Thursday, May 19, 2011

So What Happened...?

We broke up.  Since he is not all the way out, I will refrain from naming him.  If you did not get the chance to meet him, he was an incredible individual.  He was probably more than I deserved.

A million thoughts were running through my head yesterday and last night when I told him we couldn't be together anymore.  Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  I feel absolutely terrible about the pain that I have caused.  It is not in my nature to hurt people or make them sad.  So it killed me to see him take it so hard.  I did everything I could to apologize and make it easier for him but breakups are never easy.  I broke his heart.

I wish there was a way to help him understand that the reason I wanted to end things was mostly coming from myself.  The relationship was bringing up issues in myself that I felt needed to be solved before I could be a healthy and stable individual.  He thought I was breaking up with him because of his issues.  But that's not the case.  I did what I thought was best to take care of myself and my personal growth.  And I didn't think it would be fair to him to deal with only a partially complete person.  He deserves someone whole and wonderful.

I have a fear of being alone.  It's almost like a phobia.  I think of my life ahead of me and the thought of being alone through it all scares me to death.  Some people are more wired to be monogamous and others to just have friends and still others to have multiple partners.  I dream of the day when I marry the man of my dreams; when I buy a house, start a new life, and make a family with the man I love.

One hard thing about living in Utah, or maybe just growing up LDS, is that this fear of being alone is instilled in us.  Maybe not purposely but it seems like everyone I talk to has the same goal: get married, and have a family and live happily ever after.  Even though I have stepped back from the LDS church, I still have similar beliefs and values.  And maybe that drive for marriage has come from the church or somewhere else.  I really don't know.

So, back to my issues.  I feel like I jumped into this relationship because of my fear of being alone.  I was hesitant to start a relationship at first but here was this wonderful guy, and I thought I'd work it out.

I am now even more firm in my belief that a real, lasting relationship takes two complete individuals.  To rely on someone else to make you whole is putting way too much pressure on the other individual, and you don't grow.  You actually stunt your growth by doing that.  I want to learn how to be more independent, rather than codependent.

I'll admit it.  When people tell me something that leaves room to read between the lines, I assume the worst.  It's a terrible trait I have and I wish I could get rid of it!  It leads to unnecessary arguments and clarifications.  I found myself even doing it with the man I loved.  That wasn't fair to him.  He gave me his heart and that should've been enough for me to realize that I could see him in the most positive light.  He had my best intentions at heart.  But I couldn't see that.

These next few days are going to be tough.  I've already broken down and cried twice at work which is awkward with teenagers running around everywhere.  Thankfully, I do have wonderful friends who have been very supportive.  I ask those of my friends who knew my boyfriend to please reach out to him too.  He needs your help more than I do.

All things balance themselves out in the end.  At least I hope they do.  I learned so much from my relationship.  While I was driving to work this morning I couldn't stop thinking about all the good times, and hard times that I was helped through.  And not to mention how I have grown because of the experience.  I don't believe any experience is wasted until we choose not to learn anything from it.

So last night, I sat him down and got my feelings out in the open.  It was a relief, and incredibly difficult at the same time.  We differ on how we view some aspects of relationships.  That wasn't the breaking point.  One of the biggest reasons I decided to end it was because he deserves to have everything he wants from a guy, without having to compromise.  He deserves a guy who is as loving, caring, kind, generous, happy, fun, spontaneous, and just wonderful as he is.

I am a good person.  I did my best with what I thought was right, and even though I hurt someone, I hope it is for the better for the both of us.  I honestly wish him all the happiness in the world.  And I pray that he will one day be my friend.  I will always and forever love him and cherish the time we shared.  He touched my life, he touched my friend's lives, and my family has already told me how they are going to miss him too.

For now, I am going to take a break from dating.  It's time for me to work on me.  I am going to get to a point where I am a happy, completely whole individual.  Maybe then it'll be a good time to start dating.  And I'm gonna make more friends too!  I don't think that the first time I hang with a gay guy means it's a date.  I am going to step out of my comfort zone and just hang out with good guys.  Maybe down the road something will come of it, but for now, it's just me making some good, new friends.  I can always use good influences in my life.


  1. That's so hard to do, but if that's what you need, then I'm glad you're doing it! Be strong and it will pay off. (I went through the same process a few years ago, and it's worth it!) Love you!

  2. Wow. This blog really spoke to me. I have been going through a very similar situation with someone and your blog made me tear up because 99% of what you wrote has been written in my journals.

    You are a sweetheart. I know we haven't seen each other in a really long time, but I have never forgotten you nor have I ever stopped caring about you. You have been through so much, but I promise you things will get better. There are a lot of ups and downs ahead in your self discovery journey and many tears will be shed, but what you get from all the pain is the greatest reward. I'm nowhere close to the end of my own journey because we all have to take it at our own pace. I know that you will come away from it an even stronger, more confident person.

    If you ever need anything, let me know. I am here. :)

    :: Jo ::

  3. You seem genuine, and I can tell that you really do love him. So I am sure that he is going to be able to see that in the end.

    But, me being able to see it from HIS side, since almost the same thing happened to me in January where I was the one that was broken up with for such similar reasons (I just barely blogged about it today) I can attest to how painstakingly hard it can be to get over, and even harder to cope with in the beginning. I was crushed, just as I am sure that he is crushed.

    But all will be well in the end, I am sure of it. Good luck. :) Hugs!

    P.S....I have to say that I think you are right about the marriage thing though and the being alone parinoia. I feel the same way...i am petrified of being alone my whole life, and I think that it is because of my upbringing in the church.