Today is a blah day. I'm not sure if it's the weather or maybe my time of the week (men go through weekly cycles FYI) but I'm just feeling blah today.
I have a love/hate relationship with being gay. Last week on my dates I loved it. Today, I'm not such a fan. I read about a blog post describing some of the hate and prejudice that takes place against gays. It reminds me of the harassment I've dealt with. Nothing major but hard nontheless.
Can I just say that I love when people have the wrong idea about who I am? Ya...so...fun... I recently had to cut off an acquantence cause I was being harassed for things I never did. I'm glad it's over now but it's sad when someone sees you as a terrible person.
Then there are times when my work comes home with me. I'm not talking about being bothered by my kids' problems, it's more when I get so drained trying to help people with their problems.
I had a good friend tell me the other night after I was hanging with one of the dates I had last week, that he was so mad at me and just wanted to be mad at me. I told him to go ahead and be mad at me. People take out a lot of their frustrations on me. But apparently I'm also the cause of many frustrations. I dunno what to do with these people. I apologize but I can't make it better.
I'm so tired. Both physically and emotionally. There are times when I remember that I was born to serve others and make their burdens lighter. But there are days like today when the light in my heart is barely flickering and I just wanna curl up, and cry myself to sleep for a very long time.
Don't get me wrong, I had some great dates last week and I also have some wonderful ones planned this week. I suppose I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed with all the changes in my life.
My brother told me that natural introverts react interestingly when given too much social stimuli. They shut down. It's a way for the brain to build itself back up and become energized again. I think I'm going to take some "me time" tonight before I go dancing again.
It seems that I throw out all of this information about myself through blogs and just talking to try and get some of it to stick. It's like a shotgun approach to friendship. Taking the time to build friendships one on one is absolutely terrifying. I'm scared once people get to my core, they won't like me. And so I have tons of friends. I know a few of them closer than others and a few of them know me too. Most don't know really anything about me. I have too many walls up.
I can feel myself withdrawing and literally shutting down. I want to reach out but don't. I assume people just don't want to talk to me. Of course this is a skewed thought process but that's how it feels.
So there you go. I had some pretty amazing days recently and I guess I'm worn out and contemplative today. Thinking is dangerous. I should probably stop :P