Friday, October 30, 2009

A Relationship?

So I've been tearing myself apart lately thinking about what a relationship is supposed to look like. Whenever I walk around outside, I see happy heterosexual couples enjoying each others company. I see smiles, warmth, and intimacy expressed in their actions and words. I long for what they share together. Is it even possible for me to have a relationship like that, whether it be heterosexual or homosexual?

I have always been confused as to what love is supposed to feel like. Is it supposed to feel like a yearning to be with someone? What about just wanting to be in the same room and talk? Is it supposed to make your heart hurt or make you feel like your skeleton is gonna jump out of your skin? Or is it a calm feeling of peace, comfort, and a general understanding and feeling of belonging?

I know right? Too many questions! The reason I write this is to vent some of my frustrations. I don't feel like I know what to do anymore. When I try and think of myself in a romantic relationship with a women, I get really weirded out. When I think of myself in a romantic relationship with a man, I also get really weirded out. Am I consigning myself to a life of loneliness here? How am I supposed to feel physically intimate with someone when I am uncomfortable in either situation? I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do.

It's hard to tell people about how I'm feeling because most don't have this problem. People who have same-gender attractions seem to have picked a side of the fence, and gone for it. Neither side of the fence feels good. I hate that the thought of me being happy with a man fills me with horror and guilt. I hate that the idea of me being happy with a woman fills me with discomfort and shame.

I wish it was possible for me to be physically intimate with someone. I'm not meaning intimate as "sex" here. I mean it as just cuddling and being close. I wish there was someone that I was ridiculously attracted to, and they were attracted to me. From my experience, people find you attractive until they get what they want from you. Then you're just another tool they used for their happiness.

I dunno if this has made sense at all but it's just how I'm feeling and it's been a while since I've written...


  1. Love feels like all of those things and more, Stephen. And I'm sure you'll find Mr. Right. Don't worry about a thing--love comes when you least expect it, blindsiding you when you aren't looking.


  2. To me, love is less of an emotion and more of a decision. I like spending time with a lot of people, which I guess is a type of love. But true love would be deciding that I will stay with her no matter what happens, no matter who else comes along. Even if somebody better comes along.

  3. I really do hope you find out what you want and need and remember your friends are here. Like you told me "You're not Leaning hard enough" Lean more on us that's what we are here for.
    Love you

  4. Yes, love is all those things and more. I too see heterosexual couples and wish/hope I could have the same thing someday.

    I have also been with some guys that I thought was love but turned out it wasn't. All they wanted was one thing and when I gave it to them they were gone. I don't like it when that happens.

  5. I like that second comment. Love really isn't all that mysterious. You love your family and I suspect you love the majority of your friends. I suppose the only real differences between that and romantic love are the decision to stick with one person no matter what and the physical component that cements the intimacy further. Other than that, it really is the same old wonderful love that you are already perfectly familiar with.

  6. Steve-o,
    I know that it seems like lots of us have chosen sides of the fence, but I think that the truly happy ones enjoy the benefits of both sides. They have a relationship with God and with a partner. It is possible, even within Mormonism.

  7. I'm not sure what I can say to help, but I can offer my own experience: When I'm around someone I love, I feel most like myself. I don't step into different personas of "comedian lis" or "cute lis" or "sexy lis." I can just be "lis." Me. Russ is the only one who sees me as for who I am and who I can become. He loves me for it.

    Whatever side of the fence you decide to land on, I hope someone there is able to find you and love you for the beautiful person you are.