Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It Gets to You

Wow I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. So I suppose it's time for an update.

I got accepted into the Masters program at the University of Utah to begin my work towards becoming a professional counselor. I am currently on the alternate list for their PhD program so if I don't get into that, I can at least start working on my Masters.

I have a boyfriend! Amazing right? Didn't seem like I was going to get one. We were set up by a mutual friend and I was shocked things worked out 'cause blind dates usually don't end well. But, I wasn't looking and everyone says that a boyfriend comes along when you stop looking for one. So yay me!

I'm mainly writing this blog to get some feelings out that I'm having right now. I do want to address a frustration I recently had.

Someone in my ward read my blog. I have a pretty good idea who it is. He decided to run and tell the bishop about my blog. The bishop then decided to give me a call and talk about my blog. Nothing bad happened. We just talked and he wanted to make sure I was using this blog just as a journal and not as a way to try and teach doctrine or something like that. And I can understand the bishops' concern.

The problem comes in with this guy who ran to tattle to the bishop on me. I mean really...? Nowhere in my blog have I ever stated that my thoughts and ideas were doctrine of the church and that I was trying to persuade people to believe in what I had to say. If you have a problem with me or my blog, say it to my face. Don't try to go behind my back, because guess what? I have a lot of respect for people who bring me feedback out in the open. The people who want to save face or whatever and go around me actually end up losing my respect.

The words from a song keep repeating in my head over and over. The line is, "what if your best just isn't good enough?"

I've felt like that a lot. Actually, most of my life to be honest. Having been to therapy, I've done a lot of work on my shame-based thoughts and behaviors. For some reason, I have an idea about myself that I'm not good enough and I never will be good enough. I don't know where this idea originated, and I probably had a lot to do with it being perpetuated but that's not the point. The point is that some of the stuff that I'm exposed to has really begun to wear me down.

Being gay, I am privy to a lot of information about gay issues. Mostly just because my friends post things on their websites or facebook accounts. And most of the time these things are not good. It usually has to deal with how we are still being denied rights and how we are of a lower class then everyone else.

So what am I feeling now? That I've tried my best and it's just not good enough.

For the first time in my life, I am living as authentic of a life as possible. I'm working on being true to my religion (by living it as much as I can being gay) and I'm also working on being okay with myself as a gay.

But then I see these hate-filled statements that politicians, religious figures, and other people make and as much as I try to not let it sink in, it takes its toll. There are nights like tonight where I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like I'm fighting so hard just to be myself and it doesn't even matter because I'm just not good enough. How I was born and made is just not up to par with what I should be.

So I'm left with this empty feeling inside. What more can I do? How much more am I expected to take?

Unfortunately, the words of others are almost always worse than physical actions. Someone can punch me, and yes I'll have some bruises or damage for a while, but it goes away. The words that I hear stay with me. I can see the article headlines in my mind, "God hates gays", "so and so brings Bible to prove that gays are terrible", and so on and so forth.

Those bigoted words stay with me. People can believe what they want and think that homosexuality is wrong or that's its a choice or whatever else. They're just ignorant. But when people are vocal in degrading a group of people, those people will eventually start believing what they hear.

I know I'm beginning to...


  1. Congratulations on the boyfriend! As to the haters, they'll always be there - and probably in greater concentrations in places like Utah :/

  2. It is the height of hubris to presume one knows what God is thinking. That having been established, I feel arrogant enough to say that God does Not hate gays.