If you didn't know, my title actually comes from a song that's a part of "Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog" which is an awesome show by the way. It is actually one of my favorite songs. Probably because it's kind of a dark, passionate, emotional song, but also sassy. I dunno, I just really like songs that are more sad. They just sound better and are a lot more powerful. Guess they just resonate with me.
But this isn't about music. I guess I feel the urgent desire to write in my blog for some reason. Maybe it's because it's New Years day and I feel some obligation to create some resolutions. But I've also been struggling and writing usually helps me feel better.
It's amazing how different people can bring out the best and the worst in you. I know here at work, some of these kids just know all the right buttons to push and I can go from zero to sixty in two seconds. But then there are kids here who can actually tell when something is bugging me, and I can actually see that they care.
Well, my day started out well yesterday until I received some news from a friend of mine. He and I met recently; we've hung out every day and have gone on a few dates. Honestly, I have never felt the way I feel about him before. And I told him that. That was when he told me that he's been hurt a lot and so he's locked away his feelings. He's just not as interested in me as I am in him.
Well, that hurt. A lot. After I saw that, I couldn't stop crying. He called and we talked about it, and honestly, I understand where he's coming from. I know it's important to protect yourself from emotional pain and anguish. But it doesn't make it any easier for me.
The problem for me comes in with my feelings. If I had these overwhelming feelings for every guy I've ever met, I would say there's a problem and that I'm falling too easily for guys and am not letting things happen naturally. But that's not what is happening. I've met plenty of gay guys, and have never felt so twitterpated as I did with this guy. So I feel like it's something special. It is for me anyway, maybe not for him.
And of course I *love* to overanalyze everything. It's a bad habit, I know. I'll work on that. Maybe that should be a New Years resolution! Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...
So, I'm overanalyzing things. I'm thinking that he really doesn't like me, that he never has, that he's dating other guys on the side and making them fall for him like I did. But of course, I have no evidence to support those assumptions. He even told me that I have done absolutely nothing wrong. He is just trying to work things out for himself and that he has just a different process of doing things.
This has brought up some interesting feelings for me: both bad and good. Which is why I mentioned how different people can really change how things look to you. So now to my resolutions.
I think my first one is to be true to myself. Honestly I get crazy mixed messages from the gay universe! Which is incredibly frustrating. I keep hearing from guy after guy how much they value honesty with others and with themselves. And I'm a pretty honest guy when it comes to my emotions, needs, and what I want. But that seems to scare people off. I tell them how I'm *honestly* feeling and it scares 'em off. I can understand that, I guess. Most people aren't used to others who are very honest and direct. Guess that's just another way my psychology degree has ruined my life.
But hey, as I have been thinking, being true to myself, no matter what that is, is what I want to do. I'd rather be with someone who loves me and everything about me, even when I am crazy just because I'm in tune and open about my emotions. That way I'd feel truly fulfilled and valued. I am a worthy person all by myself, without needing to change.
My second resolution also has to do with dating. I am going to go on dates to have fun. This one is going to be a challenge. When I ask guys out, sometimes I feel differently on that first date. Unless I've already been hanging out with the guy a little bit before I ask him out. But I think that happens to everyone. So I think if I am honest with myself, I will have fun on dates and won't be thinking in the back of my mind, "is this going to go anywhere?" and all those other relationship questions.
My third resolution is to be selfish. But not in the way you think. I find myself giving up a lot of what I want to do for the benefit or convenience of others. I need to be taking care of my own needs first. I can't help people up a mountain unless I myself am on a higher plane and am able to do so. Along with this, I want to start doing things for myself that make myself happy. I snowboard, and I love it. I go by myself every week and it hasn't been an issue. I don't look around and pout because I am alone. I am at peace, and am in love with what I am doing. I want other activities to help me do that. I used to volunteer at the Space Center. I now think I'd like to volunteer at the Salt Lake City LGBT center. I used to take violin lessons and play my bass in an orchestra. I now want to take voice lessons and get back involved in an orchestra either with my violin or bass. In this way, I am being selfish, but it will allow me to be in a better mood, and be better able to help others in a darker place than my own.
Hopefully I will get accepted into graduate school this year. I applied for the PhD programs at the U and USU in counseling psychology. I also applied for the masters program at the U just in case I don't get into one of the doctorate programs. Education keeps me busy, helps me have a goal in mind, and keeps me feeling useful. If I don't get into grad school, I will have to rely more heavily on my hobbies and other activities.
I want to look back at the end of 2011 and think to myself that I made the most of every moment I had a live. Life is precious. As I know from losing my brother, it really can end at any time. If that were to happen to me, I want to be able to say I live with no regrets. And honestly I'm doing a very good job I think. The only thing I would regret is not choosing to learn something from a mistake. Mistakes are good.
I watched Memoirs of a Geisha last night and thought it was a fantastic movie. It was beautiful, profound, fun, engaging, and insightful. In one scene, a man approaches the young main character and encourages her that the next time she falls down, she must get up with a smile because happy moments are ours for the taking, and we must make the most of them whenever we can.
So there you have it. I actually do have some resolutions! And studies have actually shown that writing down goals makes you more likely to achieve them. Most likely because it helps them be stored in long-term memory for use down the road. But now I'm just psycho-babbling...