I'm feeling quite overwhelmed right now. It seems that no matter what I do, drama seems to follow me. Maybe I'm just the cause of the drama. Maybe it'd be better if I just didn't have friends.
I am an introvert by nature. But I am desperately trying to become an extrovert. When I was in junior high, I realized I didn't have many friends. From then on I worked very hard to become friends with lots of people. People would never say that I'm shy now but honestly on the inside, I am very shy and it's incredibly difficult for me to force myself to be outgoing.
Having lots of friends leads to drama. Having lots of gay friends leads to even MORE drama. And being gay myself would contribute to some more drama. Yesterday, I had a friend nicely tell me that I'm a whore. Wow, what a great way to add to the happiness I was feeling at Disneyland. From then, I've been wanting to cry, but I just can't bring myself to do it. My friends are here, and they don't need to know what I'm going through. They probably don't understand or really even care.
Am I a whore? I don't think so. I have a need for physical comfort. It is necessary to my happiness. So yes, I do cuddle with a lot of people. So what? People understand that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, yet when I cuddle with someone new, people jump on me like a fat kid on a Twinkie, accusing me of being unfaithful. How do I be unfaithful when I have no commitments to anyone?
And I am also feeling a lot like a third wheel right now. I'm on a trip with my friends right now, and I feel like they only brought me along so that the couples wouldn't be even so that our parents would feel better about letting us go together. There are two couples, and me. It's been like that since junior high. I tag along so that parents are happy. I'm the gay friend that keeps people "safe" from their deep and dark desires.
There are very few people who I hang out with just one on one. Which is weird since I prefer to be in small groups rather than large, even though I am quite often the center of attention in large groups. The only problem with being the third, fifth, or whatever odd number wheel is that you're kinda left out. And I feel like I have been.
At Disneyland, I was always standing in the back of the group. The other two couples were talking, and snuggling in public (barf) and I was standing in the back feeling like it was expected of me to be happy and cheerful. Um, no. So when the comment came that I was a whore, my mood plummeted. I feel like crap right now.
Do people actually like me for me or just for the "services" I provide? Do I actually make a difference in the happiness of others or do I suck the fun and happiness out of a room, as I feel like I'm doing right now? Would there ever be a time where I wouldn't feel like a lone wheel 'cause I'll have someone by my side? I doubt it to be honest.
Sorry for the whiny post. I just had to write this stuff down.