Friday, October 30, 2009

Just Don't Leave

I've wanted to talk about this for a little while actually. Someone very close to me has had some interesting experiences that I'd like to talk about. Let's just call this individual Jay. Jay had grown up in the Church, gone on a mission, and was living a seemingly normal LDS life when, after much meditation and thought, he decided to leave the Church.

This did come as a surprise to me and Jay's family but still, Jay was my friend. I knew Jay had thought his decision through and was choosing something that he thinks is best for him. I fully support him in his decision, as long as what he is choosing is what he really wants and is making him happy. Now, I come to my next point.

Some of Jay's friends are real jerks. Jay has told me how they have treated him and it has absolutely disgusted me. Keep in mind that his friends are LDS who consider themselves "Christians" and profess to live as Christ had lived. Some of them have called Jay evil, misguided, or lost. Some have even gone so far as to cut off ties with Jay.

I am not a stranger to this occurrence. A "friend" of mine told me she could no longer be my friend because I was gay. She told me that I made her feel dark inside. Now, she only started feeling "dark" inside after I told her I was gay...and her bishop also suggested she not hang out with me because I was a bad influence. Ya bishop, you're right, gays recruit other normal people and turn them gay.

So anyway, I don't think it's appropriate for people to treat anyone like Jay has been treated. If you claim to be Christian, why don't you show some Christian love and love him no matter what?! According to your beliefs, he is a child of God, so why are you treating him as if he is a child of Satan?

In my mind, if someone were to fall away from the Church, I would feel more compassion for that individual. They have just lost a huge support system in their lives and will need helping hands to rebuild their shattered lives. It seems to me that people in our faith are really nice to investigators, and people that are still a part of the church. But as soon as those people turn their backs on the church, the once seemingly nice people turn horrible and attack the "non-believer".

I know it is a little difficult to see things from another persons point of view, but that's one of the wonderful challenges of life! We should revel in the opportunity to learn new perspectives and broaden our horizons! I'm not trying to say that I'm a master at this, but I try to be understanding and non-judgmental. We are all human and just trying to make it through this life as best we can. Who am I to judge something that may work for you even if it didn't work for me? I can't. That's just not right.

For the most part, my "coming out" journey has been relatively easy. People haven't attacked me for what I've done or ridiculed least not to my face. I sometimes wonder if I had decided to leave the church, if my experience would be similar to Jays...

To all you Jays out there, your true friends are there for you. They may be hidden in the shadows or may be people you haven't contacted for a while. You will be heard and you will be understood. To those of you who attack the Jays, you will be judged just as harshly at the last day as you judged those around you.

A Relationship?

So I've been tearing myself apart lately thinking about what a relationship is supposed to look like. Whenever I walk around outside, I see happy heterosexual couples enjoying each others company. I see smiles, warmth, and intimacy expressed in their actions and words. I long for what they share together. Is it even possible for me to have a relationship like that, whether it be heterosexual or homosexual?

I have always been confused as to what love is supposed to feel like. Is it supposed to feel like a yearning to be with someone? What about just wanting to be in the same room and talk? Is it supposed to make your heart hurt or make you feel like your skeleton is gonna jump out of your skin? Or is it a calm feeling of peace, comfort, and a general understanding and feeling of belonging?

I know right? Too many questions! The reason I write this is to vent some of my frustrations. I don't feel like I know what to do anymore. When I try and think of myself in a romantic relationship with a women, I get really weirded out. When I think of myself in a romantic relationship with a man, I also get really weirded out. Am I consigning myself to a life of loneliness here? How am I supposed to feel physically intimate with someone when I am uncomfortable in either situation? I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do.

It's hard to tell people about how I'm feeling because most don't have this problem. People who have same-gender attractions seem to have picked a side of the fence, and gone for it. Neither side of the fence feels good. I hate that the thought of me being happy with a man fills me with horror and guilt. I hate that the idea of me being happy with a woman fills me with discomfort and shame.

I wish it was possible for me to be physically intimate with someone. I'm not meaning intimate as "sex" here. I mean it as just cuddling and being close. I wish there was someone that I was ridiculously attracted to, and they were attracted to me. From my experience, people find you attractive until they get what they want from you. Then you're just another tool they used for their happiness.

I dunno if this has made sense at all but it's just how I'm feeling and it's been a while since I've written...

Thursday, October 1, 2009


No one is an island.
We are all connected.
But what if there's a wall,
Which makes you feel rejected?

This brick was from that fight,
That cost you a dear friend.
While this ones for that pet that died,
When life seemed at an end.

The moat is filled with tears,
Of the most bitter kind.
Tears that seem to swim their way,
Until you've but gone blind.

The guards are at the door,
To keep you from harms way.
But there's another thing that can't get in,
That you'd really wish would stay.

People really love you,
Or so they seem to say.
But your guards have fought it back,
And kept that love at bay.

Now you sit alone,
With nothing coming in.
People climbing up the walls,
In the hopes to raise your chin.

Sure there's lots of tears,
Enough to fill that moat.
But there's more happiness and joy,
To keep you safe afloat.

As you've probably guessed it,
It's time to destroy those walls.
It's time to take life as it comes,
The highest peaks and falls.

But how do you destroy,
What has taken years to build?
Something so massive and vile,
That's left you unfulfilled.

Will you do me a favor,
As soon as you find out?
Come rescue me from my castle,
I've lost the strength to shout.