A Broken Heart

Some of my new friends have been waiting for me to post something new and exciting. Well, this is something new. I dunno if it's exciting or anything but I'll try and do my best to explain what this week has been like for me. It's been really rough.

I started my new job this week! Exciting? I suppose that's how you look at it. I've learned about being verbally assaulted, physically assaulted and whole lots of other things. Today I spent the day learning techniques to defend myself. Yesterday I learned about finding my own problems in my life before the kids do because they'll tear me apart. Not exactly comforting but I believe I am up for the challenge. I just hope I don't get shanked by a kid with a toothbrush (and yes I know how to make a weapon out of a toothbrush now :S )

But moving on. Last week Saturday was another Moho party. One of the best ones I've been to in fact. If you don't know what they are, they're basically a safe place for gay members of the church (either active or not) can come together and just talk. Well, I made some wonderful new friends while I was there.

Now here comes the dilemma. As a member of the church, I do not feel that it is appropriate for me to be in a relationship with a man if I want to remain in the church. Other people seem to be able to reconcile those two opposing viewpoints but I cannot. It is desperately difficult and I am stuck.

I have met fantastic people. I have fallen hard for people. I have put up barrier after barrier to try and stop myself from getting to close. I have used physical intimacy (i.e. lots of cuddling) as an excuse to fill an emotional need while at the same time stopping myself from discussing and confronting the issue, and trying to deal with it.

How can I deal with something like this? I don't understand why I would ever be given feelings like this if there is nothing I'm supposed to do about them. One of my friends publicly stated that his being gay was NOT a cross for him to bare, as many church members may believe. I do not know how I feel. I know that my Heavenly Father is filled with perfect justice, as well as perfect mercy.

Does that mean that I'm allowed to do the best that I can with the feelings that I have and get a boyfriend while still striving to remain a good and virtuous person? I mean, I don't want to be some kind of whore, hopping from person to person, never getting to close, and never moving anywhere. If I found myself wanting a boyfriend, I would want to remain faithful, just as straight members of the church are faithful to their partners and eventual spouses.

Or, do I have to simply accept my feelings and try as hard as I might to never act on them? After all, no unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God. And the church has a very strict stance on homosexuality. You can be a part of the church if you're gay, as long as you don't act on those feelings.

For those who may be confused as to what it feels like for me, imagine this. You are in a relationship. It has developed over a long period of time and you feel happy, carefree, and for once in your life loved for who you are. Then imagine that you were told you could not pursue such a relationship and that you had to somehow suppress those feelings. That's how I feel. My heart is being crushed at the same time that I'm being forced to choose between two things that I love so deeply.

So since I came out to myself, I have avoided getting a boyfriend like the plague. I almost always start a conversation with a gay guy talking about how I'm just looking for friends and that I've never had a boyfriend, nor do I plan on getting one. However, since I am a huge cuddler, I usually send mixed signals. And this is because I am terribly confused. Then we have "the talk" and we both get hurt. I feel stupid for being caught in the middle and also feel bad for potentially leading someone on. And they feel hurt because they were lead on and because I'm destroying a possible beautiful potential relationship.

It is honestly a mess. And one that I am not quite prepared to start cleaning up yet. I don't know what to do and no one can make my decision for me except myself. People tell me if I get involved with a man that there will always be something missing that I can feel in my soul. That would probably be the church. But right now, I already feel like I'm missing something, and that is someone who I truly feel comfortable with in every way and actually loved. I feel like either way, I am losing. And I shouldn't be losing. The reason for my existence is to find happiness.

To say that I am freaked out of my mind about everything that is going on would be a huge understatement. I am honestly at a loss for words at this point.

So...now what?