Holy crapola! Yesterday was the two year anniversary of me coming out publicly. But I guess if you've been living under a rock for two years, surprise! I'm gay! In honor of that day, I re-read my coming out post and wrote this blog entry.
I stand by my statement saying that I still do not prowl the streets looking for unsuspecting gays to pounce on. I'm much too charming to need to do a thing like that.
I did notice, however, that in my initial blog post, I had made the decision not to date. This might sound shocking to some because as most of you know, I do date. I think the thing that has changed the most in me since coming out publicly that first time, is my stance on my feelings of homosexuality.
All my life I have been ingrained with the idea that anything that is good comes from God, and anything that is evil comes from Satan. And I still believe that to be true. Some may think that my up-coming reasoning is wrong because I've been brainwashed, or I'm just justifying myself, but I believe it to be true. During my dating experience, I have upheld my standards as best I could. I have tried my best to be a good date, to be chivalrous, to be polite, respectful, honest, and kind. I have dated the way I would hope that any upstanding person would date.
I have had some incredible experiences. I've had some incredible dates, and others that I feel so uncomfortable, I want to throw myself out the nearest window. But that just comes with dating and it has been an experience for the betterment of myself.
During my dates, I have never felt evil, sadistic, brainwashed or simply wrong. I have felt comfort, peace, at one with myself, and a greater love for myself and the person I'm with. I think these feelings are good, and thus come from God. How could something that makes me so happy, and makes me feel so good, be wrong (insert some comments from skeptics about how I've been mislead)?
My last two years have been interesting for sure. The first year was mostly me working on myself, and accepting myself for who I was in the moment, so that I wouldn't be a total basket-case when I started dating.
Then I got my first boyfriend. He taught me a lot and we had great times for sure. He taught me how to be honest about my feelings, how to compromise, and many other wonderful lessons. Since it was my first breakup, it was definitely difficult, but I'm glad that he felt honest enough with me to end things when he wasn't comfortable anymore. I would never want to force anyone into something they weren't comfortable with.
Then I was single for a while. After a while, and after I had adjusted to just dating for fun, I got involved in my second relationship. We also had great times. We did activities together that I didn't have the opportunity to with other guys. He liked plays, the symphony, dances, ballet, and lots of other things that I love. After three months, I broke up with him. I dedicated a blog post just to him, and I think about, and worry about him a lot. He seems happy, and I truly hope he is. I felt like breaking up with him was the right thing to do. And it was his first real breakup so I know I really hurt him--which hurts me too.
Here I am, two years later. I would say overall I'm a much happier and healthier person. I am more myself, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and have grown more understanding and accepting of other people. I respect people more and appreciate their hardships and what they can teach me. I also appreciate my own hardships more.
In fact, looking back when I first came out publicly, my parents were less than pleased. They felt that coming out was a private matter that needed to be kept in the family and I had just blabbed all over facebook that I was gay. The horror! But now, my parents are completely supportive of me and my decision. I talk to my mum and nanna about who I am dating and what we did. They get excited for me and encourage me to live the best life I can. I'm still a good person and need to stick to my morals. My brother encourages me to keep an open mind, reach out to new people, enjoy the company of others, and become more comfortable with myself. My father helps me discuss deeper issues such as where I fit in in this life, where my life may go, and the occasional excitement about a date. I love my family more than anything and I am *so* grateful that they are so supportive. I never could've made it this far without them.
I am no longer attending the LDS church meetings. I respect the church, I respect what they do for some people, and I cannot fully participate in the church and be true to myself. They are mutually exclusive. Although I pray that one day the church will change, I highly doubt it will. I am comfortable in living my life the best I can with what I have, not abandoning who I was, sticking to my morals, and just being happy. I do still pray and find myself connecting to God in different ways--through music, love of friends, wholesome activities, and family.
Now then, I have left the best for last. I have met someone. And yes I meet lots of people all the time but he is different. The instant I saw him, my jaw dropped. I did my best to hide such a foolish gesture. He and I chatted, fairly easily might I add, and I asked him out on a date. He was so sweet on the date, very chivalrous, kind-hearted, loving, and a great conversationalist. After dinner, we headed into the mountains to go on a hike. It was splendid to be in such a beautiful area with such a beautiful guy, inside and out. We have seen each other every week since, and love spending time together. I have never been happier to be with someone. Anytime I get a text, I swoon. When I speak to him every night, there's constantly a huge smile on my face. And anyone within ear shot has to hear about my cheesy middle-school romance that I seem to be in. I think it's wonderful! I am elated and haven't been this happy in a very long time.
He tells me he feels the same. He is helping me gain the confidence I am so lacking at times. He compliments me, and I him. We talk about everything and I do my best to help him feel as comfortable as possible in his own skin. He makes me feel like a million dollars! I feel like I can be completely myself with him, and he says the same about me.
We are taking things one day at a time, and slow. I do not feel a need to rush. I am comfortable where we are.
Now then, I leave you with how I feel about myself this morning. I hope to remind myself about these positive qualities if I feel down. I can change my outlook on life and myself.
I am generous, loving, silly, have a nice smile, I dress well, I'm smart, I know how to help people, I'm successful, I'm dedicated, I'm compassionate, I'm spontaneous, I'm sweet, I'm thoughtful, I'm random, I'm goofy, I'm talented, I'm handsome, I'm considerate, I'm frugal, I'm ambitious, I'm passionate, and above all, I am me.
Here's to another year! Cheers!