Four Years!

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote in my blog!  There have definitely been times where I thought, "oh man these thoughts need to go into my blog," but they never did.  Shame on me for not sharing my infinite wisdom with my adoring fans.  I shall have to do better than that.

I also can't believe that four years ago from Sunday, I came out.  Well, that's when I came out publicly.  And what better way to do it, than to broadcast it on Facebook for all the world to see!  I still stand by how I came out publicly.  I had previously come out to family and close friends, so I wasn't being a horrible person by using technology...maybe...but anyway!  I never would've expected my life to turn out how it is right now.

Let's have an update: I'm engaged to a MAN, I work at the Utah Pride Center, I've started my own group in Provo supporting the LGBTQ community, and that's just things surrounding my outward place in the community!  There have been so many other things that have gone in my life.

I think the biggest thing for me over the last four years is my sense of self.  No longer am I totally controlled by outside forces.  Notice that I said "totally controlled".  I still accept influence from others.  But that's the giant difference!  I accept influence, rather than being acted upon.  What a novel concept!  I honestly don't think I would've understood that concept four years ago.  Back then, my world was the perceptions of others.

I was just about to say, "who I am has vastly changed" but I don't think that would be an accurate statement.  I think to many people around me, who I am may seem different, but looking at it myself, who I am is who I've always wanted to be.  I am slowly discovering my true self and embracing it!

I don't think it's possible to ever understand absolutely everything about yourself.  I think it's a never-ending journey.  There are always little nuances and intricacies that wiggle their way to the surface.  It's a fun and fascinating journey!  At least it has been for me.

For those that new me four years ago, and look at me now, I think I know what the biggest change they've seen is: happiness.  My happiness has increased exponentially since coming out!

I was fortunate enough to talk with a friend on the train today.  I knew her back in...2008 to 2009 I believe.  So pretty close to when I first came out publicly.  As we were getting off the train, she asked me, "So really, how are you?".

I haven't given that question much thought as of late.  For those of you who don't know this, I have a big pet peeve around the question, "How are you?" as people are passing.  It's basically being used today as, "hi" or "sup".  I've taken my own personal challenge to actually say how I'm feeling when asked this question.  I dare say it's been a pretty fun experience!  Ha!  People don't really expect you to answer honestly.

Ok, off my rant.  I really thought about that question tonight.  I am really doing well!  I am doing far better than I ever was when I was back in the closet.  I am happier, healthier, friendlier, more kind, sensitive, and more willing to risk new friendships than ever before.  This has lead to a huge increase in my love for others, and the love for myself.  I've started to see what I have to offer the world, and how grateful I am for what the world has given to me.

I think there is some explaining in order.  When I first came out, I said that I was going to stay in the church.  I'm sure there are some other things that I said in there that some people might now accuse me of not doing.  I'm sure friends have whispered quietly (or perhaps they have better things to whisper about than my personal life), wondering what's going on in my brain.  Well, let's take a peek shall we?

First on the agenda, my relationship with the LDS church.  I grew up in it.  It is a part of who I am, and I will never forget or forsake or even regret where I came from.  I have been taught so many wonderful life lessons about love, sacrifice, kindness, endurance, and peace from the church.  I would not give those up for any reason.

And lemme tell you, I still have a spiritual side.  I can feel those same wonderful feelings I felt while in church as I do listening to a beautiful piece of music, or seeing the earth in its natural beauty, or even while sharing my love and care for a friend.  These are the same feelings!  I've just found them in different places.

Also, how I've chosen to follow what I was taught has changed.  Let me tell you something friends, and especially my friends who can be overbearing with their sensibilities...the church teaches you to ask questions.  Believe it or not, it really does!  Unfortunately, some of that has been turned around.  There are times when people might say, "oh, don't question that.  Just keep doing such and such and you will know it's right in the future..."

Well that might be all well and good but it's not the true teachings of the church!  The church has taught through its leaders and its scriptures to seek KNOWLEDGE (that means stuff outside the religion too), and also to look through holy books, as well as to ASK if it is right.  That means, you look up stuff, you do research, you look up scientific journals, you ponder what feels right in your heart, you think of what Jesus would do, you read through religious texts of many sorts, and then you ask.

I did that.  I did it with a few things.  The first thing that I did it with was how I was living as a closeted gay man.  I fought harder than I ever have before to receive an answer.  I researched, I prayed, I fasted, I did all those things I had been told to do in my church.  And do you know what happened?  I received an answer, just like I was told I would.  My answer wasn't a loud voice proclaiming truth.  It was a feeling of peace, and a direction for my life.  The direction I was told was to live authentically and that it would all work out in the end.

I followed what I was told.  Any of you who dare think or say that I'm just doing this out of the blue, or even that it is a choice, are fools!  I followed your doctrine, I received an answer, and I followed my feelings.  And I've never been happier.

Now, how I've chosen to live my spiritual life is a little different, but the principles are very much the same.  The church teaches to follow that which makes you happy, right?  It teaches that anything lovely, or of good report, and so on and on, you should go after.  I have taken this to mean that anything that makes my life happier, more wondrous, more fun, and doesn't hurt anyone else, is a good thing.

So I've changed my behavior.  I date boys!  Shocking, I know...actually, I'm engaged to a wonderful man as I type this!  Well, that's because, like I said earlier, I received my answer, and also, I'm happier, my life is more wondrous and fun, and I'm not hurting anyone else.  I'm sorry, but if my relationship with a man somehow destroys your religious foundation, you must've had a pretty weak foundation to begin with.

I also drink.  Gasp!  I know!  The most horrible evil of all evils!  Alcohol is of the devil!  Well, not in my experience.  I've always been a firm believer in the idea that too much of a good thing, is probably too much.  Moderation is a fantastic idea, and is taught by the church as well.  Hey hey, look at that!  So I decided to try alcohol.

Actually, funny story, the first time I tried alcohol was an accident.  It was an extremely minty drink, so I didn't even know it had alcohol because it was covered by the mint taste.  After I realized what I was drinking, I did the sensible thing.  I let my boyfriend know at the time that I was drinking, and that I wanted him to drive home afterwards.  I drank another cup of the drink, until I started feeling a little fuzzy in my thinking.  I'm smart enough to know that that's what being drunk feels like, even prior to drinking.  And I stopped!

Imagine my surprise when the world didn't come to an end!  I had an absolute blast!  I wasn't crude, I didn't fall over, pass out, or throw up.  I was a more exuberant, fun, and wondrous me!  And it felt great!  So I've continued to drink occasionally.  Guess what? I've still never been drunk enough to pass out, to get a DUI, to throw up, or to make a total ass of myself.  So I plan on continuing to drink occasionally.

I know that might come as a shock to some, but that's me people.  Oh, I suppose because I did that, I probably smoke now, and do drugs, and all that other good stuff.  Surprise coming...NOPE!  I don't do any of that actually!  Do you know why?  It's because for me, it is not lovely, or of good report, and I've seen what it could do to me and those I care about.  So, following my own prescription of asking questions, I came to the conclusion that those things weren't right for me.  And here I am not doing them and still being happy.

I never would've imagined that me being happy, was actually about ME.  Just follow me for a second.  What I thought was happiness, was actually a prescription BY other people FOR other people.  It wasn't for me.  It was a general recipe for what makes a certain group of people feel happy.  And, just so you know my Mormon friends, you are a MINORITY, in the big wide world.  It just so happens that I live in Utah where the church seems like an all-encompassing entity.

I fight for the rights of my LDS friends.  Do you know why?  It's because I hope, and pray that as I fight for what they believe in, and what makes them happy, that they in turn will fight for what I believe in and what makes me happy.

Sadly, some of my best friends have chosen not to support me in my marriage.  I'm not entirely sure why they have done so.  I don't know what they are trying to prove.  I don't know if their religious identity will shatter if they attend a gay wedding.  I honestly don't know because they haven't chosen to tell me.

I say to them, if you have HONESTLY done everything that I talked about earlier (prayer, research, listening to feelings, thinking of what Jesus would do, searching your soul, etc.), and you come to the conclusion that you shouldn't attend my wedding, or be supportive of me, then you shouldn't.  Because if all of those things tell you that you shouldn't, it's probably not the right thing for you.  And I accept that, and I accept you as you are.  Just as I hope you do of me.

I love you guys, and am so grateful for the support that I have received.  I am surrounded by wonderful people.  I have a wonderful life.  I know who I am.  I know that I am happy, and I know that I am in love.  No one can take those feelings away from me or tell me that they are less of the "real" things.  Nope!  I'm authentic, and I'm living as I've been taught.  I've received the answers I have, and I know they're the right ones for me.

May everyone find authenticity, and true happiness.

Listen

There are times when people tease me about what I'm choosing to do for a living.  I even tease myself!  The more I study and dedicate myself to my craft, the more I realize there is no such thing as sanity, that many issues seen as black and white are hardly so, and that listening is a lost art.  That's right, simply hearing what someone has to say is somewhat gone with the times!

Have you looked at how we communicate with each other?  A large chunk of it is cyber communication in the form of emails, messages, texting, Facebook, and I'm sure there are plenty of others that I'm leaving out.  These forms of communication all leave out a critical detail: subtext.  We as humans communicate the majority of what we have to say through HOW we say something, not what we have to say.

So as we read an email, or a text message, we're missing a huge chunk of what is actually being said.  A simple one-word phrase like, "Right," could be interpreted many different ways!  If you're like me, it sounds like, "riiiiiight," but it could also be affirming, positive, negative, neutral, sarcastic, or a multitude of other things!

And if you're also like me, sometimes it's easier to communicate via cyber communication.  There are times when I've crossed my fingers that someone would not answer their phone so that I could just leave a message.  Or times when I would rather carry out a conversation over text than in person.  How sad for myself to choose to miss out on the beautiful intricacies of verbal communication for something trite.

Glancing over Internet message boards, Facebook posts, and listening to what people come into therapy for, there is a general theme amongst them.  All they want is to be heard.  At least that's what I'm getting from everything.  Sure there are those "trolls" who just go around trying to stir up trouble, and there are individuals who will stop at nothing but try and convince others of their stupid way of dealing with issues.  But for the most part, all I see is a genuine desire to be heard.

In the voice of Scrooge, "Well poppycock, surely people can still hear.  Their ears are still attached, words are still inscribed, other men are still responding!"

Yes this is all very true.  But when was the last time you really heard someone.  This isn't something passive like listening to music (although when I listen to music it's anything but passive).  Listening is so much more active!  Why do you think there's a business surrounding active listening.  It's called therapy :)

Would you like to know what one of the biggest secrets of therapy is?  I think one of the biggest secrets is that all therapeutic approaches (humanistic, cognitive behavioral, psychodynamic, rogerian, feminist multicultural, adlerian, existential, gestalt) are all the same!  Well, let me rephrase that a little...  When studies are done comparing the effectiveness of one therapy against another, little difference is found.  All therapeutic approaches have the same effectiveness.

Right now I have a mental image of a lightbulb over your head exploding into a million pieces.

Studies have shown that all of these different kind of therapies have a lot in common.  While they approach what treatment looks like, how change occurs, how one becomes ill and what specific techniques to use as treatment differently, there are many similarities.  I think one of the biggest amongst them is empathic listening.

Something that we frequently bring up in class is the phrase, "When all else fails, just listen."  Like I mentioned previously, this is active listening.  This is paying close attention to body language, vocal inflections, connotation, themes, emotions, and many other things.  From all of that information, our job as therapists is just to pick out what's relevant.  While this may be challenging at first given the torrent of information we are presented with at times, soon it becomes easier.

As I really engage with my clients, and begin pulling out what they're really trying to communicate, something magical happens!  The whole mood in the room changes.  Even with someone who is feeling very depressed (I know from my own experience being a client in therapy), the energy in the room picks up, even if it's just slightly.  The emphatic nodding of a client who feels understood, the huge flood of tears that opens up when you pick out what they're really saying, or the way their body just looks lighter when they leave your office.  It's all just beautiful.

Now I'm not saying that I am always an active listener.  That is definitely NOT the case.  Being an active listener is a skill that must be put to use and trained before it becomes habit.  I think our natural state is to multitask and to pay as little attention as is required, but still get enough to get the job done.

It's no wonder people get frustrated with other people.  When communicating, there isn't enough time taken to really process the information.  Only key phrases or words are picked out.  And especially with cyber communication, our hunches as to what those key words or phrases are can be way off.

Want to show people how good of a listener you are?  Seriously, you should try this!  You'll notice a huge difference.  Just summarize!  Sounds easy right?  Probably not as easy as you might first believe.

When actively listening, you gotta turn off that little voice inside your head that's thinking of what to say next, or pointing out flaws in their argument.  You have to LISTEN.  It seems like you have to think of what to say next in order to keep the conversation flowing, but that's really not the case.  After you hear what they have to say, summarize what they said.  Or maybe even not what they said, but what they were trying to communicate.  Once after listening to a client speak of her frustrations with friends of hers, all I said was, "It sounds like people just aren't getting it," to which she instantly began to cry.  So I didn't even summarize exactly what she said, I pulled out what she was actually trying to communicate.

Wow, a whole blog post about communication.  Now that's an interesting concept!

So the next time you read something, or hear something, and your brain starts going a mile a minute ready to take on their challenge, just stop for a moment.  Before you blast them, or tell them that you completely understand, make sure you actually know what they're trying to talk about.  I think you'll be surprised by how your conversations will change for the better.

And for those of you who like to pretend that everyone can read your mind, they can't!  In order for communication to be effective, you actually have to TELL people what's going on inside that delightful brain of yours!  I know I can be especially guilty of this.  People have enough going on inside their own heads to really concern themselves about what's going on in yours, unless you tell them what's going on.

Open up.  Listen.

Be Still

This morning I made an interesting discovery while I was in the shower.  No, it wasn't about that.....or that!  Are you gonna let me finish?  All right then. 

Sometimes I assume that since I am in the mental health profession, I know all there is to know about the process of recovery, and what works and what doesn't.  In all honesty, I do know a lot!  But at the same time, this can sometimes hinder my own progress when confronted with challenges.  Especially those of a more personal nature.

A few days ago, I was talking with a teacher of mine.  She had asked me how I was doing.  I know, and I know you do too, that there are times when people actually want to hear how you are, and when it's just said out of politeness.  I knew she was genuinely concerned.  Thank you for coming across my path that day.

I began to cry when she asked me that.  While I do feel that I am a fairly open, and honest person, there are certain things that are easier for me to open about.  For example, I can talk to you about depression until Titanic looks like the happy fairytale of the year.  But ask me to talk about grief, or anger?  Oh man, those are emotions that are locked up pretty tight in my dungeon.  I don't like it when those come out.

But grief is what surfaced when my professor asked me what was going on.  And the floodgates opened!  What was I grieving about?  Well, that's a bit of a longer story, but at that time, it was about Michael.

Many of you know that I was previously engaged.  Many of you may have also read that letter I wrote to myself.  That letter was incredibly therapeutic for me.  But I've now come to realize that wasn't the extent of my grieving.  Well, obviously not, but lemme finish.

Talking with my professor, we discovered two things that I hadn't ever really thought about before.  I told her how I longed for that intimate connection that I no longer have.  That connection with someone who knows you inside and out, with all of your flaws and loves you anyway.  But not only is there an intense emotional connection, there's the beautiful physical intimacy which just seems to grow as time, and emotions, run deeper.

She said, "Well Steven, for better or for worse, you now know what that feels like.  And now you crave it!  It's easy to understand why you would feel the way you do, now that you've tasted something so sweet and desirable.  Most people don't get a taste of that until they're older than you are.  So now I think the hardest part for you will be to wait.  On the other hand, the beautiful thing about it is now that you've tasted it, you'll know when you've found it again."

...wow!  Can I just say how wonderfully insightful my teachers are?  Thank goodness for some outside opinion and perspective.

As we continued talking, I realized something else.  This goes back to what I mentioned before, about knowing how to help myself, because I know how to help others.  I know what things to say to myself.  I know the mental processes.  I know the questions.  I know the introspection and the processing.  But what I hadn't connected before was how I was feeling.

I can, and have been processing day after day.  But my body doesn't want to process.  I feel stuck and immovable.  On a daily basis, it feels like I'm walking through thick mud.  Not only is it frustrating, but it's absolutely soul-suckingly exhausting!

My body is telling me that it's not ready to process, because I haven't given myself time to grieve.  There's a general heavy feeling in my chest, a tightness in my shoulders, and the pressure behind your eyes like you feel when you're going to cry.  Then there's that mental fatigue and having no drive or willpower to do anything beyond the bare minimum.  Thank goodness the semester is now over, because it was hard to push through!

This morning, before I hopped in the shower, I was feeling depressed.  At the time, I wasn't quite sure the reasoning behind it.  There are some days when I feel chemically depressed (I don't have anything going on to make me feel down, I just feel down), and then there are days when something has happened, or I am thinking over something that keeps dragging me down.  Today I thought I was chemically depressed.

And of course, my wonderfully insightful roommate had to ask, "Are you sure you don't know what's going on for you?"  Blast...foiled again!  I was thinking about my lost engagement.  I was thinking of how lonely I felt.  I was also thinking about turning into my psycho passive aggressive self to poke and prod for attention!  But I wasn't going to let that one happen.

So I created a space for myself.  I said, "Okay body, we need to have a little talk, because apparently you and my brain aren't getting along.  So can you wait until I finish my errands before duking it out?  Thank you."

And after finishing up everything, I hopped in the shower.  

I started things off by just allowing my body to do some talking.  Oh I know, I'm turning all "hippie" on you.  Mindfulness of my body has been something I've discovered lately to be very helpful.  So anyway, I asked it what it was feeling.  That pressure behind the eyes, and the fatigue began to emerge.  The more I allowed my brain to just be still, the more I found how much my body was hurting.  I was in pain!  There was so much going on that I hadn't even stopped to look at before!  Or maybe, more accurately, that I hadn't given myself permission to look at.

Then the therapy session started.  If my roommates are reading this, I apologize for any talking and/or yelling that you may have heard coming from my room.  It was all for the greater good of myself!

I let myself cry.  I did not try and hold it in, or distract myself.  I just let it come out.  Yes, it did definitely make a difference looking back, but holy hannah it hurt while I was doing it!  I started openly saying what was bothering me and why I was hurting.  I talked about that longing for true intimacy, the pressure I feel to just get over it, and the general feeling of being alone.

Then a really important question popped into my head.  I started, "There are two sorts of extremes going on inside myself.  When something good happens, I attribute it to luck, or circumstance, even if I was somehow involved.  When something bad happens, it's because I lack a certain attribute, or skill, or simply because I'm not good enough..."

"I also have this strange behavior of being kind, forgiving, loving, and respectful to others while at the same time I am rather critical of myself."

"No Steven, you are mean."

"Oh I'm not mean, I'm just trying to improve myself."

"No Steven, you are beyond trying to motivate yourself.  You have been cruel, mean, and hurtful to yourself, and I don't like this anymore."

"Others are feeling that deep love that you have.  You have the capacity for an incredible amount of empathy and understanding.  You aren't giving it to yourself."

"Steven, I deserve to feel love.  I deserve to have what other people around you are having.  I NEED to feel that you care for and appreciate me!  Please, just let me have this.  PLEASE!  Please...please..."

And this is where I just couldn't take it anymore.  The heartache I was feeling was tearing me apart.  I can imagine that from an outside perspective, this may have looked and sounded just a tad weird.

But I needed to hear that.  I needed to hear myself say that I deserve to feel that kind of love, kindness, understanding, and compassion that I so freely give to others.  I am tired of telling myself that the reason I lost Michael is because of some character flaw--that I wasn't enough in one way or another.  I had done absolutely nothing wrong and had given my whole heart!  There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Everything I am was put on the line and I had the most wonderful relationship I've ever had.  Just think about what else I can do if I throw myself into something.

I am not flawed.  Sure, I have my faults, and my strengths and weaknesses, but that does not mean that I am inherently broken.  One of the worst thoughts that creep into my mind is, "It's because you're broken..."  

Man that thought is so powerful and damaging!  And when I think about it, it's totally unrealistic too!  But when I'm already feeling down, it's hard to fight something with that much strength.

I want to give myself a break.  It's time to put away the process comments, and the other actions that take away from what I'm feeling.  

I don't need to do anything, except take care of myself.

I am worth it.