So I've been tearing myself apart lately thinking about what a relationship is supposed to look like. Whenever I walk around outside, I see happy heterosexual couples enjoying each others company. I see smiles, warmth, and intimacy expressed in their actions and words. I long for what they share together. Is it even possible for me to have a relationship like that, whether it be heterosexual or homosexual?
I have always been confused as to what love is supposed to feel like. Is it supposed to feel like a yearning to be with someone? What about just wanting to be in the same room and talk? Is it supposed to make your heart hurt or make you feel like your skeleton is gonna jump out of your skin? Or is it a calm feeling of peace, comfort, and a general understanding and feeling of belonging?
I know right? Too many questions! The reason I write this is to vent some of my frustrations. I don't feel like I know what to do anymore. When I try and think of myself in a romantic relationship with a women, I get really weirded out. When I think of myself in a romantic relationship with a man, I also get really weirded out. Am I consigning myself to a life of loneliness here? How am I supposed to feel physically intimate with someone when I am uncomfortable in either situation? I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do.
It's hard to tell people about how I'm feeling because most don't have this problem. People who have same-gender attractions seem to have picked a side of the fence, and gone for it. Neither side of the fence feels good. I hate that the thought of me being happy with a man fills me with horror and guilt. I hate that the idea of me being happy with a woman fills me with discomfort and shame.
I wish it was possible for me to be physically intimate with someone. I'm not meaning intimate as "sex" here. I mean it as just cuddling and being close. I wish there was someone that I was ridiculously attracted to, and they were attracted to me. From my experience, people find you attractive until they get what they want from you. Then you're just another tool they used for their happiness.
I dunno if this has made sense at all but it's just how I'm feeling and it's been a while since I've written...