I'm Angry

I've been thinking that I need to write this blog post for some time now. It's really difficult for me to talk about, but I think it'll be healthier if I can at least try and get something out on paper.

I'm taking a family and couples counseling course this semester. While I am thoroughly enjoying the content of the course, there are parts that have been very difficult. As someone working in the mental health profession, I take a critical eye to most, if not every, aspect of my life. This is not just because I think too much, it's also a huge part of my profession.

Because of this, I have been taking a look at my family dynamics and social systems. It's really interesting when you start paying attention to the rules of a house that are never stated, but are understood. After talking with my brother last night, we knew that if there was a big problem, we talk to dad. If there was a small problem, we talk to mom. There are many other things that lie just below the surface of any family and I've learned so much and am so grateful for the family I do have.

A few weeks ago, I was at dinner at my parent's house. I go there for dinner every Sunday. I was speaking with my mother about someone who had recently been angry with me. At one point in the conversation, she said "We don't get angry". Interesting. I wouldn't have paid it much notice, had I not been studying family dynamics in my class. Then a week later, while speaking with my grandmother, she said "We think before we speak and don't get angry like that". Two in a row!

This is not meant as a post to blame or criticize or anything like that. This is just an exploratory piece. Even talking it over with my grandmother, she said not being angry was something she got from her parents as well. Unwritten rules get passed down!

I brought up this realization in my class. And I started to cry. It was very difficult for me to bring something like that to the surface.

I do not like feeling angry, and I do not like being with people who are angry. When someone is angry with me, I tend to shut down. I honestly just do not know how to process anger. I have a terrible fear that if I get angry, I won't be able to control it, and it'll lead to some sort of disaster.

Just a month or two ago, I was feeling really odd. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I knew I didn't like the feeling but couldn't piece it together. The more I thought about it, the more I began pinpointing the issue. I was angry. I was angry at my ex. There were some unresolved issues that I had and I needed closure. But I had no idea how to deal with the anger! I broke down and started crying, shaking quite a bit too. Needless to say, I did work through things with my ex, and it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Now, back to anger.

Even now, just staring at the computer screen, I am having an incredibly difficult time accessing my anger. I know it's there. There are things I get angry about! But as my therapist pointed out to me this week, when I get angry, instead of expressing it outwardly, I flip it around and aim it at myself.

If someone is insulting to me, instead of getting mad and defending myself, I take it in. When one of my previous boyfriends would emotionally attack me for something I didn't do, I felt angry, but it immediately turned into self-blame and sadness. When I approach someone in an effort to strike up a conversation, and they completely ignore me, I base it on my lack of certain qualities, instead of on their jerky behavior. If I have a failure, I take it in. If I get frustrated with someone, I punish myself over and over again and get sad. Even if I strongly voice my opinion, I get down on myself. Being sad is easy to access for me. Being mad is not.

Gah! I still can't get in myself and bring this out! At this point I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

I do believe it is possible for people to express anger in a very healthy way. I have not learned that skill. I also believe that being angry isn't inherently "bad" or "good", I think how I express it can be good or bad. But again, gotta learn that skill first.

I guess right now there are just a few things for certain. I get angry. That is for sure! There's just a bit of a disconnect between the feeling, and the communicating of it. I'm going to continue to focus on the reasons why I get angry. I've noticed a few things, but I'm looking for a commonality between all of them. I think if I can find the commonality, I may be able to find a healthy way of expressing my anger.

A Letter to Myself

I haven't exactly decided how I'm going to do this, and I'm not even sure how long this is going to take. It's been a while in the making, but I've honestly been avoiding writing this. I suppose now is as good a time as any. I've decided to make this blog post in the form of me writing a letter to myself, almost as a third party observer. Here goes:

 My Dearest Steven,

I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. I'm sure no words of mine can express the amount of pain and sorrow that you feel at this moment. I'm sure there have been many that have offered their sincerest condolences. And while this provides you with a sort of stability, I know you have to suffer through this alone. But I wanted to write to you and let you know how much I care for you.

Looking at you from the outside, everything seemed so perfect. For you, everything was falling into place. Your family has been so perfectly wonderful with you. Your friends have been fantastically supportive. You are more than excelling in your grad school program. I'm sure for many, this is what it probably looked like.

I don't know the exact reason why things ended between you and your fiancé. I'm sure you've struggled with those questions yourself. The important thing to remember is that all is not lost, all is not over, and there is so much to be learned from your experiences!

Let me tell you about the growth I've seen in you: you've become more patient, less sarcastic, more loving, more open, a better communicator, a better son and brother, a better friend, you appreciate the little things more, you've found more of a control over your own destiny, you're happier, you're healthier, and just overall, you're a better person.

I'm pretty sure I just saw you roll your eyes at me through the letter. Those things I said are true! I know...it's hard to believe that kind of stuff when you're just sitting there reading this, and especially when you're feeling so self-conscious you can hardly stand to look at yourself. Remember, these things do pass.

You yourself know from countless hours of studying that emotions are never permanent. Sure, sometimes they last longer than other times. And yes, I would dare say you've had your fair share of painful emotions. But those experiences too, have long since disappeared and now you can view them and take all the good, and leave behind all the bad.

Give yourself a break, Steven. Please do! You and your ex are two completely different people. Don't look at him and just see what's on the outside. You know that people put on brave faces, as I know you've been trying to do for this past little while. If I were to look at you now, to read your Facebook posts, to give you a call or shoot you a text, I'd say you're doing pretty fantastically well! I remember your first break up, and let's just say that I'm glad I don't have to wait days for that couch to dry again (ya know...all the tears).

Also, it's time to stop viewing yourself as the lower of two people in a relationship. I know you. When you come across someone you have a crush on, you automatically think to yourself "I'm so lucky that he likes me..." or something of that nature. Knock it off! You are beautiful and amazing just the way you are. Sometimes I want to grab your shoulders and give you shaken-steven-syndrome so that I can knock some sense into you!

Do you know what you have to offer? Let me try to give you an idea: you own your own home, you own a car, you are in grad school (at 24 years old), you have a 4.0 in grad school, you have many friends, you love the symphony, you appreciate the arts, you can see the beauty in others that many miss, you push to improve yourself, you seek good and uplifting things and people, you refrain from viewing vulgar or trashy things on television, you're funny, you have a great smile, you are SO cute, you have an incredible ability to listen, you feel things deeper than most, you have a great job, you love to read, you are musically gifted, you have a great sense of style, you make people feel welcome in your home, you know how to cheer people up, you can empathize with others, you are sincere, you are spiritual, and most importantly of all, I like you just the way you are.

I could continue, but I'd rather not give you a big head (plus I know your readers might get bored). So give it up Steven. You never have been, nor are lesser than anyone out there. You are incredible! So BE incredible! Don't hide what you have. Be confident in yourself, and in your wonderful qualities.

Ya you're single, but so what? Being single does not make you any less of a person. Knowing you, you'll get to the point where you don't even care about finding a relationship, and I have a feeling that that's when you'll find the man of your dreams. Yes, your ideal man is probably pretty hard to find. But hey, you're worth the wait.

Love Always,

Steven

Get it Out!

I'm not really planning on posting this anywhere, and I'm not really sure who's going to read it. All I know is that I'm having a really hard time right now and I know that sometimes typing helps me work through things in my head.

As it seems right now, I don't have anyone to talk to. Granted, I am in that state of being where I have put up a barrier to keep people away from me. This barrier is some weird ritual I seem to do. Anytime someone gets too close, up come the walls.

A lot of people have asked me about that idea. They wonder if I have such a hard time letting people in, why am I sometimes so incredibly vocal on the internet? Well, I know it can seem like a paradox. I have to admit that I enjoy stirring the pot, poking fun at tradition, or just reading the sound of my own voice after I type stuff (like I'm doing right now). But honestly, it's much easier for me to open up to strangers than it is to open up to those close to me.

Just follow me for a second: what's the worst a stranger could do if I opened up to them? Probably raise their eyebrows and tell me I'm crazy (which my friends do anyway so it's not like a shock to my system) and walk away. I can handle that! What I can't handle, and what's happened to me many times in the past, is when I open up to someone I'm close to, and the next thing I know, they are condemning me and walking away. It hurts. It really does.

So here I am, stuck with all these thoughts that I'm trying to sort through and I don't have someone to talk it through with. In my mind, the people I usually talk to have heard it all before, and now they don't care. But, I'll try and get these thoughts out here.

I have never had the awful misfortune of losing an entire support group. Sure I've lost friends and acquaintances, but losing an entire system of love and comfort would be terrible. Well, I should be honest and say that I hadn't lost one until recently.

I identify a lot of my cultural upbringing as being a Mormon. What I thought was a very good one too. And now, I don't have that. I have "chosen" to be gay and live a different lifestyle (like anyone would choose to have all this crap happen to them...), and as such, I am no longer welcome in my religion.

It's an incredibly bizarre feeling. Sure I have my own beliefs, but no one who shares them. I no longer have Mormon doctrine being drilled into my head every week. I don't have people who come visit me once a month, or who care if I come to FHE. There is no bishop who asks me how I'm doing, with a genuine interest in my well-being. Not only have I lost people to support me, I have lost my theological background.

I was overcome the other day with a terrifying feeling of death. Not exactly the process of dying, but what happens after. While I was still practicing, I had an idea of what's going to happen after I die. And I do still now as well. But at the same time, nobody *actually* knows. No one. People have ideas, but there is no absolute knowledge of exactly what is going to happen. That thought was incredibly intrusive, and I feel like I have moved on from that moment of terror, but it might come back and send me for a loop again.

Not only that, but I have come to the realization that I am alone. I am completely alone. There is no one out there who completely understands me, who can pick me up, and who can help me. That is one of the toughest things I have faced.

And I am so incredibly tired. This is not the tired where I want to take a nap. This is a tired that feels like my soul is aching. It's as if I have carried around a terrible weight all these years and I've collapsed and can't get up. I hurt so much at times, that I can barely stand it. I don't want to push to be happy, I don't want to fight this depression, I don't want to overcome the downright awful things say to me and about me, and I don't want to get back up again. I'm tired! And there is seemingly no rest for me...

So I've been facing quite a few existential issues lately. I seem to have lost a lot of purpose in my life. I've lost my support group, and I seem to be losing my identity as well. I don't know what to do, honestly.

Yes I've thought about going back to therapy (there's a conflict with me being a patient in the same place I will be practicing therapy next year), and I have been reaching out to others. Which brings up another painful realization for me. People don't call me. I call them. If I want to do something, I invite lots of people. I can't even recall the last time someone called or texted to ask if I wanted to go out somewhere and do something. Am I really that terrible of a person that people can't stand to be around me? What did I do? My boyfriend gets calls pretty much every day to go do something. I sit at home alone.

I guess the overall message I'm trying to get across (and here come those blasted tears), I want to feel valued. I want to feel loved. I want to feel support. Most importantly, I want to feel happy. I don't think people understand how hard I fight to be happy. I want it SO badly that I can just feel myself screaming on the inside. But it just seems to be forever out of my reach.