Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Battle Continues

Well it's been a while since I last wrote and I apologize for that. I think my life has definitely become more interesting now that it's no longer a secret that I'm gay. It seems like everyone has an opinion, and of course, everyone has to share that opinion with me. I don't really mind listening, but my brain has been about ready to explode from everyone's suggestions!

But I know it's their way of showing that they care. And I think I've grown closer to people since I came out. People have begun to see me in a different light. They can see how I've really struggled and they have tried to share some of their intimate stories. I wanted to personally thank everyone who has shared one of their trials with me. It helps me keep things in perspective, and it helps me know that people care because they're trying to relate to me.

So...where to continue...well, I have noticed that people treat me just a little bit differently now! He he he. I get the questions like, "do you still notice attractive girls?" or "any new boys in your life?" and stuff like that. I think it's fantastic that people are so supportive! And just so you know, I have yet to have a bad reaction to my least to my face.

I write this blog now because my heart is torn. It feels like people are trying to make me take a side. They're making me choose my friends, and my enemies, and putting me in a position to fight.

Well, I don't want to fight ok? I think this is one of those things where I don't have to choose a side. Yes, it is possible to be gay and still be in the Church! I promise it is! So, I will not lose my religion, and I will not change a part of me that I really like. that being said, my heart is still torn. I really don't know what to do. When I'm with a girl that I really enjoy being with, I feel an emotional connection. I feel like we could be friends forever and just love life! However, there isn't that physical spark that makes me wanna cozy on up next to her. I can still love her emotionally, but I just can't do it physically.

Now with a guy, I feel like I can do both. But here's the interesting thing. If, for instance, I really like a guy, the more I get to know them, the less attracted I am to them physically. Is that weird? I would assume it's kinda weird since most people, after they get married, don't slowly stop being physically intimate. That's just not how it's supposed to work! Well, that's what I would assume anyway.

So, I dunno what to do. Is it possible to find a woman who would not want a physical relationship? Unlikely...even if she was in a wheelchair she'd still want some physical me, I've thought about this. Is it possible to find a man who wouldn't want a physical relationship? Even more unlikely 'cause it seems to me like most gay guys move a lot faster when it comes to physical intimacy than women. And is it even possible for me to be happy in either relationship trying to be within the Church? I have no flippin' clue...

I am coming up to a turning point in my life. Grad school is fast approaching. No I haven't applied anywhere yet, but that's where more confusing, and yes more stress, comes into play. I have tons of friends here in Utah and in states round about. If I leave, I could make a brand new start and really choose what I want with little to no outside pressure because I won't know anyone. However, I need a social support system. Without friends and family, at least someone close by, I feel like I am nothing. But if I stay, will I be able to stay close to my convictions? Or will I be missing out on a huge opportunity to grow? I don't know those answers either...

So anyway, I know that's not the happiest post in the world, and I will try and write more and tell you of some of the lighter sides of things that have been going on. But I just wanted to get that in the open. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think. I'm always up for suggestions :)


  1. We are all here for you. Be yourself.

  2. Love ya Stevo-O. We'll always be here for you! Just do what makes you happy.

  3. Men are that they might have joy! Whatever brings you genuine, deep, long-term peace and happiness is the direction you should go. I don't envy you, but I totally think you should come with me to Oxford for your fresh start!

  4. we are always here for you Steven.
    dont let Anyone ever let you feel less then amasing! I know it hard, but try not to worry about what others think. Besides I think you are way brave for juat being yourself and living life how you want to be. just do what will make you happy. *hug*

  5. From one Steve to another, the battle is never over, but breif moments of respite are sweet and refreshing. I was talking with an 86 year old man last night who recently lost his wife. We were talking about adversity. He said, "As difficult as it is, we couldn't live without it." He is right.

    Our lot is a difficult one, but we can certainly find happiness along the journey.