.611-07:00Just a ThoughtIt's about gay marriage and equality. Yes, it's become a rather heated topic as of late but I'm going to take a stab at it too. It's time to put an end to all the silly debates. So I want to bring out the actual facts of the debate here. Let's begin.<br /><br />It seems to be the only argument people can come up with against gay marriage is that it is offensive to their religious institution in some form or another. The funny thing is, a lot of religious people are arguing against others who are not so religious. And even people who are religious are arguing against other religions! It gets to the point of being a little bit ridiculous. It's like a physicist and a chemist trying to argue about the speed of light. Neither of them speak a similar language, and even though they are arguing about the same topic, all they would be doing is speaking *past* each other because they have no common ground. Differing religions might have some common grounds but using the principles of one religion isn't going to convince someone of another religion to start acting differently.<br /><br />Let me give you an example: the Jewish people do not eat pork. Why is that? Because it specifically says in the Bible (more or less) that eating pork is disgusting and should not happen. But for the most part, I bet my readers eat pork. Why is that? Probably because we are not Jewish, and do not believe in that assessment. If a Jewish person came up to you and started arguing about how sinful you were because you consumed pork, you would throw out their argument as ludicrous because, you don't believe what they believe!<br /><br />So why is it that members of the LDS church, who overwhelmingly supported and propagated the passing of Proposition 8 in California, can try to impose their views on others? The majority of the population in California is *not* LDS. So they can obviously try and make law their views and throw them onto other people right? Well maybe in this context, but if a Californian tried to outlaw a Mormon belief (let's pretend reading the Book of Mormon), the LDS church would be up in arms about their religious freedoms being trampled on! They would not stand for it!<br /><br />I borrowed this from a friend's status on facebook: "Money quote from Rev. Barry Lynn, head of Americans United for Separation of Church and State:<br /> ' ... Opponents of same-sex marriage have been unable to muster any arguments other than it offends their theology. We have a secular government, and dogma should not and cannot be transformed into law.'<br /><br />But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's return to the religious reasons why gay marriage and equality is wrong.<br /><br />It is going to cause beastiality--really? This is quite possibly the dumbest argument against gay marriage that has ever existed. I hate to break it to you, but marriage is between consenting *adults*. It is not between one consenting adult and one animal ok? There is no basis for a logical argument here.<br /><br />It will ruin the sanctity of marriage--also really? I'm pretty sure that heterosexuals have already done a pretty bang up job at ruining the sanctity of marriage. Did you know that about 50% of children born were born by accident? So half the population running around are born because mommy and daddy (or a whole slew of variations between the two genders) made a mistake. But besides that, we already have the wonderful political figures of today shouting, "My affair makes me more American!" Or we have the lovely Kardashian woman gaining millions upon millions of dollars from her marriage and subsequent divorce days later. And let's not forget Britney Spears' just for fun few minute marriage with a divorce.<br /><br />It's in the Bible and for Mormons the Book of Mormon--not true. From the book, "Thou Shalt Question" by M.J. Prometheus it says:<br /> "Sometimes people cite 2 Nephi 13:9 which states 'their sin to be even as Sodom,' as a reference to homosexuality. It is a common misconception within the church and some other Christian faiths that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was homosexuality, but this is unsupported by both scripture and prophets. The sins of Sodom are listed in the Old Testament itself and include pride and ignoring the poor (Ezekial 16:49-50 and Zephaniah 2:9-10), idolatry (Deuteronomy 32:32-38), adultery and lying (Jeremiah 23:14), but not once is homosexuality listed. In General Conference Apostle Parley P. Pratt said the sin of Sodom was fornication (April 10, 1853, JD Vol. 1). President John Taylor said the same (October 19, 1884, JD Vol. 25). Apostle Orson Pratt said the sin of Sodom was rejecting the prophets (January 2, 1859, JD Vol. 7). Apostle Heber C. Kimball said the same (July 12, 1857, JD Vol. 5). Apostle Wilford Woodruff said the same (January 1, 1871, JD Vol 14 and June 12, 1881, JD Vol. 22). Joseph Smith himself said, 'The judgments of God have rested upon people, cities and nations, in various ages of the world, which was the case with the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, that were destroyed for rejecting the Prophets." (January 22, 1843, HC Vol. 5, p. 257.) Much of the confusion among Latter-day saints might be due to footnote b in 2 Nephi 13:9, which points the reader to 'Homosexuality' in the Topical Guide. We would do well to remember that the footnotes and chapter headings in the LDS editions of the scriptures are not considered church doctrine; they were composed largely by Apostle Bruce R. McConkie as a useful study guide and nothing more. McConkie and a few others did believe the sin of Sodom was homosexuality, but as suggested by an abundance of Bible verses (which are doctrinal) and quotes from modern prophets including Joseph Smith (which are also doctrinal), McConkie was wrong."<br /><br />Porn and masturbation make you gay--uh...yes, and that is why every male on the planet is gay. Give me a break! If porn and masturbation made a person gay, the majority of the world's population would be a flaming homosexual. Let's use some logic here people!<br /><br />The prophets are inspired by God and are not subjected to their own prejudicial thoughts--let me show you how that's not true. From Apostle Mark E. Peterson, "Race Problems - As They Affect The Church," Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, BYU, August 27, 1954.<br /> "The reason that one would lose his blessings by marrying a Negro is due to the restriction placed upon them. 'No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood' (Brigham Young).<br /> "The discussion on civil rights, especially over the last 20 years, has drawn some very sharp lines. It has blinded the thinking of some of our own people, I believe. They have allowed their politician affiliations to color their thinking to some extent, and then, of course, they have been persuaded by some of the arguments that have been put forth. We who teach in the Church certainly must have our feet on the ground and not to be led astray by the philosophies of men on this subject.<br /> "We must not allow our feelings to carry us away, nor must we feel so sorry for Negroes that we will open our arms and embrace them with everything we have. Remember the little statement that we used to say about sin, 'First we pity, then endure, then embrace'...<br /> "If that negro is willing when he hears of the gospel to accept it, he may have many of the blessings of the gospel. In spite of all he did in the pre-existent life, the Lord is willing, if the negro accepts that gospel with real, sincere faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessings of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get celestial glory."<br /> Um...ouch! These quotes sound a tiny bit familiar with all the rants about LDS members having their feet planted and not being moved. But hey, the prophets can't be controlled by their own prejudicial thoughts, that's why African Americans still don't have the priesthood right?<br /> And don't even get me started on how church leaders have changed their minds about polygamy (Joseph Smith had *many* wives and even took them from other married men), how women should be treated (In the Bible women are property and can be bought, sold, traded, etc), and when we should eat meat (In D&C 89 it actually says we should only eat meat in winter and times of famine, but who's listening right?).<br /><br />They should call it a "Civil Union" and not marriage--Have you been through the temple? Did you know that the word "marriage" is not actually used once in the marriage ceremony? People are *sealed* to each other, not just married. So why get in such a huff about protecting that word? And besides, to me, giving homosexuals and heterosexuals different words is awfully similar to how we used to treat African Americans. We had a "separate but equal" idea where African Americans could go to the same places as whites and do the same things, just as long as they weren't in the same room, or touching, or even looking at each other. So really, no one is equal.<br /><br />Well gay people are just misguided and off the path of Christ--You are not and cannot tell me where I am going to end up in the eternities. You do not have a say in the final judgement. To my knowledge, that is up to Jesus Christ and God the Father.<br /><br />I think it's interesting, some LDS people think they can pass such swift judgments under the guise of "love" and "concern", but what they're actually doing is judging someone without knowing all the facts. They say, "It's because I love you that I have to tell you this really hard thing..." and then proceed to spew forth why you are so evil, terrible, and will never be happy.<br /><br />I would never go around telling people how wrong and misguided they are. That is far too hurtful and offensive. I'd rather leave judgments like that up to my Father in Heaven and Christ who both know me perfectly and know the desires of my heart.<br /><br />Again, borrowing from "Thou Shalt Question":<br /> "...At ever moment in LDS history when a doctrine threatened the church, it was changed. It took far more time than it should have--the general population often figured out what was ethical long before the prophets did--but it always happened without exception, and it happened despite prior promises from presidents of the church that it would never happen. What makes the doctrine of homosexuality any different?<br /> "Some might say, 'But homosexuality is a violation of the very plan of salvation!' I seriously doubt that. Polygamy was also considered absolutely indispensable to the plan of salvation and a critical component of our lives *here on earth*, yet we don't practice that one anymore--at least, not until we get to the celestial kingdom. It may be that the doctrines of God are unchanging, but as we have already seen, the doctrines of men change all the time.<br /> "'But homosexuality is unnatural!'" There is no evidence to support that, but even if it is, so what? Birth control is also unnatural, as is modern medicine, clothing, cars, and the internet. Do you use any of those things? What does the unnaturalness of something have to do with it being right or wrong?<br /> "'But homosexuality is a choice!'" Nonsense. If that were true, then our heterosexuality would also be a choice. Does your sexual orientation feel like a choice? Would you purposely choose an orientation that people hated, run the risk of being disowned by family members, of hurting those you love most, of struggling with severe self-loathing and the loathing of much of society and of your own religion? How would you feel if you were told that you must either change your orientation or never, ever have a physical relationship with someone you loved? Would you still stick with your 'choice'?"<br /><br />For now, that is what I have to say on the subject. If you would like to know more about homosexuality as well as many other doctrines that have undergone huge shifts in the LDS church, I would highly recommend the book "Thou Shalt Question". Although I may not have covered every single contingency that exists out there against gay marriage and equality, I have covered a vast majority of them. <br /><br />Also, if you would like to get into a debate about whether or not there is biological evidence supporting homosexuality, I would be happy to point out the more than one-hundred studies about the biological origins of homosexuality. Oh and of course, everyone's an expert in this topic, except me because I'm gay, even though I'm getting a master's degree in psychology and every neuroscience and psychology professor that I've ever come in contact with (yup even at BYU!) agrees that homosexuality has biological origins.<br /><br />Finally, I want to leave you with a personal statement about the psychological damage that can be done to a person. This isn't some make-believe person, this is what I hear on a daily basis.<br /><br />Love the sinner hate the sin? Well, guess that already labels me a sinner with all the prejudiced views thereof. Can you imagine for a moment what it feels like to hear from your best friend that they won't come to your wedding because it's wrong? Or when a bishop (supposedly delivering the word of God) tells you you're going to hell? Or when you pray night and day to be "normal" only to never be changed? To hear from friends, family, and strangers all over the Internet and in real life that your love is sick, disgusting, unwanted, and wrong? To be accused of destroying the fabric of society? To be harassed, teased, tormented, and potentially bullied that it feels like the only way out is to blot out your own existence?<br /><br />Ya, I didn't think it felt very good either. The New Testament and the Book of Mormon share a whole lot more stories of love, support, and respect than condemnation and hellfire. Maybe we can all take a page from those books.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-18288622545676730422011-11-17T11:54:00.003-07:002011-12-11T22:36:40.973-07:00Unicorns, Glitter and Rainbows: My Path to Destroying SocietyLet us discuss a question that has weighed heavily on the minds of many of my heterosexual homies: Why do people turn gay? This is a difficult and sensitive topic for many gay folk. Allow me to clarify by sharing my own journey down the rainbow road of homosexuality.<br /><br />You see, at a very young age I found myself plagued with a powerful biological urge to poop. No one sees anything peculiar about this urge, so nobody ever told me it was wicked, an urge for which I would be damned, so I very happily pooped whenever I saw fit. Sometimes I even took the time to enjoy the sweet relief that pooping provided. <br /><br />Upon the arrival of puberty I found myself plagued with new things: hair where no hair grew before, pimples where before there was only undefiled alabaster skin, and a mighty biological urge to rid myself of the enormous sperm armies my body produced on an hourly basis. While those around me considered pooping—and even the enjoying thereof—perfectly acceptable, I was taught that masturbation was evil and the enjoying of it…well, that was evil cubed.<br /><br />What does this have to do with being gay, you might ask? While I learned very early that masturbation was evil, no one informed me that it was so evil it would also turn me gay! Every time I evilly released the evil fruit of my evil loins into a sock, shower drain or banana peel, I not only grew in my evilness, but became a tiny bit gayer and gayer. <br /><br />I suppose, however, that I cannot blame masturbation for all my gay. Try as I might, no matter how many torrents of loin fruit I released from my mighty scrotum, a little bit of straight still remained. There must have been something else…ah yes, I remember. One day I woke up and I thought to myself, "I want to be different from everyone around me, because being different is fun! People always make sure the different one is accepted, beloved, and showered with kindness. I also enjoy being told that I am an abomination to God! And hey, life wouldn't be a challenge if my country granted me the same rights under the law as straight people! Second-class citizenship worked so well for blacks and women that I'd be a fool not to want it for myself." Upon reflecting upon how greatly the benefits outweighed the costs, I simply made the decision one day to be completely gay. I changed my sexual orientation with a mere thought, just like you could change yours if you chose. It's as easy as changing clothes!<br /><br />There are many benefits to being gay. For example, I get to destroy the very fabric of society and the family! Why, my daily planner for this very day reads as follows: <br />Destroy fabric of society<br />Quick lunch<br />Dance to Lady Gaga like little fairy boy<br />Ponder upon depth of own depravity<br />Dinner<br />Sing songs about rainbows and butt sex<br />Sleep. GAY SLEEP, which is totally different from normal people sleep. <br /><br />But how, precisely, does one go about destroying society? First, I take the hope of a monogamous relationship, add to it my desire for a nice house and perfectly manicured lawn, and wrap it all up with the dream of adopting a child or two and saving them from the drastically overcrowded foster care system. It's a recipe for complete and utter disaster, I know! It's dripping with so much evil that Hitler just had an orgasm. Doing this destroys the sanctity of marriage, of course, because…because it just does and I'm naughty like that.<br /><br />There is another arrow in my engorged quiver of gayness-spreading. Did you know that just being around gays makes you a flaming homo? My gay aura is so immense that those around me often convert immediately to the way of the gay. Just last week at the mall I passed a group of teenage boys. As soon as my queer emanations washed over them, they broke out into a frenzy of gay! Like lovely little pixies they pranced to the nearest Express store, shopped to their hearts content, giggled uncontrollably at cute boys walking by and held hands down the aisle. Justin Bieber himself could not have raised the flames any higher. Another day I was enjoying a dip in a public pool. Tragically, my gay aura preventer—a manly swimsuit with pictures of power tools and Chuck Norris—failed and all that gooey aura got into the water. Children instantly turned gay, splashing each other with limp wrists and lisping happily, "I got you, you silly goose!" An adult accidentally swallowed some water and soon doubled over on the pavement, puking up unicorns, glitter and episodes of Will & Grace. 'Twas madness!<br /><br />There you have it. I hope this very special educational blog will clear up all the nasty rumors and lies spread about us gays. Now if you'll excuse me, a new episode of Glee is on.<br /><br />P.S. A very special thank you to my brother who proofread this post and made it extra funny!Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-69490758736623325092011-09-20T22:44:00.003-06:002011-09-20T23:20:46.964-06:00Will You Please Just Listen?I've had a problem with listening to people in the past. Well, actually, I would consider myself a very good listener; that is, at first. All sorts of different people have come up to me and started talking to me and tell me how comfortable they are talking to me. I think it's because I genuinely invest myself in their conversations. The problem I have is when people come to me with a problem--I jump in and start offering my opinion on things.<br /><br />Now that might be good for people who are actively seeking an opinion from an outside source. But what about those people that just need someone to listen to them? They have a heart that is so heavy, and their burden so big that they most probably just want to be heard. I'm crying right now because that's exactly how I feel right now.<br /><br />I'm under a lot of stress. Obviously school is a hard time for everyone, and maybe this is just one of those run-of-the-mill times when I'm going to get stressed out and have to push through. But being the person I am, I need someone to listen to me. I want some empathy, not sympathy.<br /><br />"I know exactly how you feel..." What an overused sentence. And what an incredible over-generalization. I mean really? You've had the exact same experiences as that person to know exactly how emotionally charged this situation is to them and why? You've formed the exact same emotional pathways for neurotransmitters to create the same brain chemistry? You come from the same culture, ethnic group, and gender? Well, I suppose if you answered yes to all of these, then you are either an exact clone of someone, or you're so naive as to think that you actually know exactly how someone feels.<br /><br />I know that sounds harsh. And I know people have good intentions when they use that phrase. But I've made it a point to never say that. When my brother died, I never heard that phrase. It was one of the first instances in my life where people would tell me they didn't know what to say. It was a relief! It was nice to hear that they didn't understand--which I then assume is an opportunity to help them understand. Together we can create a mutual bonding, and empathic experience where an understanding is shared, even if it isn't *exactly* what the other person is feeling.<br /><br />Ahem...so where was I...? Oh yes. I need someone to listen to me right now. Some would call it whining. I would call it an adequate utilization of a technique to cope with stress. And since I am the counselor, I am right. So there.<br /><br />Today has been a day of people not listening. More specifically, tonight has been one of those nights. I say something to the effect of, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed," and immediately I am expected to come forward with coping mechanisms and strategies so that being overwhelmed is no longer an issue.<br /><br />We are in such a quick-fix society and it drives me crazy sometimes! Ya I'm overwhelmed, but don't you think that jumping on me and giving me advice on all these ways of not feeling overwhelmed is going to make me feel *more* overwhelmed?<br /><br />Well, it does. So now I guess I'll get to what is actually bothering me instead of trying to critique all of my social interactions. I'll have plenty of time to do that as a therapist.<br /><br />Therapist--what is that? I'm sure there's a different definition depending on the person you ask! I'm trying to figure out what that is myself, and that is what is overwhelming.<br /><br />Some people think of being a therapist as a "soft" job. Something that really doesn't take too much time, effort, or skill to be good at. First of all, when I hear people who think that way I'm hurt. I wouldn't dedicate so many years of my life to something that's easy. I am in it to better myself and those around me.<br /><br />Secondly, now that I'm actually studying counseling and how it all works, I am amazed at the complexity of it. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone in which you had to pay attention to the details of the message, get a clear picture of the emotions behind it, think of a theoretical orientation that applies to this situation, think of a follow-up question or response that takes into account that theoretical orientation, keep in mind the legal implications of the advice or response you give, make sure that you are showing enough empathy as to make that person feel accepted and safe, and being multiculturally in-tuned enough as to not create micro aggressions or prejudices? Ya, me neither...<br /><br />But now I have to! It's absolutely exhausting! I find my brain spinning non-stop. I am encouraged to pick myself apart and analyze pretty much everything I do. I am expected to be open, honest, and secure enough with myself to bring forward my insecurities in front of PhD professors, and classmates, and change my deeply held beliefs and opinions. It is a lot to take in and I am just so tired.<br /><br />It feels so much better to put this out there.<br /><br />I would encourage everyone to take a little more time in their interactions with people. Of course there isn't enough time to have a full-blown therapy session with someone. But I'm sure you can make the time to hear them out. Maybe they don't even want your advice. It's time to put the ego aside and listen. That's something that I've struggled to do, but I would dare to say that it's greatly strengthened my relationships.<br /><br />Thank you for listening.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-35898702585420463342011-08-21T00:02:00.003-06:002011-08-21T00:17:45.806-06:00I'd Rather Stay InHave you ever had one of those nights where you'd rather just not go out? I'm having one of them. I was planning on going clubbing and now I'm just not really in the mood. I know right? *gasp* Steven doesn't want to go dancing?! Oh the horror!
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<br />No but really, I'm in a perfectly fine mood, I'd just rather stay in than go out. But my boyfriend wanted to go dancing so off he went.
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<br />Honestly, I feel like we have a very good balance between us. We've spent every day for the past week together. We're not sick of each other at all. I know when to give him space so he can keep up with his friends and family, and he lets me have my family and friend time too. Neither of us wants to be "that guy" that falls off the face of the planet when they enter in a relationship!
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<br />So here I am. I've kinda been reflecting lately and thought I'd share with you what's been on my mind.
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<br />I am no longer working at the Oakley School. Actually, I was put on administrative leave. There were a couple people there that were very unprofessional. So when I filled out my exit survey, I gave them honest feedback about some of these individuals. The school said they'd like to look into it but that it might be awkward to have me there while they do so they paid me for my last two weeks of work and I didn't even have to go in!
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<br />Honestly it's been kinda nice! The only sad thing is that I couldn't say goodbye to my students. They said I could write a letter, which I did, but then when my coworkers read the letter to my kids, some administration said it wasn't okay anymore so not all of my kids got to hear it!
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<br />I didn't think I'd miss my kids as much as I do. Honestly, they were a great example to me of love, patience and understanding. There were times when I didn't think anyone cared about me and one of them would do something for me that would just make me smile. It was wonderful!
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<br />My boyfriend and I went on a little trip to Vegas together this past week. We only spent two nights at the New York New York, but it was absolutely wonderful! We went clubbing, walked the strip, went shopping, saw two amazing shows, had great food, and most importantly, just enjoyed being with each other. The more time I spend with him, the more I fall in love.
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<br />It seems like every relationship goes on a vacation. It's almost like testing the waters to see if two people are really compatible. In my past relationships, there have always been some really serious discussions and some arguments too. But not this one! There have been times when I've been upset, but he just talks me through it. And there are times when I can tell he's a little off, and I'm very understanding.
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<br />My theory about true and everlasting love is that you always put the other person first. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it's helped me from getting in my depression cycle where I focus too much on me and getting what *I* want. When my boyfriend comes first, I am honestly happier than when I put myself first.
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<br />It has been a little tough lately. He has some really close friends who haven't been all that supportive when it came to him coming out to them. He and I talk about it and he feels better after. What really troubles me is the kind of people these people claim to be.
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<br />They're LDS (Mormon), and are supposedly kind, understanding, loving and accepting. But this doesn't seem to be the case withs one of them. I see rejection, pain, suffering, and pride. Pride in the fact that they refuse to associate with someone who isn't exactly like them.
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<br />And what a boring life that would be if we were all the same. I mean, Christ himself was friends with everyone. I don't ever remember reading in the Bible him going up to someone, finding out that they were this way or that, and saying, "I'm sorry, you're against my religion and I'm going to shun you now..."
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<br />No way! He was never like that! But then some of these friends act just like that! They can be so hypocritical and hyper sensitive. And there is no way to reason with them. They are black and white thinkers and won't be brought out of it.
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<br />It just bugs me, and honestly makes me sad. If I were that way towards a certain ethnic, religious, or any other group, I would be so much more lonely and less happy than I am now. If I look at my group of friends, I have friends from all sorts of different backgrounds! They make me who I am today. I am so much more understanding, loving, patient, and generous with those from different backgrounds. No one deserves to be discriminated against just because of how they were made. God made them beautiful, just the way they are.
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<br />My father once told me something after I came out, and honestly it made me cry. He said, "You know Steven, maybe you being gay isn't a test for you to overcome. Maybe it's a test for everyone else to see if they will love you like God commands us to love everyone."Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-73514018981268312192011-07-05T11:14:00.004-06:002011-07-05T12:19:43.989-06:00Be The ChangeFor some reason I can't seem to get the lyrics, "Do you know what it feels like for a girl, in this world?" out of my head. It's definitely an interesting way to wake up! Especially considering that I am not a girl. Although I am close. My mother, after all, was hoping that I'd be a girl. So this is what happened! So the moral of the story is, be careful what you wish for.<br /><br />And no that is not the end of my blog post. Although I do think it would be funny to write a blog post that was so short, sweet, and utterly profound. Maybe after this one.<br /><br />I changed my passwords last night. Have you ever stopped to think about how many accounts you have online that require a password? Not to mention computers, work computers, and even phones! It took me about an hour, and I don't think I have changed all my passwords yet. I went from using 17 characters and cut it down to 12 seriously ridiculous characters. But let me tell you why.<br /><br />I feel like I've made a discovery lately. Perhaps not anything profound or nobel-prize worthy, although I think my life in general is worth a nobel-prize, but more of just simple satisfaction with what my life could one day be.<br /><br />I'm not sure who said the quote, or something similar to this, "Be the change you wish to see in others". But it has really inspired me lately. Oh! And a quick google search turned up that Ghandi said it. Well, I am glad that one of my new mantras comes from such an incredible man.<br /><br />A while ago, I wrote a post about work, where the kids wouldn't swear as much around me as they usually do, just because I didn't swear. But I've come to realize that this example setting reaches far beyond clean language.<br /><br />I have a lot of friends. And some are closer than others. However, I am fiercely loyal with my friends. Even those who I have only recently met know that I will do my best to help them in whatever way I can. In return, they are just as fiercely loyal with me and will come to my aid with cupcakes, hugs, and listening ears. Ya that's right, I'm a big softy and all I need is that to survive.<br /><br />So what of it? Why is it so important that I change first? Well, think about it. Have you ever, and I know you have, had that one friend or psuedo-friend that was always trying to change and/or fix you? They may have done it in very loving, or sometimes very not-so-loving ways. But they wanted you to be happy (the mom from Tangled singing, "Mother Knows Best" comes to mind).<br /><br />But it didn't work did it...? They're nagging words and scornful gaze, or even loving intrigues and hope and prayers weren't enough. Well, we do have this instinct to fight change. What's the first thing you want to do when someone tells you to do something? Say no! Or maybe I'm just speaking from personal experience here and I'm way more of a heathen than I thought.<br /><br />If you yourself are changing, people pick up on that. This allows them to choose for themselves whether or not they want to change. For the most part, it seems that humanity is on a quest to better themselves and their lives. So if you provide the example of how they *could* change, you are giving them new ideas, inspiration, and conviction to make changes for themselves. And, as I'm sure you are aware, the psychological benefits of internal conviction and motivation far outweigh outside rewards and punishments.<br /><br />I have been a lot happier lately. I've worked on avoiding passive-aggressive facebook statuses, whiny poetry, sulking moods, and other negative stuff. Wow I just realized how much of a handful I am! Kudos to those of you who can handle this mess of emotions with the name Steven!<br /><br />These are things that I've worked on for a while. As I've mentioned in a lot of posts, I struggle with a lot of shame-based behaviors, reactions, and motivations. But I am getting better! I find that really sticking to my convictions and being confident in who I am as a person helps greatly. And I've began to notice a change in people's reactions towards me.<br /><br />I come off as friendlier, kinder, more gentle, fun, humorous, stable and confident. I've noticed more friends come into my life, past acquaintances re-emerge, and my current relationships become more strong and fulfilling. All these are good things!<br /><br />And it's because I've had the internal motivation to change. I've pushed myself further than I'm used to and it's been fantastic!<br /><br />But what gave me the motivation? Well, it was the example of someone very close to me.<br /><br />He is the change he wishes to see in others. He does nothing but love and support his friends and loved-ones. He is an incredible example to me of someone who has true and pure love. He inspires me daily to be a little better, to push a little harder, and to try just *one* more time. He is one of many. There are tons of people in my life who really inspire me. He's just the one that I can't get out of my head!<br /><br />So I am passing this message a long to you. Oh, and why did I change all my passwords? To give me a phrase to remind myself every day of my desire to be the change I wish to see in others.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-76103022041115404582011-06-17T09:45:00.001-06:002011-06-17T09:49:03.602-06:00Two Years LaterHoly crapola! Yesterday was the two year anniversary of me coming out publicly. But I guess if you've been living under a rock for two years, surprise! I'm gay! In honor of that day, I re-read my coming out post and wrote this blog entry.<br /><br />I stand by my statement saying that I still do not prowl the streets looking for unsuspecting gays to pounce on. I'm much too charming to need to do a thing like that.<br /><br />I did notice, however, that in my initial blog post, I had made the decision not to date. This might sound shocking to some because as most of you know, I do date. I think the thing that has changed the most in me since coming out publicly that first time, is my stance on my feelings of homosexuality.<br /><br />All my life I have been ingrained with the idea that anything that is good comes from God, and anything that is evil comes from Satan. And I still believe that to be true. Some may think that my up-coming reasoning is wrong because I've been brainwashed, or I'm just justifying myself, but I believe it to be true. During my dating experience, I have upheld my standards as best I could. I have tried my best to be a good date, to be chivalrous, to be polite, respectful, honest, and kind. I have dated the way I would hope that any upstanding person would date.<br /><br />I have had some incredible experiences. I've had some incredible dates, and others that I feel so uncomfortable, I want to throw myself out the nearest window. But that just comes with dating and it has been an experience for the betterment of myself. <br /><br />During my dates, I have never felt evil, sadistic, brainwashed or simply wrong. I have felt comfort, peace, at one with myself, and a greater love for myself and the person I'm with. I think these feelings are good, and thus come from God. How could something that makes me so happy, and makes me feel so good, be wrong (insert some comments from skeptics about how I've been mislead)?<br /><br />My last two years have been interesting for sure. The first year was mostly me working on myself, and accepting myself for who I was in the moment, so that I wouldn't be a total basket-case when I started dating.<br /><br />Then I got my first boyfriend. He taught me a lot and we had great times for sure. He taught me how to be honest about my feelings, how to compromise, and many other wonderful lessons. Since it was my first breakup, it was definitely difficult, but I'm glad that he felt honest enough with me to end things when he wasn't comfortable anymore. I would never want to force anyone into something they weren't comfortable with.<br /><br />Then I was single for a while. After a while, and after I had adjusted to just dating for fun, I got involved in my second relationship. We also had great times. We did activities together that I didn't have the opportunity to with other guys. He liked plays, the symphony, dances, ballet, and lots of other things that I love. After three months, I broke up with him. I dedicated a blog post just to him, and I think about, and worry about him a lot. He seems happy, and I truly hope he is. I felt like breaking up with him was the right thing to do. And it was his first real breakup so I know I really hurt him--which hurts me too.<br /><br />Here I am, two years later. I would say overall I'm a much happier and healthier person. I am more myself, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and have grown more understanding and accepting of other people. I respect people more and appreciate their hardships and what they can teach me. I also appreciate my own hardships more.<br /><br />In fact, looking back when I first came out publicly, my parents were less than pleased. They felt that coming out was a private matter that needed to be kept in the family and I had just blabbed all over facebook that I was gay. The horror! But now, my parents are completely supportive of me and my decision. I talk to my mum and nanna about who I am dating and what we did. They get excited for me and encourage me to live the best life I can. I'm still a good person and need to stick to my morals. My brother encourages me to keep an open mind, reach out to new people, enjoy the company of others, and become more comfortable with myself. My father helps me discuss deeper issues such as where I fit in in this life, where my life may go, and the occasional excitement about a date. I love my family more than anything and I am *so* grateful that they are so supportive. I never could've made it this far without them.<br /><br />I am no longer attending the LDS church meetings. I respect the church, I respect what they do for some people, and I cannot fully participate in the church and be true to myself. They are mutually exclusive. Although I pray that one day the church will change, I highly doubt it will. I am comfortable in living my life the best I can with what I have, not abandoning who I was, sticking to my morals, and just being happy. I do still pray and find myself connecting to God in different ways--through music, love of friends, wholesome activities, and family.<br /><br />Now then, I have left the best for last. I have met someone. And yes I meet lots of people all the time but he is different. The instant I saw him, my jaw dropped. I did my best to hide such a foolish gesture. He and I chatted, fairly easily might I add, and I asked him out on a date. He was so sweet on the date, very chivalrous, kind-hearted, loving, and a great conversationalist. After dinner, we headed into the mountains to go on a hike. It was splendid to be in such a beautiful area with such a beautiful guy, inside and out. We have seen each other every week since, and love spending time together. I have never been happier to be with someone. Anytime I get a text, I swoon. When I speak to him every night, there's constantly a huge smile on my face. And anyone within ear shot has to hear about my cheesy middle-school romance that I seem to be in. I think it's wonderful! I am elated and haven't been this happy in a very long time.<br /><br />He tells me he feels the same. He is helping me gain the confidence I am so lacking at times. He compliments me, and I him. We talk about everything and I do my best to help him feel as comfortable as possible in his own skin. He makes me feel like a million dollars! I feel like I can be completely myself with him, and he says the same about me.<br /><br />We are taking things one day at a time, and slow. I do not feel a need to rush. I am comfortable where we are.<br /><br />Now then, I leave you with how I feel about myself this morning. I hope to remind myself about these positive qualities if I feel down. I can change my outlook on life and myself.<br /><br />I am generous, loving, silly, have a nice smile, I dress well, I'm smart, I know how to help people, I'm successful, I'm dedicated, I'm compassionate, I'm spontaneous, I'm sweet, I'm thoughtful, I'm random, I'm goofy, I'm talented, I'm handsome, I'm considerate, I'm frugal, I'm ambitious, I'm passionate, and above all, I am me.<br /><br />Here's to another year! Cheers!Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-70741723402367929072011-05-19T11:13:00.000-06:002011-05-19T11:14:09.065-06:00So What Happened...?We broke up. Since he is not all the way out, I will refrain from naming him. If you did not get the chance to meet him, he was an incredible individual. He was probably more than I deserved.<br /><br />A million thoughts were running through my head yesterday and last night when I told him we couldn't be together anymore. Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I feel absolutely terrible about the pain that I have caused. It is not in my nature to hurt people or make them sad. So it killed me to see him take it so hard. I did everything I could to apologize and make it easier for him but breakups are never easy. I broke his heart.<br /><br />I wish there was a way to help him understand that the reason I wanted to end things was mostly coming from myself. The relationship was bringing up issues in myself that I felt needed to be solved before I could be a healthy and stable individual. He thought I was breaking up with him because of his issues. But that's not the case. I did what I thought was best to take care of myself and my personal growth. And I didn't think it would be fair to him to deal with only a partially complete person. He deserves someone whole and wonderful.<br /><br />I have a fear of being alone. It's almost like a phobia. I think of my life ahead of me and the thought of being alone through it all scares me to death. Some people are more wired to be monogamous and others to just have friends and still others to have multiple partners. I dream of the day when I marry the man of my dreams; when I buy a house, start a new life, and make a family with the man I love.<br /><br />One hard thing about living in Utah, or maybe just growing up LDS, is that this fear of being alone is instilled in us. Maybe not purposely but it seems like everyone I talk to has the same goal: get married, and have a family and live happily ever after. Even though I have stepped back from the LDS church, I still have similar beliefs and values. And maybe that drive for marriage has come from the church or somewhere else. I really don't know.<br /><br />So, back to my issues. I feel like I jumped into this relationship because of my fear of being alone. I was hesitant to start a relationship at first but here was this wonderful guy, and I thought I'd work it out.<br /><br />I am now even more firm in my belief that a real, lasting relationship takes two complete individuals. To rely on someone else to make you whole is putting way too much pressure on the other individual, and you don't grow. You actually stunt your growth by doing that. I want to learn how to be more independent, rather than codependent.<br /><br />I'll admit it. When people tell me something that leaves room to read between the lines, I assume the worst. It's a terrible trait I have and I wish I could get rid of it! It leads to unnecessary arguments and clarifications. I found myself even doing it with the man I loved. That wasn't fair to him. He gave me his heart and that should've been enough for me to realize that I could see him in the most positive light. He had my best intentions at heart. But I couldn't see that.<br /><br />These next few days are going to be tough. I've already broken down and cried twice at work which is awkward with teenagers running around everywhere. Thankfully, I do have wonderful friends who have been very supportive. I ask those of my friends who knew my boyfriend to please reach out to him too. He needs your help more than I do.<br /><br />All things balance themselves out in the end. At least I hope they do. I learned so much from my relationship. While I was driving to work this morning I couldn't stop thinking about all the good times, and hard times that I was helped through. And not to mention how I have grown because of the experience. I don't believe any experience is wasted until we choose not to learn anything from it.<br /><br />So last night, I sat him down and got my feelings out in the open. It was a relief, and incredibly difficult at the same time. We differ on how we view some aspects of relationships. That wasn't the breaking point. One of the biggest reasons I decided to end it was because he deserves to have everything he wants from a guy, without having to compromise. He deserves a guy who is as loving, caring, kind, generous, happy, fun, spontaneous, and just wonderful as he is.<br /><br />I am a good person. I did my best with what I thought was right, and even though I hurt someone, I hope it is for the better for the both of us. I honestly wish him all the happiness in the world. And I pray that he will one day be my friend. I will always and forever love him and cherish the time we shared. He touched my life, he touched my friend's lives, and my family has already told me how they are going to miss him too.<br /><br />For now, I am going to take a break from dating. It's time for me to work on me. I am going to get to a point where I am a happy, completely whole individual. Maybe then it'll be a good time to start dating. And I'm gonna make more friends too! I don't think that the first time I hang with a gay guy means it's a date. I am going to step out of my comfort zone and just hang out with good guys. Maybe down the road something will come of it, but for now, it's just me making some good, new friends. I can always use good influences in my life.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-65494509643834030552011-04-12T13:12:00.002-06:002011-04-12T13:42:52.041-06:00FeedbackMy father is a business management consultant. Now what is that, you might ask. Well, my dad goes into a business, looks around, finds the manager, consults him, and then leaves. It's a very efficient, yet vague business. "If you can't solve people's problems, there's plenty of money to be made in prolonging them."<br /><br />When I was a kid, and I came home from school very upset about what someone had said to me, my father would sit me down and ask what happened. I would recount a horrific tale of verbal assault in which I was an innocent bystander and was called the worst thing my 3rd grade mind could imagine: a poo-head.<br /><br />Streams of tears would run down my face. "Oh the humanity!" I would wail.<br /><br />My father, with love in his eyes, would look at me and say, "Why are you a poo-head?"<br /><br />In my fit of rage I would spout a number of things of why he hated me.<br /><br />And again, my father would look at me and clarify, "No Steven, what can you think of that would make him call you that?"<br /><br />I was flabbergasted (even though I didn't know the meaning of that word at the time)! My father was supposed to hug me and make it all feel better! He was supposed to say something like, "Oh that so and so doesn't know anything about you. You are amazing just the way you are." And then I'd sniff a little bit and run out to play again.<br /><br />Now, my little 3rd grade head couldn't figure out my father's wisdom. And even I still have trouble with it now! But I'm slowly getting better at it. Well, I hope so.<br /><br />I talked with my dear mum this last Sunday about some personal issues I have. My mum is very good at telling me what I need to hear, without it coming across as harsh. But maybe that's just because we have worked through so much before.<br /><br />Sorry, getting sidetracked. We talked about the way my mind works. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit after being given feedback, of being hyper-critical of the feedback-giver's own foibles. It's almost an immediate reaction. I do take into consideration what they've said. But then I think, "look at all this stuff I'm trying to change and *they* are not doing anything!" Which is probably my attempt to fulfill the victim role and have to do less work than before.<br /><br />So my mum told me to snap out of that attitude. It isn't healthy for anyone. I end up feeling resentful of the other person, and then do nothing about the feedback I had received.<br /><br />Now this is not to say that every person should actually follow-through with every piece of feedback given. I was given some anonymous feedback at work saying that I don't care about my students. That's obviously not true. There are much better, higher paying, less stressful jobs out there that I could take if I didn't care. I don't work there for the money. I work there because I care.<br /><br />So in that case, I feel justified in refusing to really consider that feedback.<br /><br />But in other circumstances I can't do that. My mum and I also talked about what we expect from other people. We expect *them* to do the work, and in turn make *us* happy. When in reality, if we just worked on making ourselves happy, more people that we surround ourselves with would be happy. "Be the change you wish to see in others"<br /><br />So I'll end this blog with a funny little story about two of my students at work. And I'll change their names.<br /><br />Bob and Sally are dating. And they are so mushy and lovey-dovey that I wanna take a blunt instrument to my head when I see them. But Sally is a bit of a ditz.<br /><br />Students were coming from Spain to visit our school. Every other year, they come to our school, and our school goes to their school the following year. And back and forth we go. Wee!<br /><br />Anyway, Bob is from Europe. I don't remember which part. When he heard those students were coming, he said, "It'll be so nice to have some other Europeans around."<br /><br />To which Sally responded, "Bob...Span is in *South America*!"<br /><br />*Induce blunt instrument head-bashing*Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-39338594241763054652011-03-23T00:55:00.002-06:002011-03-23T01:12:17.735-06:00It Gets to YouWow I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. So I suppose it's time for an update.<br /><br />I got accepted into the Masters program at the University of Utah to begin my work towards becoming a professional counselor. I am currently on the alternate list for their PhD program so if I don't get into that, I can at least start working on my Masters.<br /><br />I have a boyfriend! Amazing right? Didn't seem like I was going to get one. We were set up by a mutual friend and I was shocked things worked out 'cause blind dates usually don't end well. But, I wasn't looking and everyone says that a boyfriend comes along when you stop looking for one. So yay me!<br /><br />I'm mainly writing this blog to get some feelings out that I'm having right now. I do want to address a frustration I recently had.<br /><br />Someone in my ward read my blog. I have a pretty good idea who it is. He decided to run and tell the bishop about my blog. The bishop then decided to give me a call and talk about my blog. Nothing bad happened. We just talked and he wanted to make sure I was using this blog just as a journal and not as a way to try and teach doctrine or something like that. And I can understand the bishops' concern.<br /><br />The problem comes in with this guy who ran to tattle to the bishop on me. I mean really...? Nowhere in my blog have I ever stated that my thoughts and ideas were doctrine of the church and that I was trying to persuade people to believe in what I had to say. If you have a problem with me or my blog, say it to my face. Don't try to go behind my back, because guess what? I have a lot of respect for people who bring me feedback out in the open. The people who want to save face or whatever and go around me actually end up losing my respect.<br /><br />The words from a song keep repeating in my head over and over. The line is, "what if your best just isn't good enough?"<br /><br />I've felt like that a lot. Actually, most of my life to be honest. Having been to therapy, I've done a lot of work on my shame-based thoughts and behaviors. For some reason, I have an idea about myself that I'm not good enough and I never will be good enough. I don't know where this idea originated, and I probably had a lot to do with it being perpetuated but that's not the point. The point is that some of the stuff that I'm exposed to has really begun to wear me down.<br /><br />Being gay, I am privy to a lot of information about gay issues. Mostly just because my friends post things on their websites or facebook accounts. And most of the time these things are not good. It usually has to deal with how we are still being denied rights and how we are of a lower class then everyone else.<br /><br />So what am I feeling now? That I've tried my best and it's just not good enough.<br /><br />For the first time in my life, I am living as authentic of a life as possible. I'm working on being true to my religion (by living it as much as I can being gay) and I'm also working on being okay with myself as a gay.<br /><br />But then I see these hate-filled statements that politicians, religious figures, and other people make and as much as I try to not let it sink in, it takes its toll. There are nights like tonight where I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like I'm fighting so hard just to be myself and it doesn't even matter because I'm just not good enough. How I was born and made is just not up to par with what I should be.<br /><br />So I'm left with this empty feeling inside. What more can I do? How much more am I expected to take? <br /><br />Unfortunately, the words of others are almost always worse than physical actions. Someone can punch me, and yes I'll have some bruises or damage for a while, but it goes away. The words that I hear stay with me. I can see the article headlines in my mind, "God hates gays", "so and so brings Bible to prove that gays are terrible", and so on and so forth.<br /><br />Those bigoted words stay with me. People can believe what they want and think that homosexuality is wrong or that's its a choice or whatever else. They're just ignorant. But when people are vocal in degrading a group of people, those people will eventually start believing what they hear.<br /><br />I know I'm beginning to...Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-12687799156714610132011-02-21T14:36:00.006-07:002011-02-21T15:17:12.228-07:00Online DatingThe world of gay dating is an interesting one. In my experience, most of the first interactions between two people occur online. Let's face it, it's hard to go up to someone and just hit on them. I wouldn't even do that in a gay club, let alone in a normal setting where I could be hitting on a straight guy! Oh and just FYI straight guys, just because a guy is gay doesn't mean he's attracted to you. That's like thinking that every straight girl is attracted to you. But you might already think that...conceited...moving on!<br /><br />So I thought I'd write a little blog about some of the things that I find funny in cyber dating. Let us first begin with the all-amazing iPhone.<br /><br />There have been research articles that have shown that iPhone owners are more likely to have sex. Why you may ask? Well, it could be that there are multiple applications for the iPhone which allows a user, using the built in GPS chip, to see who is nearby and of the same sexual orientation. I have a few of these applications on my phone and I've met some cool people and some rather...interesting...people as well. Let me tell you some of the "secrets" to these apps.<br /><br />Some people think they are being all clever and sneaky when they hide certain information on the apps. The basic information asks for a picture, age, height, weight and ethnicity. <br /><br />So let's say someone decides not to show their age. They're probably thinking to themselves, "I bet if I don't show my age, everyone will think I'm super young and talk to me..." Uh, no. If you hide information like that, you're basically going to cause the opposite effect. You're hiding your age because your old.<br /><br />The same thing happens with profile pictures. People choose to showcase a different part of their body, mostly the chest which can make for some great eye candy, or they show a blurry picture of their face. It should come as no surprise when they do actually show their face you might be in for a bit of a shock! Just show your face people! Not everyone is going to think you're attractive! But at least that way the ones who do think you're cute will talk to you and the other ones won't have to dig through the obligatory "hello, how are you? Do you have a face picture?" to find out you're not the one for them.<br /><br />And why is it that guys are so obsessed with how their chests look? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think a nice chest is...well...nice! But I don't think that every single person on the planet should be required to have one in order to become appealing to the opposite sex. I also think it's funny when a guys' profile picture is just a chest and he says on the profile, "not looking for a hookup..." Well, I hate to break it to you, but showing off your chest without any other information is basically telling everyone you have nothing better to offer than your body. Sounds like you're looking for a hookup to me.<br /><br />Now on more detailed sites, like websites designed for dating, you can add a variety of information to your profile. I basically wrote a narrative for mine because it keeps the creepers away, while allowing for the people who are actually intelligent to laugh at my writing style, and hopefully proceed to email me.<br /><br />"Be straight acting" I see that phrase all over the place! Um...I'm not straight. Nor do I intend to be. I don't know what's down there on a woman's body but I'm pretty sure Easy A said it best, "What is with you gays? Do you think I have a gnome down there...?" Yes, yes I do.<br /><br />So where did this homophobia of other gays come from? Well, I can understand what they mean. I can't say I relish being with a gay who is exactly like The National Enquirer in human form. I can only take that in small doses people. But really? Straight acting? We're all gonna be a little gay! I mean, you like boys, that's pretty gay if you ask me. This is not to say I am extremely feminine. But I'm not extremely masculine either. I'm a healthy balanced gay. Except when I'm hyper, then I tend to get a teensy bit more flaming!<br /><br />The online world provides a sense of security and a detachment of oneself from the feelings of others. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to chat with someone, and the next thing I know, I can no longer access their profiles. I must have bad breath or something that can be detected through the Internet! There must be some conspiracy going on here...<br /><br />So there's a little bit about the dating world. It's a little bit messed up. Which is why it's preferred, for me anyway, to meet people in person. I've been told I'm cuter in person anyway.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-23793636842023353742011-01-10T19:13:00.002-07:002011-01-10T19:13:53.376-07:00Letters of IntentHey everyone,<br /><br />Since tonight seems to be the night that people get feedback on their stuff, I thought I'd join in! I have written to Letters of Intent for Utah State University with two different styles. I was wondering if I could get your opinion on both and tell me which is better.<br /><br />Formal:<br /> As a student at Utah State University, I would most certainly excel. I am tenacious, disciplined, passionate, balanced, and driven. Having successfully completed my education at Brigham Young University so quickly while maintaining excellent grades and a healthy social life can certainly attest to that.<br /> Ultimately, I hope to be a therapist at a university counseling center. As a therapist, I would hope to help students become just a little bit better so that they may achieve their goals. I would also enjoy being a part-time professor with a few classes. I would use my case notes to show my students what psychology looks like outside of the classroom.<br /> Growing up, I had the opportunity to travel the world and experience different cultures and encounter new and exciting people. I believe it helped me broaden my horizons further than my friends who did not have that opportunity.<br /> My parents often encouraged me to reach out beyond myself. This was put to the test when my brother became addicted to heroine. In my effort to reach out to him, I felt powerless to help. I did not want to see his talent and personality poisoned by his addiction.<br /> Because of the experience I had with my brother, I began volunteering at places where I felt like I could make a difference. I volunteered at the Christa McAuliffe Space Education Center where I taught groups of teenagers the skills of teamwork. I was also lucky enough to explore a new area with my volunteering at a clinic for sex offenders. My volunteer work at a boarding school as well as at the Utah State Mental Hospital allowed me to become more acquainted with one individual and help them just by taking their mind off their current situation.<br /> I currently work at a therapeutic boarding school for at-risk teens. Most of the residents that come into our program are from a wilderness program. For the most part, they have experimented with drugs, alcohol and sex and let it get the best of them. At the school, I oversee the dorms and make sure things run smoothly. I also act as a go-between for the residents and their therapists because often times the residents feel more comfortable coming to me before their therapist.<br /> Before that I worked at Copper Hills Youth Center as a milieu staff. There I was more responsible for the resident’s safety because those kids were more prone to violence. It was there that I learned the most on how to manage crisis situations, as they tended to happen more often than at the boarding school. I also developed respect for the people that can work with that kind of population.<br /> As a gay male that came out at BYU, I began to critically analyze my core values and beliefs. It was difficult to come out in an environment that at times was hostile to how I was feeling. Because of some of the pressure that I was under, my ability to analyze situations and research became much stronger. I was able to look at moral issues and see it from a more understanding viewpoint. I knew what it was like to be thrown into a general category with all of the other people like me. I vowed that I would do my best to get to know the person behind the issue, and not just how to fix the issue.<br /> In my research experience at BYU, I focused on pornography, sex education, depression, gender roles, memory retention, and sexual orientation. My role in most of the research was to write up our findings, as well as create and give the presentation of our data. I found that collecting and presenting our data was both challenging and exciting.<br /> I look forward to taking this next step in my life. I believe that the program at Utah State University will challenge me to be better, work harder, and achieve my professional goals.<br /><br /><br />Informal:<br /> Dr. Bristow seems to have a nice ring to it—sophisticated and invokes a sense of confidence. Not that a name is everything, but at least it’s a good start.<br /> People have always fascinated me. I love taking a look around in public places to see how people interact with one another. I remember in particular one day seeing a young woman at the DMV who decided to flip out on the phone while standing in line. Why on earth she decided to do it in such a public setting is beyond me. But maybe with more formal education, I can catch a glimpse at what makes people tick.<br /> Most people cannot wait to get out of school. I am one of the rare gems (maybe nerd is a better word) who cannot wait to go back to school. I love the challenge, the knowledge, the fun, the discipline, and just the essence that fills the air. It’s as if the air is filled with knowledge and all I have to do is breathe it in to become smarter. Obviously, it takes much more than that. Skills such as tenacity, discipline, drive, passion, and balance all play an important role. And since I feel like I am in possession of most of these skills (I am allowed to sell myself here right?), I will excel at Utah State University.<br /> I am a local boy. I was born and raised in the little bubble they call Utah Valley. I loved it there. I got to experience a very different culture from what the rest of the world is used to. But since I have relatives around the globe, I have had the opportunity to explore other cultures and areas. My drive comes from wanting to see the unexplored. The Star Trek: The Next Generation theme song comes to mind—I want to go where no man has gone before—into the human mind.<br /> Well, not literally of course. Ultimately, I would love to work in a university setting at a counseling center. I would enjoy not only being a therapist but also teaching a few classes to show students what psychology actually looks like outside the classroom. I would push my students to focus more on themselves, which may seem like a selfish goal. However, in my experience, it has only been when I have focused on myself and made myself truly happy, that I was able to lift others up to my level. I am in a constant quest to better myself and in turn, better those I come in contact with.<br /> My research experience at BYU focused a lot on gender roles, depression, pornography, sexual orientation, and memory retention. As a gay man who came out at BYU, I was put in a situation where I needed to critically analyze the world around me. While most of my friends thought that this critical analyzing would include me deciding if they were crazy (Because that’s apparently all psychologists do), I included it in my school work. I knew how to have a balanced life and used it to stay on top of my work as well as to simply stay sane.<br /> I currently work at a therapeutic boarding school in Oakley, Utah. There, I am an assistant house coach and oversee things in the dorm and make sure things run smoothly. At times, I feel as if I am a therapist. The residents will come up to me frequently and figuratively spill their guts. I, in turn, try my best to empathize and if it is in my power, I do my best to rectify the situation. For the most part, I encourage them to stay in close contact with their therapist and family as I do not have the necessary skills to actually give therapy.<br /> I have done a lot of volunteer work in the past. It was very influential in helping me find my knack and passion for psychology. I volunteered at a “space center” where I pretended to be in the Star Trek universe. I also volunteered at a boarding school, the Utah State Mental Hospital, and a sex offender clinic. And just before my work at the boarding school, I worked at an RTC.<br /> I am excited to begin this next part of my life. I believe being a therapist will help me make the world a little bit better. Oh, and I still want my title of doctor.<br /><br />Thank you everyone!Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-63089933636548104352011-01-01T14:17:00.000-07:002011-01-01T14:18:33.320-07:00A Brand New DayIf you didn't know, my title actually comes from a song that's a part of "Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog" which is an awesome show by the way. It is actually one of my favorite songs. Probably because it's kind of a dark, passionate, emotional song, but also sassy. I dunno, I just really like songs that are more sad. They just sound better and are a lot more powerful. Guess they just resonate with me.<br /> <br />But this isn't about music. I guess I feel the urgent desire to write in my blog for some reason. Maybe it's because it's New Years day and I feel some obligation to create some resolutions. But I've also been struggling and writing usually helps me feel better.<br /> <br />It's amazing how different people can bring out the best and the worst in you. I know here at work, some of these kids just know all the right buttons to push and I can go from zero to sixty in two seconds. But then there are kids here who can actually tell when something is bugging me, and I can actually see that they care.<br /> <br />Well, my day started out well yesterday until I received some news from a friend of mine. He and I met recently; we've hung out every day and have gone on a few dates. Honestly, I have never felt the way I feel about him before. And I told him that. That was when he told me that he's been hurt a lot and so he's locked away his feelings. He's just not as interested in me as I am in him.<br /> <br />Well, that hurt. A lot. After I saw that, I couldn't stop crying. He called and we talked about it, and honestly, I understand where he's coming from. I know it's important to protect yourself from emotional pain and anguish. But it doesn't make it any easier for me.<br /> <br />The problem for me comes in with my feelings. If I had these overwhelming feelings for every guy I've ever met, I would say there's a problem and that I'm falling too easily for guys and am not letting things happen naturally. But that's not what is happening. I've met plenty of gay guys, and have never felt so twitterpated as I did with this guy. So I feel like it's something special. It is for me anyway, maybe not for him.<br /> <br />And of course I *love* to overanalyze everything. It's a bad habit, I know. I'll work on that. Maybe that should be a New Years resolution! Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...<br /> <br />So, I'm overanalyzing things. I'm thinking that he really doesn't like me, that he never has, that he's dating other guys on the side and making them fall for him like I did. But of course, I have no evidence to support those assumptions. He even told me that I have done absolutely nothing wrong. He is just trying to work things out for himself and that he has just a different process of doing things.<br /> <br />This has brought up some interesting feelings for me: both bad and good. Which is why I mentioned how different people can really change how things look to you. So now to my resolutions.<br /> <br />I think my first one is to be true to myself. Honestly I get crazy mixed messages from the gay universe! Which is incredibly frustrating. I keep hearing from guy after guy how much they value honesty with others and with themselves. And I'm a pretty honest guy when it comes to my emotions, needs, and what I want. But that seems to scare people off. I tell them how I'm *honestly* feeling and it scares 'em off. I can understand that, I guess. Most people aren't used to others who are very honest and direct. Guess that's just another way my psychology degree has ruined my life.<br /> <br />But hey, as I have been thinking, being true to myself, no matter what that is, is what I want to do. I'd rather be with someone who loves me and everything about me, even when I am crazy just because I'm in tune and open about my emotions. That way I'd feel truly fulfilled and valued. I am a worthy person all by myself, without needing to change.<br /> <br />My second resolution also has to do with dating. I am going to go on dates to have fun. This one is going to be a challenge. When I ask guys out, sometimes I feel differently on that first date. Unless I've already been hanging out with the guy a little bit before I ask him out. But I think that happens to everyone. So I think if I am honest with myself, I will have fun on dates and won't be thinking in the back of my mind, "is this going to go anywhere?" and all those other relationship questions.<br /> <br />My third resolution is to be selfish. But not in the way you think. I find myself giving up a lot of what I want to do for the benefit or convenience of others. I need to be taking care of my own needs first. I can't help people up a mountain unless I myself am on a higher plane and am able to do so. Along with this, I want to start doing things for myself that make myself happy. I snowboard, and I love it. I go by myself every week and it hasn't been an issue. I don't look around and pout because I am alone. I am at peace, and am in love with what I am doing. I want other activities to help me do that. I used to volunteer at the Space Center. I now think I'd like to volunteer at the Salt Lake City LGBT center. I used to take violin lessons and play my bass in an orchestra. I now want to take voice lessons and get back involved in an orchestra either with my violin or bass. In this way, I am being selfish, but it will allow me to be in a better mood, and be better able to help others in a darker place than my own.<br /> <br />Hopefully I will get accepted into graduate school this year. I applied for the PhD programs at the U and USU in counseling psychology. I also applied for the masters program at the U just in case I don't get into one of the doctorate programs. Education keeps me busy, helps me have a goal in mind, and keeps me feeling useful. If I don't get into grad school, I will have to rely more heavily on my hobbies and other activities.<br /> <br />I want to look back at the end of 2011 and think to myself that I made the most of every moment I had a live. Life is precious. As I know from losing my brother, it really can end at any time. If that were to happen to me, I want to be able to say I live with no regrets. And honestly I'm doing a very good job I think. The only thing I would regret is not choosing to learn something from a mistake. Mistakes are good.<br /> <br />I watched Memoirs of a Geisha last night and thought it was a fantastic movie. It was beautiful, profound, fun, engaging, and insightful. In one scene, a man approaches the young main character and encourages her that the next time she falls down, she must get up with a smile because happy moments are ours for the taking, and we must make the most of them whenever we can.<br /> <br />So there you have it. I actually do have some resolutions! And studies have actually shown that writing down goals makes you more likely to achieve them. Most likely because it helps them be stored in long-term memory for use down the road. But now I'm just psycho-babbling...Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-10870639997827834872010-12-18T15:40:00.000-07:002010-12-18T15:41:10.498-07:00The Undatable (Oooh good horror movie title)One of the most interesting things about being a major in psychology was to see who would pick what topics to write their research papers about. I heard one of my professors say one day that usually, the people who struggle with something will choose that topic to write about. That makes sense. It's a really good way to do a lot of research about your struggles under the guises of academia. How awesomely brilliant!<br /> <br />And I was no exception to the rule. I remember writing about homosexuality, pornography, bullying, sex education, emotions, depression, and other subjects that had either directly or indirectly influenced my life. People may say they choose something in the social sciences for altruistic means. This is simply not the case. People just working in the social sciences because it helps them feel good, helps them feel appreciated, fills a little hole inside them, or provides them with some sort of purpose. This is not to lessen the impact that these people have on the lives of their clients (I would never debase myself like that), it's more of just a general observation as I've worked in the field for a little while now. I am at the point that I can be honest with myself enough to know, or at least try to understand, what my motives are.<br /> <br />I have been doing some self-evaluation lately. Unfortunately I can't say that it was because of some desire to be a better person, or some other more noble motivation. Honestly, it happened because I was dumped twice this last week.<br /> <br />To give you an update, I have honestly been doing *so* much better now that I am on Wellbutrin. I have noticed a huge change. I still get down because of actions or situations that affect me. But I don't get so down that I feel like there is no way out. I am quicker to laugh, more understanding, and more helpful than before. Honestly I don't think I've had this many giggle fits in a long time.<br /> <br />So this last week-ish, maybe a bit longer, I went on some really good dates. One was with a guy that I had been talking with for a little while online. He and I would write long emails to each other a few times a day. I felt like we had a lot in common. I went out with him, thoroughly enjoyed my evening, and thought that maybe I would actually have a chance with this guy. He was beautiful, fun, and we seemed to get along fine. Then I didn't hear back from him for a few days. The only time I would was if I texted him first. So one day I just honestly asked him if he was interested. He told me he wasn't. He told me he was looking for a quiet life and I'm more of a city boy. And that was that.<br /> <br />The second boy I took out seemed to go better. We got along well, enjoyed each others' company, both seemed to get excited about our upcoming dates, and he and I went out a few times. Unfortunately, he did not feel that *spark* that most people do when they are in a relationship that they feel really good about. At least he was honest and open enough to come and tell me he wasn't interested instead of just hoping I'd give up trying like the other guy. Honestly, this second guy hurt me, and when he came to talk to me I couldn't stop crying. A lot of my own issues and insecurities came up in that moment.<br /> <br />This is where I got to thinking. Both guys had told me some interesting things. They told me I was fun, cute, smart, charming, genuine, loving, and overall just a good guy. So...I'm not seeing a problem here. If I have all of these wonderful qualities, why is it that I feel like nobody wants to date me. That thought was the heardest to bare.<br /> <br />So what are my good qualities? And what makes me undatable? This is what I've been thinking of for the past week.<br /> <br />I've noticed more of the good that I do this past week than at other times. I work with at-risk youth. Many would consider that a tiresome and hopeless job. It is tiresome, but I enjoy my work. I get a great satisfaction from it. I am very helpful here: both staff and residents give me good feedback and appreciate having me around. That's definitely a plus.<br /> <br />I am usually quite good at listening and being patient with people and their problems. This has come into play more in my social life than in my personal. I had two friends in high school tell me that if it weren't for me, they would've taken their lives. I made them feel special and worth something.<br /> <br />Which brings me to another thought. If I can make others feel special and worth something, what is it that makes it so hard for me to make myself feel like that? I honestly look around at others and are envious of them. I see they have more friends, people talk to them more, they seem more happy and stable, and other things. I judge myself very harshly based on these and other characteristics. I think to myself that other people *deserve* to feel special. I, however, do not. There is simply no room in this world for someone like me.<br /> <br />This is not to say that I am incredibly depressed or sad or anything at the moment. I've actually had quite a good day and am feeling very positive. I'm just honestly trying to analyze my feelings. Or perhaps overanalyze is a better term...boo being a psychology major...it ruins lives!<br /> <br />So, what makes me undatable? Well I've been trying to process my feelings with friends over the last few days. One suggested that I might be intimidating to some. I have a hard time with that one considering that I am a little guy with absolutely no power to do any harm to another person using brute strength. But maybe my personality is intimidating. Someone told me that I seem very confident and put together. Well I'm glad the facade is working! Or maybe I am just more confident that I even realize.<br /> <br />Another friend said that guys just aren't ready for commitment. Well, not all of them aren't, and I have plenty of evidence of that! I've had more people that could be my father hit on me than I can even count. And that's just creepy. I like older guys and everything but people please? I draw the line at 32. But it is true that most guys my age are just looking to where they can get their next hookup. Which kinda sucks for me since I'm looking for something a little deeper.<br /> <br />It was also asked of me why I was in such a rush to get into a relationship. I think that question has multiple facets to it. I was definitely raised in a culture where marriage at a young age is desirable and almost forced upon me. The fear of never finding someone that I can truly have a connection with has also crossed my mind. Will I live out a life totally alone and devoid of an emotional and spiritual connection with another person, so deep that my heart and soul is invested in it? I dare not think about it. Er...obviously I do or else I would not have suggested it.<br /> <br />So is there a point to all this? Maybe not. Maybe I've just been rambling or wanting to write in my blog since it's been a while. I don't know. We are our own harshest critics. That I can truly attest to. And many of my friends can attest to telling me positive qualities about myself, that I just refuse to put stock into. Maybe my thinking is too black and white. I feel like the bad of me outweighs the good, so therefore, I must be bad. Just a possibility.<br /> <br />I will continue living life to the best of my ability. I must be doing something right if I have so many friends, and so many positive experiences with those friends. This might just be a time where I have to have faith in myself, and faith enough in my own abilities to begin to like myself. <br /> <br />I've come to the point where I've stopped asking people on dates. I don't really see a point to it. Why waste money or my heart on something that will probably just end in dissappointment? If someone asks me on a date, awesome, I won't be turning it down. But this dating frenzy of mine needs to stop. It's not going anywhere, and it won't go anywhere. It's time to accept that. At least just being with people as friends will help take the pressure off. Then maybe I won't look so desperate. That's probably why I'm undatable.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-28918927482033441852010-10-31T13:14:00.015-06:002010-10-31T20:50:55.586-06:00Look AroundTake a look around you. Maybe not physically but more metaphorically. What's going on with the people around you? How well do you know these people and what they're dealing with? I would have to say most of us don't really know what's going on.<br /><br />For me, and a lot of people like me, something in their heads sings this song to them almost every day of their lives.<br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyW3UUvaT25FbIhi_p17STC2JxBcZii-y_pQUgCu1vfsc8pKtuiolHq0I9kNFfYgL3FpR_ZHZUcV6QmsC_S8g' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br /><br />I'm sure everyone at some point or another has heard that haunting voice singing to them and telling them they're not good enough, that there is no hope for the future, and that the best thing to do would be to succumb to the gloom that depression offers.<br /><br />I know I've certainly been there a lot. <br /><br />When I take a look around, I see a lot of people trying to do good. There's this campaign going around to try and inspire hope: the It Gets Better project.<br /><br />I've taken a part in it. I created a music video a few years ago in which, coincidentally, was about the same time I was coming out. The video is about a person coming to terms with themselves.<br /><br />But then I really think about this project. Yes, I do think that it's a positive thing, and I do believe that it does inspire some hope in those who are feeling hopeless. But really, why all the effort on reaching out to those that we do not know?<br /><br />Now, before you jump to any conclusions about that question, lemme clarify. I do think that people who are working on these projects are good, and they have good intentions, and that they are inspiring some hope. However, if you take a look around you, there are a lot of people you *already know* that need more of your attention.<br /><br />There are people at our parties that go unnoticed, there are new classmates that go unwelcomed, old friends who have gone silent, family members who have lost their vitality, and so many others that we already have a relationship with that are simply fading away.<br /><br />I have a way of trying to express my grief. And yes I know that often times it can be unhealthy. I post a facebook status, write a poem, or write in my blog. For the most part, I get people who text, write, or call asking to help and I begin to process. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to directly ask for help. But then, more often than not, I get some sort of message from someone I had previously considered a friend. It usually tells me that I am being ridiculous in my means of seeking help, that I'm dragging others down, that I need to suck it up and just get over it.<br /><br />And, incredibly, these are some of the same people that are reaching out the countless unknown faces who need help. It seems that their concern lies more with being heard, and being known or popular, than with actually doing some good.<br /><br />I have been working harder on finding those in my circle of friends who are feeling left out. It is truly rewarding to find someone that really just needed a friend to talk to. Their eyes light up, their smile comes back, and there is a very strong emotional connection that is built. Those connections usually last far longer than a stranger saying in passing, "things will get better".<br /><br />I'm sorry if this has come across as a pity party for myself. It was not intended to do so. I simply wish to call people to pay attention to what is going on right in their very own relationships.<br /><br />Find the black sheep. Find the kid at the party sitting by himself. Invite people beyond your usual circle of friends to do something fun. Be aware. We all know what it feels like to be left out, and feel like if we just disappeared, the world would go on as usual. Don't let your friends feel like that. They're your friend for a reason. Find the good in them, and *be* the good you wish to see in others.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-10352188759160842672010-10-20T21:23:00.004-06:002010-10-31T14:12:46.518-06:00Therapize Me!Well I suppose an update is in order before I begin the main event this evening...<br /><br />Dating...sucks! I used to think dating was all fun and happy. Well, duh, that's cause I was dating girls and there was never any drama or major romantic feelings involved with that! You'd think I would've gotten the gay clue earlier...he he he. Anyway, now I have to try and learn how to date all over again! Now there are awful feelings like jealousy, rejection, betrayal and of course lots of drama. I hate dating...<br /><br />I have drugs! Wait...lemme clarify that...I have *prescription* drugs for depression now. I think it's about time I started taking these things again. Prozac was terrible. It made me feel absolutely nothing which, believe it or not, is worse than feeling sad all the time. Now I'm gonna be starting Wellbutrin tomorrow morning and see how that plays out. While I was in the psychiatrist's office, she said, "oh goodness we don't have a whole lot of time" and I wanted to cry. Seriously, felt those tears sneak attacking me from behind my eyeballs. Then I thought to myself, ya, this is probably good for you to get some medicine.<br /><br />So now for the main attraction. My therapy session. Ya, I saw those shivers run down your spine.<br /><br />We talked a lot about being assertive today. I have a hard time with this one. I am about as assertive as a piece of paper. I feel like I get blown all over, thrown out, and drawn on by two-year-olds who can't stay in the lines!<br /><br />Ahem, so these last two weeks I have worked on being assertive and I feel like I am making progress. I was even bold enough to tell a guy straight up (if I can say that texting counts as straight up) that I wasn't interested in dating him. I was so nervous to tell him that! Bah it was scary! But it turned out ok, and in the end I don't have to worry about trying to drop subtle clues that I'm not interested that we all know guys never get anyway. You know that's interesting...it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, guys will never get clues. How's that for food for thought!<br /><br />As we continued our discussion I told her about a situation that happened recently. I was with a guy, yes it was a date ok, and we were driving home. He was telling me a rather interesting story which took place in a strip club. I became very uncomfortable. Naked people in any form are just awkward ok? Deal with it.<br /><br />So I listened to his story and then realized a thought flying around in my brain. Can I only date people with my same standards in order for me not to feel like I'm lowering my standards?<br /><br />Of course I can look at that now and wanna smack myself in the face and be like, no! But at the time, this thought was very distressing.<br /><br />From there, my thought took its course. It transformed into the "you are lowering your standards monster" followed by the "you should just jump off the deep end and do whatever you want" monster and ultimately grew into the horror of horrors--the "you're not good enough" monster which usually ends up biting off vast amounts of my delicious thunder thighs...<br /><br />At this point, emotionally, I basically give up. There was a small voice in the back of my head that told me to just get up and keep going. But now, I had to shut down. So I crawled into bed and cried for half an hour. Only *then* could I actually get up. Ya I know, I have more raging hormones than most teenage girls. But those hormones probably gave me my fabulous lampshade of a booty. So I'm ok with that.<br /><br />"So how does that make you feel?" I lie down on the couch and prepare to delve into my deep Oedipal complexes... Ha ha just kidding!<br /><br />But we do decide to talk about it. Basically, we came to the conclusion that I am not assertive with myself. Sure, I'm doing well in being assertive with others, but not myself. So the plan of action? When I feel uncomfortable, and that thought first pops into my head, I need to remove myself from the situation for a moment. This will give me time to ask myself what I really want. The reason I ask myself what I really want is to make sure I don't use passive aggressive techniques to process the information. So instead of being like, "wow I'm really lame, you can't hang out with me because I don't do any of that," I can say to myself, "I have chosen to live this way and I trust you to respect my limits and boundaries I have set." Wow! Do you see how powerful that statement is! It's like Mr. T. Seriously....<br /><br />So that's the plan! I hope it'll work. Oh another goal I made in therapy is to jog. Yes, I am succumbing to the necessary evil of exercise.<br /><br />There was another thing I realized in therapy this evening. I am trying to reclaim some things I lost when I was a kid.<br /><br />Before I decided to try and be super outgoing, I had a very small circle of friends. I was confident, quiet, smart, invested, passionate, caring and the best listener *ever* in the history of the universe. After I decided to be more outgoing, I lost some of those qualities. I began to expect myself to be the life of the party so that people would notice me. Oh they'd notice me, but I'd still end up feeling worse about myself than before the party. I lost a bit of empathy and some of my listening skills. Now I was in the high-paced world of texting! I needed constant communication from everyone to live!<br /><br />So where have those qualities gone? Well, they're still in there, and dating these last two weeks has brought them out a bit. I've stopped texting as much. I am more interested and invested in the other person and their wants, comforts, likes and dislikes. I'm funny and dorky in a quiet way and get more out of having meaningful conversations, and quoting random movies, than talking about all the people I know and all the cool things I do. Ya I'm cool (I mean duh) but that doesn't mean I need to shove coolness down their throats!<br /><br />I am getting in touch with my more natural and authentic qualities. It's like eating at one of those health food stores, but for the soul! Mmmmm, me gusta.<br /><br />And there ya have it. The update on my life. I have tried to incorporate more of my sarcasm and wit that I used in the last blog post into this one. So if ever at any point you were thinking, "holy crap this kid is totally conceited" I know that I did a good job. There was a very positive response from my last blog post. And it's much more fun to read anyway.<br /><br />I think I hear my bed calling me... Wait, maybe I need to go back to that therapist again... I'm coming poopsie-kins (that's my bed, not my therapist...wow I'm tired)!Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-81231544086488407592010-09-29T11:07:00.002-06:002010-09-29T12:23:06.047-06:00The ER DramaSo, as mad as I am right now, I can't help but laugh at this whole situation. The entire thing is utterly ridiculous and insane! But before I really get into that, let me back up a bit and give you some history.<br /><br />I get depressed sometimes. If that's not clearly evident to you in some of my blog posts, then you need to have your emotions examined.<br /><br />On Sunday, I was feeling down, as does happen, and I had previously talked to my mother about it. We talked about future steps of going back to my therapist and possibly seeing a psychiatrist to get some medication. Then I went home and continued my evening. Later, I received an email in which I felt personally attacked and humiliated by what was said.<br /><br />And then I had a nervous breakdown. I do freely admit that I was not in a healthy place. In my expressions of my feelings to a few close friends, I told them I was feeling trapped and that suicide had crossed my mind.<br /><br />Pause...Just because suicide crosses a persons mind, does not make them suicidal. Let us continue...<br /><br />As good friends are, they were concerned. I gave them a promise that I wouldn't hurt myself, I wasn't planning on it anyway, so that they would feel better. But that wasn't enough. Not that I'm complaining! I'm grateful for their help. I slept over at a friends' house and the next day called my therapist and a psychiatrist and moved on.<br /><br />Tuesday was a bit of a rough day. I started crying later that night and felt really alone and unwanted. I texted some of those same close friends expressing my feelings of being alone. One in particular called me and we talked for a few minutes. He encouraged me to call me therapist. So I did. My therapist and I talked for about twenty minutes and I was feeling much relief and was about to hop on my computer to do some therapy homework for my appointment later today.<br /><br />Little to my knowledge, the friend that I had been talking to right before I called my therapist called the police. There was a loud bang on my door. I ran downstairs to answer it and there were two police officers.<br /><br />They came in, told me that there had been a report that I wanted to kill myself. I showed them my text messages which clearly showed that the ONLY text that could've been seen as suicidal was sent on Sunday, and not that night that they showed up. They asked me some questions, were pretty polite and understanding, and left.<br /><br />I went upstairs and began talking to my roommate about what was going on. Then there was another bang on the door. Aaaaand, they were back.<br /><br />Apparently, when they left and updated my concerned friend, my concerned friend then told them that I had actually sent him a text *that night* saying I was suicidal. Um...ya, not true Mr. Popo. I showed you my texts.<br /><br />So I began arguing my case. I said I wasn't suicidal and that that certain text was sent Sunday. This is when the police start not liking you. 'Cause they're always right...<br /><br />They basically forced me to go to the hospital. There were threats made of legal action against me, my concerned friend was in a panic, and so me, being incredibly frustrated but wanting to appease everyone, went to the hospital.<br /><br />I'd never ridden in a police car before. Wee it was fun! He wasn't that great of a driver, I hope you know. But there were no flashing lights, so I didn't cause too much of a scene as we were careening down a residential road going at least 60 MPH...<br /><br />I arrived at the hospital. All the paramedics and firefighters were just staring at me. And mmmmm they could stare all they wanted 'cause those boys were SO ridiculously attractive! And this is where my psychology degree kicked in. For better or worse. But I'm thinking worse, but with a light humor added.<br /><br />They sat me down to take my vitals. I turned to the nurse and asked, "Do you guys use Q15's here?" which is a system we used at the RTC I worked at to monitor patients. Then I was like *Doh!*. My brain was like, "Steven, that makes it sound like you've done this a lot before. That's a bad choice..." I was like, "Oh crap, you're right, shutting up."<br /><br />They made me take off all my clothes, good thing I had shaved my chest earlier that day so I looked super hot, and I was left to put on that ridiculous hospital gown over nothing but my hot pink American Eagle underwear.<br /><br />If you're not laughing at this point, I think you're broken. I was giggling inside actually. Which probably did not help my case seeing as I was in the psych ward of a hospital in the suicide watch room!<br /><br />I sat in that discolored white room for about three hours in total. During that time, everything I did was analyzed by my psychology degree and my brain told me to cut it out. If I picked my nails, I had OCD. If I put my head down, the voices were talking to me. If I scratched my head, another personality was emerging. If I relaxed in the chair, I wasn't taking my situation seriously and must obviously be suicidal. If I tried talking to the nurses, I was schizotypal. He he he, it was very amusing actually. So the moral of the story is, don't major in psychology. It ruins lives! :P<br /><br />I did the usual hospital stuff: I peed in a cup, answered questionnaires, and gave blood. Have I ever told you how much I hate needles? Ya, it's not quite a phobia but there is definite anxiety around those things.<br /><br />A doctor came in after I was waiting for about an hour and a half and asked me a few questions. I told him about my previous plans and that I was going in to see a therapist and see a psychiatrist. He was very polite and told me it sounded like things were blown out of proportion and asked me if I needed anything. I was starving. I hadn't eaten since lunch. So he said he'd get me some food.<br /><br />Liar! The food never came...<br /><br />But at least by this point the nurses knew I wasn't completely insane. They began talking to me little by little. One even asked what he could get for me. I said food. It never came.<br /><br />Oh will the lies never end?!<br /><br />Later on, I had a social worker pop her head in and tell me my mum had called. Crap! Not my mother! She's been through so much in her life I hated to give her more stress. I told the social worker I was worried about her.<br /><br />And she jumped on that like Oprah on a honey-baked ham! She instantly pulled out her notebook and said, "oh really? Why are you so concerned about your mother? What's going on between you two?" Bother... Apparently I'm not allowed to have human emotions of worry either without them being connected to some Oedipal complex embedded deep in my psyche.<br /><br />She left. A while later, a different social worker came to talk with me. I wish I could describe how she talked to me. It was as if I was five years old with a hearing problem. You know in movies, if someone doesn't speak English, people around them speak really slowly and loudly? That's what she did. I hid my smile as best I could.<br /><br />Then my mum walked in. She was perfectly calm. No tears, no puffy eyes, no runny mascara. All was well. My dear mother attested to my mental stability and I was soon discharged.<br /><br />I laughed the majority of the way home. My mum did too. The whole ordeal sounded like some twisted version of a B-Movie gone horribly wrong.<br /><br />And so, I'm ok, dear reader. I am annoyed beyond all reason because my entire extended family knows about the situation, but not from my perspective.<br /><br />So I wrote this post. I hope you have laughed, or at least smile at the irony of placing a psychology major in a psych ward. I took excellent field notes, don't worry. And there were some *very* interesting people I heard/saw while I was there. Let's just leave it at that.<br /><br />Now, however, I am a bit stuck. I'm sure my bill will be coming in the mail soon. That'll be fun to pay for! And I have my entire extended family to reassure along with some of my friends who still, for some bizarre reason and against all the opinions of the social workers and doctors that I saw, think I want to hurt myself. I don't! Bah!<br /><br />As for my concerned friend who made all this possible? I'm not sure how to feel about him. I'd like to let you all know though that if a person: 1. Doesn't have a suicide plan, 2. Doesn't have a history of suicide, 3. Has made a promise of safety to friends, 4. Has made immediate steps to remedy the depressed mood, and 5. Is no longer hysterical on the phone, they are most likely not going to attempt suicide.<br /><br />I am not saying this out of malice or anger. It's more simply out of what you should know. Do I think my friend made the right decision in calling the cops? Hell to the no! *snaps the z* But do I believe he was feeling malicious and wanted to put me through that? Not at all.<br /><br />He cared for me. A lot, so it seems. Maybe a bit too much ;)<br /><br />Ahem...so, I am alive and well with a medical bracelet as a souvenir for my trip to the ER. Hope you enjoyed the read.<br /><br />P.S. This is not just based on a true story. This actually happened!Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-29414445287145661852010-09-05T22:50:00.004-06:002010-09-05T23:18:35.881-06:00Questions without AnswersMaybe writing will help me figure this all out. I honestly don't know.<br /><br />I came to a decision today. I was planning on locking myself in my room, only venturing out for food and to go to work. Honestly, it would solve a lot of the issues I seem to be having. And I seem to have about the same impact on people's live whether or not I am actually involved in their lives.<br /><br />It just, doesn't seem to matter. I went to church today and was once again recognized by no one. I've been going to that same ward since March.<br /><br />I attempted to contact a friend today who seemed to be having some issues. He didn't answer the phone and, in my opinion, quite rudely stated that he was perfectly fine with the things he'd previously complained about. The message I took home from that: bug off.<br /><br />So why is it that I try so hard? Why do I put myself through so much agony caring what other people think about me? Why do I constantly seek to help people, which a lot of the time ends up blowing up in my face?<br /><br />I don't know.<br /><br />I had a wonderful phone call the other day. What was the thing that made it so wonderful? I felt useful and needed. A friend called at the beginning of a mental breakdown. I could barely understand her with how much she was crying. But I instantly turned into my silly, optimistic self, and helped her. I laughed, I commented, I made insightful remarks, and I talked about almost nothing at all. By the end of the conversation, she was feeling much better. I was glad I was of use to someone.<br /><br />To be trusted in a situation like that is a rare jewel for me. Well, I do encounter it often at work but that's a different scenario. To have a friend who is in a seemingly terrifying situation pick up the phone and call you is a great trust and a privilege. I was honored to be among her chosen friends to accept such a phone call.<br /><br />So what else happened to me today? I had a talk with my ex again. This wasn't in an effort to be boyfriends again or anything. He saw that I was bothered by something so we went outside and talked. And I quickly shut down. All I can remember is hearing my own thoughts ringing in my ears saying, "this is why you're not good enough...nobody really cares about you...why does he even bother with you...you'll never amount to anything..." and all sorts of other wonderful things.<br /><br />I've come to the realization that a lot of my behavior is based on feelings of shame. I am ashamed of who I am.<br /><br />That statement leads to hundreds of automatic assumptions about myself and the world around me. Some of them are: I will never be good enough; I have to be liked by everyone; I must be the best or else people won't like me; I cannot be open about my feelings--they are stupid; my ideas are not of value; I am not of value and finally that the world would be better had I never come into it.<br /><br />This is a lot to handle. And honestly, I've only told some very few, and select individuals to know about my shame-based beliefs. I am scared to death that sharing these will drive people away. In an effort to own up more to who I am and what I want, I am willing to take that risk, and share these feelings with you.<br /><br />I'm an expert at pushing people away. Well...maybe just in my head I think I am. I push back when people help, I ignore people, I pick petty fights, and I shut myself down.<br /><br />But why would I do that when I'm feeling so lonely?<br /><br />Well, luckily for me, I have a twisted enough mind to think that if people *really* care about me, they'll fight through it all. They'll push and shove and kick and scream and take my pushing back until they reach me. Then, I will know they care.<br /><br />Holy crap I'm such a freak! What a stupid way to go about living life! Isn't the fix obvious? If you want people to care about you, open up and stop being so dramatic. <br /><br />Sometimes that's how I talk to myself. I know in my brain what I should do. My therapist and I even talk at great lengths about how much I know. When in therapy, she tells me how calmly I analyze situations and know just the right answer she wants to hear. Problem is that I know the answers, I just have no clue as how to apply them. I am at a total loss.<br /><br />I seek attention, yet shirk away when it's given. I yearn to be understood but when confronted I shut down. I long for a connection with someone and don't let them in.<br /><br />And this is all so engrained in me that I feel like there is no way out! Yes, I know what you'll say: "things will get better, keep trying, take one thing at a time, sleep on it" and countless other things people say. The only problem is that those sayings just don't work. I know, hate to burst your bubble.<br /><br />It's like when my brother died, people would say how sorry they were for me or how they felt for me. Empty words. What I valued the most was when people said, "I have no idea what you're going through. I only wish to help." Wow...thank you for being honest!<br /><br />Some people are afraid of saying, "I don't feel well-equipped enough to try and give you advice on what you're going through. But I'm here to listen and empathize." Don't sympathize for people, they'll get no comfort from it and probably won't trust you. Empathize. Put yourself in another person's shoes. Sit and feel what they're feeling. A great joy of mine is when people visit me when I'm sad, and just sit and let me take my time in opening up. It feels more real.<br /><br />So I know all of this. Or at least I think I'm smart and know all of this. Truth is, looking back at what I wrote, I don't sound smart at all. I sound like a total psychopath who might be stepping towards the edge of Borderline Personality Disorder.<br /><br />It's a bit overwhelming and a bit heartbreaking. I've worked so hard and have so far to go. Ya, I know it's a lifelong process. That doesn't make it any easier for me right now.<br /><br />So to where do I go? Do I attempt to keep fighting? Do I trust those who have voiced concerns and actually BELIEVE them when they tell me they care about me? Do I keep doing what I'm doing? Do I shut myself off from the world? Do I move and start over completely?<br /><br />And how do I find myself? How do I change this awful monster that seems to consume my mind? How do I know what I really want? Will there be some satisfaction down the road to let me know that I have been doing well?<br /><br />Questions I may never find an answer to.Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87252296515738310.post-51479235402190385762010-08-12T16:15:00.001-06:002010-08-13T01:20:40.181-06:00The CenterI thought it'd be prudent for me to share my experiences at the residential treatment center I used to work at. This stems mostly from some side comments I get from people when I tell them that I quit because of the stress. They seem shocked that a residential treatment center would cause enough stress for someone to quit and not just "hang on" and wait it out.<br /><br />My first official shift went fairly well. I was getting the hang of the rules and was asked to sit and watch a girl in the time out room. I dutifully took my post outside the room. I could see the scars on her arms where fresh wounds had been ripped open by her fingernails. The blood was all up and down. She asked to use the restroom which was perfectly in her right so I let her. Then after a few minutes I called into the bathroom. No answer. Again and again I called but still no answer. I called on the radio for help and my coworker and I opened the door to find her huddled in the corner ripping out huge pieces of her hair. She attacked us and was put into a restraint. I held her in a corner with the help of my coworker while she kicked and screamed and bit until the shot given to her in the butt finally took effect. Great first shift.<br /><br />I was assigned to the younger boys unit. Only problem was that these "younger boys" were mostly bigger than I was. And this kid was no different. His mood fluctuated like no other and he constantly had the look from the crocodile from Peter Pan glued to his face. While he looked comical, he was not to be messed with. After throwing a temper tantrum in class, and upon return to the unit, I went to the whiteboard to change his level and for him to lose his privileges. He dared me to change it. I tried reasoning with him and reached out to change the board. Next thing I knew I was on the floor with a terrible pain in my head and him being taken to a time out room. My coworkers emerged with cuts to their faces and bruises on their bodies from the restraint. I was left shaken but otherwise relatively in-tact.<br /><br />Whoever said that words will never hurt you is a complete moron. Yes, sticks and stones can break bones but guess what? Words, and endless harassment and taunting can create severe psychological deficits in the form of social skills which lead to unhealthy relationships which unfortunately continues to spiral. I have never been called "fag" until I worked at the treatment center. To walk down the halls was to hear countless whisperings of gay, fag, queer and other words I care not to repeat. To think that I was investing myself to help these kids and to hear that they had absolutely no respect for me was, to say the least, very discouraging.<br /><br />I transferred to the girls unit. A few days later, riots broke out in both boys units. The police were called in and several arrests were made. The boys unit continued to tank from that point on.<br /><br />At first the girls unit was a lot better. And overall, it was an excellent decision. I felt safer physically, felt like I could joke around more with the girls, and felt more at ease in conversation. That was until the honeymoon period was over. Anytime there is a new staff or a new girl, things tend to run smooth for about two weeks or less. Then, they begin to act like they normally did.<br /><br />In the hallway between classes, the staff were watching over the kids and a few were talking towards the end of the hall. On the way back from the bathroom, one of the girls decided to jump and attack a staff. This resulted in the staff being taken to a hospital, complete chaos as girls began to fight other girls, and other girls fighting other staff. Our staff never returned to that unit. Why did this resident attack this particular staff member? Because she just didn't like her.<br /><br />In the cafeteria, a knife restriction was placed on the girls for self-harm reasons. There were too many instances of girls taking the plastic knives to change them into shanks or to use to cut themselves with. A girl ran for the knives, she broke through staff, took the knife, broke it on the floor to make it even sharper, and began stabbing herself in the arm. I have never seen anyone take an object and with no care of their own well being, plunge it into their own skin over and over and over. I was shaken and felt like throwing up.<br /><br />These are only a few instances of some of the things I encountered at this center. If you still believe I should've toughed it out well...you go give it a shot. We'll see who lasts longer. I could only take five months. And what happened on my last day you ask?<br /><br />I cried. I had not cried that long, especially in front of people I didn't know very well, in a very long time. My heart was broken because these girls had promise. They had been given opportunity after opportunity and they were literally throwing their lives away. I wanted them to succeed. I wanted them to take advantage of the therapy offered and of the caring staff that had stuck with them for years and get out of that awful place! But, there is no way to force someone to change. Even if it is for their best interest.<br /><br />Although I have concentrated mostly on the negative to give you an appreciation as to the struggles that those in the mental health field endure, there were positive things as well. I built real relationships with some of these kids. Relationships that I realized would change their lives for the better. For some of those girls, losing me was very difficult. And they told me how much I had changed them and how much they appreciated me. It was gut-wrenching to leave those that I cared so much about, just because some would never learn that violence solves nothing and real change can only come from within.<br /><br />I value the lessons I learned from that center. I learned that being invested in people is a worthy goal. I learned that life completely sucks, but that there are people that make it all worth it. I learned the meaning of loving someone no matter how stupid their choices were. <br /><br />And I learned what a difference it makes in a person's life when you can look them in the eye after they hurt you and say, "I forgive you."Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14622866136945257976noreply@blogger.com4