Saturday, March 6, 2010

A Broken Heart

Some of my new friends have been waiting for me to post something new and exciting. Well, this is something new. I dunno if it's exciting or anything but I'll try and do my best to explain what this week has been like for me. It's been really rough.

I started my new job this week! Exciting? I suppose that's how you look at it. I've learned about being verbally assaulted, physically assaulted and whole lots of other things. Today I spent the day learning techniques to defend myself. Yesterday I learned about finding my own problems in my life before the kids do because they'll tear me apart. Not exactly comforting but I believe I am up for the challenge. I just hope I don't get shanked by a kid with a toothbrush (and yes I know how to make a weapon out of a toothbrush now :S )

But moving on. Last week Saturday was another Moho party. One of the best ones I've been to in fact. If you don't know what they are, they're basically a safe place for gay members of the church (either active or not) can come together and just talk. Well, I made some wonderful new friends while I was there.

Now here comes the dilemma. As a member of the church, I do not feel that it is appropriate for me to be in a relationship with a man if I want to remain in the church. Other people seem to be able to reconcile those two opposing viewpoints but I cannot. It is desperately difficult and I am stuck.

I have met fantastic people. I have fallen hard for people. I have put up barrier after barrier to try and stop myself from getting to close. I have used physical intimacy (i.e. lots of cuddling) as an excuse to fill an emotional need while at the same time stopping myself from discussing and confronting the issue, and trying to deal with it.

How can I deal with something like this? I don't understand why I would ever be given feelings like this if there is nothing I'm supposed to do about them. One of my friends publicly stated that his being gay was NOT a cross for him to bare, as many church members may believe. I do not know how I feel. I know that my Heavenly Father is filled with perfect justice, as well as perfect mercy.

Does that mean that I'm allowed to do the best that I can with the feelings that I have and get a boyfriend while still striving to remain a good and virtuous person? I mean, I don't want to be some kind of whore, hopping from person to person, never getting to close, and never moving anywhere. If I found myself wanting a boyfriend, I would want to remain faithful, just as straight members of the church are faithful to their partners and eventual spouses.

Or, do I have to simply accept my feelings and try as hard as I might to never act on them? After all, no unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God. And the church has a very strict stance on homosexuality. You can be a part of the church if you're gay, as long as you don't act on those feelings.

For those who may be confused as to what it feels like for me, imagine this. You are in a relationship. It has developed over a long period of time and you feel happy, carefree, and for once in your life loved for who you are. Then imagine that you were told you could not pursue such a relationship and that you had to somehow suppress those feelings. That's how I feel. My heart is being crushed at the same time that I'm being forced to choose between two things that I love so deeply.

So since I came out to myself, I have avoided getting a boyfriend like the plague. I almost always start a conversation with a gay guy talking about how I'm just looking for friends and that I've never had a boyfriend, nor do I plan on getting one. However, since I am a huge cuddler, I usually send mixed signals. And this is because I am terribly confused. Then we have "the talk" and we both get hurt. I feel stupid for being caught in the middle and also feel bad for potentially leading someone on. And they feel hurt because they were lead on and because I'm destroying a possible beautiful potential relationship.

It is honestly a mess. And one that I am not quite prepared to start cleaning up yet. I don't know what to do and no one can make my decision for me except myself. People tell me if I get involved with a man that there will always be something missing that I can feel in my soul. That would probably be the church. But right now, I already feel like I'm missing something, and that is someone who I truly feel comfortable with in every way and actually loved. I feel like either way, I am losing. And I shouldn't be losing. The reason for my existence is to find happiness.

To say that I am freaked out of my mind about everything that is going on would be a huge understatement. I am honestly at a loss for words at this point. what?


  1. Easy.
    We'll go to Vegas, and get married, Steven!
    Becaaause, I always love you.


  2. It's hard to work through those feelings. All I know is that I love as my friend and am grateful to have met you this past Saturday. No matter what happens or what path you choose or are indecisive on, I will be there. I'm always available to talk with! You'll find the answers, just don't give up!

  3. "After all, no unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God. And the Church has a very strict stance on homosexuality."

    One of the most important things I learned while trying to reconcile my faith with my sexual orientation was differentiating between the Church, the Gospel, and Heavenly Father & Christ. Re-read the two sentences in the quote above... Switch thexwords God and Church. Then say both sentences with God replacing Church in the second sentence and then vice-versa, with Church replacing God
    in the first sentence.

    My point is this: both sentences should either have God in them or Church in them, not a mix of the two. This is because God is not the Church, He does not equal the Church.

    I have learned that my faith in God is not dependent on the Church; I can have faith in one without having faith in the other. My faith in God stands on its own without the nurturance of the Church.

    There is a difference. Hopefully this stimulates some deep thinking and helps you. :)

  4. Dude!!! We need to talk in depth about this! I seriously have some info for you that you may or may not use, but it has helped me a little bit. I will text you later man, but feel free to talk to me if you need anything. ;) Remember we love you!!!!

  5. So I read this at 4:30am a couple days ago and I just wanted to say that you are an amazing person. I know that we don't know each other that well but I liked you as soon as I met you in Irish dance. That is a rough situation that I will never fully understand. I have many friends/family members that have that same struggle and my heart goes out to you all. Remember that you will be blessed for your righteous desires and if anyone knows what you are feeling it is Christ. The atonement encompasses every pain that we might experience in this life. I always try to remember that. When I feel like I have a trial in my life (some don't go away)even when I am trying to do everything right, I have to rely on the Lord. He did everything right and yet He still was burdened with all our sins and problems. I hope you too can have comfort in that. Love ya.

  6. This is probably the most difficult thing faced by any Gay Mormon, or gay person of any religion for that matter. It’s something that is very personal and is a long journey as we develop into the people we were meant to become. Personally, I had to know which path to choose before I ever came out to my family. It’s a sad thing that a choice is even involved. I knelt for years and years, praying to be changed. Finally, I took a step back and separated the Church from God. I decided to ask God myself which would be a more appropriate path for my life. I stopped listening to what anyone was telling me, and listed to the voice within as I prayed. For me, it was an overwhelming experience affirming that my happiness was more important than attendance in a religious organization. Furthermore, it was clear that a lasting, committed relationship with a wonderful man is in my future. I know other people who’ve prayed, just like I did, and they’ve opted to maintain an active role within the church, choosing to remain celibate in this lifetime. Still others have made a choice to have both, a relationship with a same-gendered person and still attend church. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that this is not something that is the same for everyone. It’s not something that can be decided upon overnight. It’s a long and difficult road ahead, but one that will allow you to develop into an even more incredible person than the one you already are. I wish you all the best in whatever paths your life takes.