Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Today is a blah day. I'm not sure if it's the weather or maybe my time of the week (men go through weekly cycles FYI) but I'm just feeling blah today.

I have a love/hate relationship with being gay. Last week on my dates I loved it. Today, I'm not such a fan. I read about a blog post describing some of the hate and prejudice that takes place against gays. It reminds me of the harassment I've dealt with. Nothing major but hard nontheless.

Can I just say that I love when people have the wrong idea about who I am? Ya...so...fun... I recently had to cut off an acquantence cause I was being harassed for things I never did.  I'm glad it's over now but it's sad when someone sees you as a terrible person. 

Then there are times when my work comes home with me. I'm not talking about being bothered by my kids' problems, it's more when I get so drained trying to help people with their problems.

I had a good friend tell me the other night after I was hanging with one of the dates I had last week, that he was so mad at me and just wanted to be mad at me. I told him to go ahead and be mad at me. People take out a lot of their frustrations on me. But apparently I'm also the cause of many frustrations. I dunno what to do with these people. I apologize but I can't make it better.

I'm so tired. Both physically and emotionally. There are times when I remember that I was born to serve others and make their burdens lighter. But there are days like today when the light in my heart is barely flickering and I just wanna curl up, and cry myself to sleep for a very long time.

Don't get me wrong, I had  some great dates last week and I also have some wonderful ones planned this week. I suppose I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed with all the changes in my life. 

My brother told me that natural introverts react interestingly when given too much social stimuli. They shut down. It's a way for the brain to build itself back up and become energized again. I think I'm going to take some "me time" tonight before I go dancing again.

It seems that I throw out all of this information about myself through blogs and just talking to try and get some of it to stick. It's like a shotgun approach to friendship. Taking the time to build friendships one on one is absolutely terrifying. I'm scared once people get to my core, they won't like me. And so I have tons of friends. I know a few of them closer than others and a few of them know me too. Most don't know really anything about me. I have too many walls up.

I can feel myself withdrawing and literally shutting down. I want to reach out but don't. I assume people just don't want to talk to me. Of course this is a skewed thought process but that's how it feels.

So there you go. I had some pretty amazing days recently and I guess I'm worn out and contemplative today. Thinking is dangerous. I should probably stop :P


  1. I have seen how weird you get when you think. Don't do it. It's dangerous. And I DO read your blog...you nummyknucklehead!

  2. Complacency is irritating sometimes. I think that you taking some ‘Me’ time is a good idea. I love my ‘ME’ time occasionally. I’m definitely one of the people in the category who don’t know you too well, but the more I find out about you, the more I realize that you’re among the most amazing people I’ve had the opportunity to meet. You’re a truly amazing man Steven and I’m glad to have you as a friend!

  3. I entirely understand how you feel about shutting down, hunnie.
    My mum calls it "playing possum" when I get like that. I just.. withdraw, shut down, and stop everything.
    We should have Possum parties together. We can drink Dr. Pepper, and watch Moulin Rouge.
    Those of us who DO get to your core love you for who you are, entirely. Good with the bad, cherish the laughter and the tears. Especially the last-minute road trips to Idaho that no one else understands.
    Because we apparently are a convincing couple.
    Hang in there, peach!

  4. I'm the same. When I have the energy for extroversion I love it and love being out and active and being with friends. But eventually I get tired and I need some time away to hibernate and recharge. When I'm ready, I go back out again! It's not a good or bad thing, it just is what it is. Learn your own rhythms and cycles so you can monitor and control them. Work with them, don't fight them. It's good you are recognizing this in yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it, just take the time you need to rest up. Then re-engage.