Be The Change

For some reason I can't seem to get the lyrics, "Do you know what it feels like for a girl, in this world?" out of my head. It's definitely an interesting way to wake up! Especially considering that I am not a girl. Although I am close. My mother, after all, was hoping that I'd be a girl. So this is what happened! So the moral of the story is, be careful what you wish for.

And no that is not the end of my blog post. Although I do think it would be funny to write a blog post that was so short, sweet, and utterly profound. Maybe after this one.

I changed my passwords last night. Have you ever stopped to think about how many accounts you have online that require a password? Not to mention computers, work computers, and even phones! It took me about an hour, and I don't think I have changed all my passwords yet. I went from using 17 characters and cut it down to 12 seriously ridiculous characters. But let me tell you why.

I feel like I've made a discovery lately. Perhaps not anything profound or nobel-prize worthy, although I think my life in general is worth a nobel-prize, but more of just simple satisfaction with what my life could one day be.

I'm not sure who said the quote, or something similar to this, "Be the change you wish to see in others". But it has really inspired me lately. Oh! And a quick google search turned up that Ghandi said it. Well, I am glad that one of my new mantras comes from such an incredible man.

A while ago, I wrote a post about work, where the kids wouldn't swear as much around me as they usually do, just because I didn't swear. But I've come to realize that this example setting reaches far beyond clean language.

I have a lot of friends. And some are closer than others. However, I am fiercely loyal with my friends. Even those who I have only recently met know that I will do my best to help them in whatever way I can. In return, they are just as fiercely loyal with me and will come to my aid with cupcakes, hugs, and listening ears. Ya that's right, I'm a big softy and all I need is that to survive.

So what of it? Why is it so important that I change first? Well, think about it. Have you ever, and I know you have, had that one friend or psuedo-friend that was always trying to change and/or fix you? They may have done it in very loving, or sometimes very not-so-loving ways. But they wanted you to be happy (the mom from Tangled singing, "Mother Knows Best" comes to mind).

But it didn't work did it...? They're nagging words and scornful gaze, or even loving intrigues and hope and prayers weren't enough. Well, we do have this instinct to fight change. What's the first thing you want to do when someone tells you to do something? Say no! Or maybe I'm just speaking from personal experience here and I'm way more of a heathen than I thought.

If you yourself are changing, people pick up on that. This allows them to choose for themselves whether or not they want to change. For the most part, it seems that humanity is on a quest to better themselves and their lives. So if you provide the example of how they *could* change, you are giving them new ideas, inspiration, and conviction to make changes for themselves. And, as I'm sure you are aware, the psychological benefits of internal conviction and motivation far outweigh outside rewards and punishments.

I have been a lot happier lately. I've worked on avoiding passive-aggressive facebook statuses, whiny poetry, sulking moods, and other negative stuff. Wow I just realized how much of a handful I am! Kudos to those of you who can handle this mess of emotions with the name Steven!

These are things that I've worked on for a while. As I've mentioned in a lot of posts, I struggle with a lot of shame-based behaviors, reactions, and motivations. But I am getting better! I find that really sticking to my convictions and being confident in who I am as a person helps greatly. And I've began to notice a change in people's reactions towards me.

I come off as friendlier, kinder, more gentle, fun, humorous, stable and confident. I've noticed more friends come into my life, past acquaintances re-emerge, and my current relationships become more strong and fulfilling. All these are good things!

And it's because I've had the internal motivation to change. I've pushed myself further than I'm used to and it's been fantastic!

But what gave me the motivation? Well, it was the example of someone very close to me.

He is the change he wishes to see in others. He does nothing but love and support his friends and loved-ones. He is an incredible example to me of someone who has true and pure love. He inspires me daily to be a little better, to push a little harder, and to try just *one* more time. He is one of many. There are tons of people in my life who really inspire me. He's just the one that I can't get out of my head!

So I am passing this message a long to you. Oh, and why did I change all my passwords? To give me a phrase to remind myself every day of my desire to be the change I wish to see in others.

Two Years Later

Holy crapola!  Yesterday was the two year anniversary of me coming out publicly. But I guess if you've been living under a rock for two years, surprise! I'm gay!  In honor of that day, I re-read my coming out post and wrote this blog entry.

I stand by my statement saying that I still do not prowl the streets looking for unsuspecting gays to pounce on.  I'm much too charming to need to do a thing like that.

I did notice, however, that in my initial blog post, I had made the decision not to date.  This might sound shocking to some because as most of you know, I do date.  I think the thing that has changed the most in me since coming out publicly that first time, is my stance on my feelings of homosexuality.

All my life I have been ingrained with the idea that anything that is good comes from God, and anything that is evil comes from Satan.  And I still believe that to be true.  Some may think that my up-coming reasoning is wrong because I've been brainwashed, or I'm just justifying myself, but I believe it to be true.  During my dating experience, I have upheld my standards as best I could.  I have tried my best to be a good date, to be chivalrous, to be polite, respectful, honest, and kind.  I have dated the way I would hope that any upstanding person would date.

I have had some incredible experiences.  I've had some incredible dates, and others that I feel so uncomfortable, I want to throw myself out the nearest window.  But that just comes with dating and it has been an experience for the betterment of myself.  

During my dates, I have never felt evil, sadistic, brainwashed or simply wrong.  I have felt comfort, peace, at one with myself, and a greater love for myself and the person I'm with.  I think these feelings are good, and thus come from God.  How could something that makes me so happy, and makes me feel so good, be wrong (insert some comments from skeptics about how I've been mislead)?

My last two years have been interesting for sure.  The first year was mostly me working on myself, and accepting myself for who I was in the moment, so that I wouldn't be a total basket-case when I started dating.

Then I got my first boyfriend.  He taught me a lot and we had great times for sure.  He taught me how to be honest about my feelings, how to compromise, and many other wonderful lessons.  Since it was my first breakup, it was definitely difficult, but I'm glad that he felt honest enough with me to end things when he wasn't comfortable anymore.  I would never want to force anyone into something they weren't comfortable with.

Then I was single for a while.  After a while, and after I had adjusted to just dating for fun, I got involved in my second relationship.  We also had great times.  We did activities together that I didn't have the opportunity to with other guys.  He liked plays, the symphony, dances, ballet, and lots of other things that I love.  After three months, I broke up with him.  I dedicated a blog post just to him, and I think about, and worry about him a lot.  He seems happy, and I truly hope he is.  I felt like breaking up with him was the right thing to do.  And it was his first real breakup so I know I really hurt him--which hurts me too.

Here I am, two years later.  I would say overall I'm a much happier and healthier person.  I am more myself, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and have grown more understanding and accepting of other people.  I respect people more and appreciate their hardships and what they can teach me.  I also appreciate my own hardships more.

In fact, looking back when I first came out publicly, my parents were less than pleased.  They felt that coming out was a private matter that needed to be kept in the family and I had just blabbed all over facebook that I was gay.  The horror!  But now, my parents are completely supportive of me and my decision.  I talk to my mum and nanna about who I am dating and what we did.  They get excited for me and encourage me to live the best life I can.  I'm still a good person and need to stick to my morals.  My brother encourages me to keep an open mind, reach out to new people, enjoy the company of others, and become more comfortable with myself.  My father helps me discuss deeper issues such as where I fit in in this life, where my life may go, and the occasional excitement about a date.  I love my family more than anything and I am *so* grateful that they are so supportive.  I never could've made it this far without them.

I am no longer attending the LDS church meetings.  I respect the church, I respect what they do for some people, and I cannot fully participate in the church and be true to myself.  They are mutually exclusive.  Although I pray that one day the church will change, I highly doubt it will.  I am comfortable in living my life the best I can with what I have, not abandoning who I was, sticking to my morals, and just being happy.  I do still pray and find myself connecting to God in different ways--through music, love of friends, wholesome activities, and family.

Now then, I have left the best for last.  I have met someone.  And yes I meet lots of people all the time but he is different.  The instant I saw him, my jaw dropped.  I did my best to hide such a foolish gesture.  He and I chatted, fairly easily might I add, and I asked him out on a date.  He was so sweet on the date, very chivalrous, kind-hearted, loving, and a great conversationalist.  After dinner, we headed into the mountains to go on a hike.  It was splendid to be in such a beautiful area with such a beautiful guy, inside and out.  We have seen each other every week since, and love spending time together.  I have never been happier to be with someone.  Anytime I get a text, I swoon.  When I speak to him every night, there's constantly a huge smile on my face.  And anyone within ear shot has to hear about my cheesy middle-school romance that I seem to be in.  I think it's wonderful!  I am elated and haven't been this happy in a very long time.

He tells me he feels the same.  He is helping me gain the confidence I am so lacking at times.  He compliments me, and I him.  We talk about everything and I do my best to help him feel as comfortable as possible in his own skin.  He makes me feel like a million dollars!  I feel like I can be completely myself with him, and he says the same about me.

We are taking things one day at a time, and slow.  I do not feel a need to rush.  I am comfortable where we are.

Now then, I leave you with how I feel about myself this morning.  I hope to remind myself about these positive qualities if I feel down.  I can change my outlook on life and myself.

I am generous, loving, silly, have a nice smile, I dress well, I'm smart, I know how to help people, I'm successful, I'm dedicated, I'm compassionate, I'm spontaneous, I'm sweet, I'm thoughtful, I'm random, I'm goofy, I'm talented, I'm handsome, I'm considerate, I'm frugal, I'm ambitious, I'm passionate, and above all, I am me.

Here's to another year!  Cheers!

So What Happened...?

We broke up.  Since he is not all the way out, I will refrain from naming him.  If you did not get the chance to meet him, he was an incredible individual.  He was probably more than I deserved.

A million thoughts were running through my head yesterday and last night when I told him we couldn't be together anymore.  Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  I feel absolutely terrible about the pain that I have caused.  It is not in my nature to hurt people or make them sad.  So it killed me to see him take it so hard.  I did everything I could to apologize and make it easier for him but breakups are never easy.  I broke his heart.

I wish there was a way to help him understand that the reason I wanted to end things was mostly coming from myself.  The relationship was bringing up issues in myself that I felt needed to be solved before I could be a healthy and stable individual.  He thought I was breaking up with him because of his issues.  But that's not the case.  I did what I thought was best to take care of myself and my personal growth.  And I didn't think it would be fair to him to deal with only a partially complete person.  He deserves someone whole and wonderful.

I have a fear of being alone.  It's almost like a phobia.  I think of my life ahead of me and the thought of being alone through it all scares me to death.  Some people are more wired to be monogamous and others to just have friends and still others to have multiple partners.  I dream of the day when I marry the man of my dreams; when I buy a house, start a new life, and make a family with the man I love.

One hard thing about living in Utah, or maybe just growing up LDS, is that this fear of being alone is instilled in us.  Maybe not purposely but it seems like everyone I talk to has the same goal: get married, and have a family and live happily ever after.  Even though I have stepped back from the LDS church, I still have similar beliefs and values.  And maybe that drive for marriage has come from the church or somewhere else.  I really don't know.

So, back to my issues.  I feel like I jumped into this relationship because of my fear of being alone.  I was hesitant to start a relationship at first but here was this wonderful guy, and I thought I'd work it out.

I am now even more firm in my belief that a real, lasting relationship takes two complete individuals.  To rely on someone else to make you whole is putting way too much pressure on the other individual, and you don't grow.  You actually stunt your growth by doing that.  I want to learn how to be more independent, rather than codependent.

I'll admit it.  When people tell me something that leaves room to read between the lines, I assume the worst.  It's a terrible trait I have and I wish I could get rid of it!  It leads to unnecessary arguments and clarifications.  I found myself even doing it with the man I loved.  That wasn't fair to him.  He gave me his heart and that should've been enough for me to realize that I could see him in the most positive light.  He had my best intentions at heart.  But I couldn't see that.

These next few days are going to be tough.  I've already broken down and cried twice at work which is awkward with teenagers running around everywhere.  Thankfully, I do have wonderful friends who have been very supportive.  I ask those of my friends who knew my boyfriend to please reach out to him too.  He needs your help more than I do.

All things balance themselves out in the end.  At least I hope they do.  I learned so much from my relationship.  While I was driving to work this morning I couldn't stop thinking about all the good times, and hard times that I was helped through.  And not to mention how I have grown because of the experience.  I don't believe any experience is wasted until we choose not to learn anything from it.

So last night, I sat him down and got my feelings out in the open.  It was a relief, and incredibly difficult at the same time.  We differ on how we view some aspects of relationships.  That wasn't the breaking point.  One of the biggest reasons I decided to end it was because he deserves to have everything he wants from a guy, without having to compromise.  He deserves a guy who is as loving, caring, kind, generous, happy, fun, spontaneous, and just wonderful as he is.

I am a good person.  I did my best with what I thought was right, and even though I hurt someone, I hope it is for the better for the both of us.  I honestly wish him all the happiness in the world.  And I pray that he will one day be my friend.  I will always and forever love him and cherish the time we shared.  He touched my life, he touched my friend's lives, and my family has already told me how they are going to miss him too.

For now, I am going to take a break from dating.  It's time for me to work on me.  I am going to get to a point where I am a happy, completely whole individual.  Maybe then it'll be a good time to start dating.  And I'm gonna make more friends too!  I don't think that the first time I hang with a gay guy means it's a date.  I am going to step out of my comfort zone and just hang out with good guys.  Maybe down the road something will come of it, but for now, it's just me making some good, new friends.  I can always use good influences in my life.