The Beginning of Something Different

I've been thinking over the past little while what I would like to say regarding the beginning of a new year.  I could go into great detail about my marriage, honeymoon, subsequent legal marriage when discrimination in my state was struck down (woo!), or just talk about my life.  But some things that have stuck out to me recently have made me focus on one thing: me.

Ha!  I'm sure some of you got a smile out of that one.  I act fairly conceited at times.  Honestly, it's something that I used to do to help my self-confidence, and I've sort of adapted it into my personality!  I love to joke about how awesome I am, or things of that nature.  Well, I don't have to joke...I am awesome.

I've recently began my internship as a therapist and there's one thing that I notice in myself, as well as my clients almost on a daily basis.  We care about those around us.  I'm almost certain that anyone who is actually a complete narcissist has no cares whatsoever about the people around them!  And some of the reasons people get hurt the most is because of the actions/reactions of others.

I know that for me, if there's a situation where a friendship is at stake, I do almost everything in my power to fix the issue.  Now this can sometimes come at a cost to my own feelings and well-being.  This happened again recently, and instead of doing my regular thing where I would grovel, or apologize incessantly for things that were out of my control, I stopped.  I don't need to do that.  I don't need to take responsibility for the actions of others, and I ESPECIALLY don't have to take responsibility for how others react to me.

Now, I do have to add a little caveat to that last part of that last paragraph.  I'll try to explain it to make it a little clearer.  Obviously, if I'm acting inappropriately or being a complete wretch, I do have to take some responsibility for how those around me react.  But for an example, let's say that I'm having a really rough day.  I could go about dropping hints (more about this later) to my bad mood and hope that someone comes and rescues me.  Or I could simply tell a friend that I'm having a rough day and ask them if they wouldn't mind coming over and keeping me company.  

How they choose to react to that request is their business.  Whenever you pose a question, the other person ALWAYS has the choice to say no.  So if you really don't want someone to have that choice, don't turn what you're saying into a question... 

Now if I was having a rough day because of something that friend said or did, and I chose to express that to them, I still have no control over their reaction.  I would hope that in order to preserve our friendship, we could work together to clear up any misunderstanding that may have occurred from either of us.  But that friend still has the choice of getting upset and refusing to listen to anything further I have to say, or getting defensive and turning it into a fight.

I've seen conversations go both ways.  And this is where myself and a lot of my clients come in.  We keep things to ourselves.  We hold hurt feelings deep inside, and we don't let them go.  They fester, they grow, and pretty soon, our emotions are completely blown out of proportion to the incident.  It's difficult to take that first step in discussing emotions with someone you trust, because you know there's a chance it could get out of hand!  Not to mention that we live in a culture that glorifies fixing things (and not talking about them), getting things done alone, and not seeming emotionally vulnerable.  It all leads to a boiling mess!

So sometimes we try and drop hints.  I hate to break it to everyone, and this includes myself, but human beings are just awful when it comes to getting hints.  We don't get them.  As much as I wish I could, I'm still not a mind-reader.  Even with studying human behavior, there is no way you can sit and go through all the possibilities that someone is trying to get at with their dropped hints.  Plus we just don't have the time.  So stop trying to drop hints!  It doesn't work.  No, for real.  There are studies.

People like my clients and myself can go through life not wanting to ruffle feathers.  We don't want anyone to think we're a burden, or to see us weak, or to drag someone's mood down.  We come up with plenty of excuses to not talk to people when we're hurting.  And I don't much care for that.

That's why I'm beginning to focus on me.  I like to give this analogy to clients who choose to put their own needs aside: imagine you're viewing a cliff.  Someone you care about is at the bottom of the cliff.  There is no way for them to get up that rock face by themselves.  Would you rather be at the top of that cliff, or the bottom to help them?

I would rather be at the top, and here's why: there's so much more I can do for them at the top of the cliff!  I can throw down a rope, I can coach them up, I can tell them about another path, I can encourage them to keep trying, or so many other things.  If I'm at the bottom, I could try and lift them on my shoulders but if that cliff is more than 12 feet high, that's not going to work.  I couldn't give them advice because I'm stuck there too.  In order for me to help others, I have to be taking care of myself first.

Oh man, did you feel that guilt just creep in?  Our culture places so many demands on us.  I know that here, it is pretty much expected that you drop what you're doing to help others.  If not, you may be seen quite negatively.  But here's where my resolution kicks in.  I don't have to take responsibility for how I am seen by others.  How they view me is really none of my business!  If I've been doing things to put myself in a centered place, and I stumble upon someone who could use a helping hand, of course I'll help.  But if someone's in a deep hole, and I have no reserves left to give out, I may not be any help to them.  I may end up getting pulled in, and then we're both just stuck together.  That isn't to say that I don't want to give company to those who are feeling lost or stuck.  That's part of empathy: sitting in those crappy feelings together!  But if I have no reserves left, we'll both end up trapped.  And rather than me being up at the top, I'm lost at the bottom.

Do you see where I'm going with this?  It's not selfish to take care of yourself.  I've seen people time and time again suffer because they put the needs of others in front of their own.  Just to be clear, I'm not implying that we should all take on a view of hedonism.  We are much better prepared to help those around us, if we are in a good place.

So I summarized my New Year's resolution into one phrase: I'm going to be more active and less reactive.

If I need to, I will make my needs known, I will take better care of myself (in whatever form that may be in the moment), I will fill my life with what I know makes me happy, and I will cut out what is toxic.

Four Years!

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote in my blog!  There have definitely been times where I thought, "oh man these thoughts need to go into my blog," but they never did.  Shame on me for not sharing my infinite wisdom with my adoring fans.  I shall have to do better than that.

I also can't believe that four years ago from Sunday, I came out.  Well, that's when I came out publicly.  And what better way to do it, than to broadcast it on Facebook for all the world to see!  I still stand by how I came out publicly.  I had previously come out to family and close friends, so I wasn't being a horrible person by using technology...maybe...but anyway!  I never would've expected my life to turn out how it is right now.

Let's have an update: I'm engaged to a MAN, I work at the Utah Pride Center, I've started my own group in Provo supporting the LGBTQ community, and that's just things surrounding my outward place in the community!  There have been so many other things that have gone in my life.

I think the biggest thing for me over the last four years is my sense of self.  No longer am I totally controlled by outside forces.  Notice that I said "totally controlled".  I still accept influence from others.  But that's the giant difference!  I accept influence, rather than being acted upon.  What a novel concept!  I honestly don't think I would've understood that concept four years ago.  Back then, my world was the perceptions of others.

I was just about to say, "who I am has vastly changed" but I don't think that would be an accurate statement.  I think to many people around me, who I am may seem different, but looking at it myself, who I am is who I've always wanted to be.  I am slowly discovering my true self and embracing it!

I don't think it's possible to ever understand absolutely everything about yourself.  I think it's a never-ending journey.  There are always little nuances and intricacies that wiggle their way to the surface.  It's a fun and fascinating journey!  At least it has been for me.

For those that new me four years ago, and look at me now, I think I know what the biggest change they've seen is: happiness.  My happiness has increased exponentially since coming out!

I was fortunate enough to talk with a friend on the train today.  I knew her back in...2008 to 2009 I believe.  So pretty close to when I first came out publicly.  As we were getting off the train, she asked me, "So really, how are you?".

I haven't given that question much thought as of late.  For those of you who don't know this, I have a big pet peeve around the question, "How are you?" as people are passing.  It's basically being used today as, "hi" or "sup".  I've taken my own personal challenge to actually say how I'm feeling when asked this question.  I dare say it's been a pretty fun experience!  Ha!  People don't really expect you to answer honestly.

Ok, off my rant.  I really thought about that question tonight.  I am really doing well!  I am doing far better than I ever was when I was back in the closet.  I am happier, healthier, friendlier, more kind, sensitive, and more willing to risk new friendships than ever before.  This has lead to a huge increase in my love for others, and the love for myself.  I've started to see what I have to offer the world, and how grateful I am for what the world has given to me.

I think there is some explaining in order.  When I first came out, I said that I was going to stay in the church.  I'm sure there are some other things that I said in there that some people might now accuse me of not doing.  I'm sure friends have whispered quietly (or perhaps they have better things to whisper about than my personal life), wondering what's going on in my brain.  Well, let's take a peek shall we?

First on the agenda, my relationship with the LDS church.  I grew up in it.  It is a part of who I am, and I will never forget or forsake or even regret where I came from.  I have been taught so many wonderful life lessons about love, sacrifice, kindness, endurance, and peace from the church.  I would not give those up for any reason.

And lemme tell you, I still have a spiritual side.  I can feel those same wonderful feelings I felt while in church as I do listening to a beautiful piece of music, or seeing the earth in its natural beauty, or even while sharing my love and care for a friend.  These are the same feelings!  I've just found them in different places.

Also, how I've chosen to follow what I was taught has changed.  Let me tell you something friends, and especially my friends who can be overbearing with their sensibilities...the church teaches you to ask questions.  Believe it or not, it really does!  Unfortunately, some of that has been turned around.  There are times when people might say, "oh, don't question that.  Just keep doing such and such and you will know it's right in the future..."

Well that might be all well and good but it's not the true teachings of the church!  The church has taught through its leaders and its scriptures to seek KNOWLEDGE (that means stuff outside the religion too), and also to look through holy books, as well as to ASK if it is right.  That means, you look up stuff, you do research, you look up scientific journals, you ponder what feels right in your heart, you think of what Jesus would do, you read through religious texts of many sorts, and then you ask.

I did that.  I did it with a few things.  The first thing that I did it with was how I was living as a closeted gay man.  I fought harder than I ever have before to receive an answer.  I researched, I prayed, I fasted, I did all those things I had been told to do in my church.  And do you know what happened?  I received an answer, just like I was told I would.  My answer wasn't a loud voice proclaiming truth.  It was a feeling of peace, and a direction for my life.  The direction I was told was to live authentically and that it would all work out in the end.

I followed what I was told.  Any of you who dare think or say that I'm just doing this out of the blue, or even that it is a choice, are fools!  I followed your doctrine, I received an answer, and I followed my feelings.  And I've never been happier.

Now, how I've chosen to live my spiritual life is a little different, but the principles are very much the same.  The church teaches to follow that which makes you happy, right?  It teaches that anything lovely, or of good report, and so on and on, you should go after.  I have taken this to mean that anything that makes my life happier, more wondrous, more fun, and doesn't hurt anyone else, is a good thing.

So I've changed my behavior.  I date boys!  Shocking, I know...actually, I'm engaged to a wonderful man as I type this!  Well, that's because, like I said earlier, I received my answer, and also, I'm happier, my life is more wondrous and fun, and I'm not hurting anyone else.  I'm sorry, but if my relationship with a man somehow destroys your religious foundation, you must've had a pretty weak foundation to begin with.

I also drink.  Gasp!  I know!  The most horrible evil of all evils!  Alcohol is of the devil!  Well, not in my experience.  I've always been a firm believer in the idea that too much of a good thing, is probably too much.  Moderation is a fantastic idea, and is taught by the church as well.  Hey hey, look at that!  So I decided to try alcohol.

Actually, funny story, the first time I tried alcohol was an accident.  It was an extremely minty drink, so I didn't even know it had alcohol because it was covered by the mint taste.  After I realized what I was drinking, I did the sensible thing.  I let my boyfriend know at the time that I was drinking, and that I wanted him to drive home afterwards.  I drank another cup of the drink, until I started feeling a little fuzzy in my thinking.  I'm smart enough to know that that's what being drunk feels like, even prior to drinking.  And I stopped!

Imagine my surprise when the world didn't come to an end!  I had an absolute blast!  I wasn't crude, I didn't fall over, pass out, or throw up.  I was a more exuberant, fun, and wondrous me!  And it felt great!  So I've continued to drink occasionally.  Guess what? I've still never been drunk enough to pass out, to get a DUI, to throw up, or to make a total ass of myself.  So I plan on continuing to drink occasionally.

I know that might come as a shock to some, but that's me people.  Oh, I suppose because I did that, I probably smoke now, and do drugs, and all that other good stuff.  Surprise coming...NOPE!  I don't do any of that actually!  Do you know why?  It's because for me, it is not lovely, or of good report, and I've seen what it could do to me and those I care about.  So, following my own prescription of asking questions, I came to the conclusion that those things weren't right for me.  And here I am not doing them and still being happy.

I never would've imagined that me being happy, was actually about ME.  Just follow me for a second.  What I thought was happiness, was actually a prescription BY other people FOR other people.  It wasn't for me.  It was a general recipe for what makes a certain group of people feel happy.  And, just so you know my Mormon friends, you are a MINORITY, in the big wide world.  It just so happens that I live in Utah where the church seems like an all-encompassing entity.

I fight for the rights of my LDS friends.  Do you know why?  It's because I hope, and pray that as I fight for what they believe in, and what makes them happy, that they in turn will fight for what I believe in and what makes me happy.

Sadly, some of my best friends have chosen not to support me in my marriage.  I'm not entirely sure why they have done so.  I don't know what they are trying to prove.  I don't know if their religious identity will shatter if they attend a gay wedding.  I honestly don't know because they haven't chosen to tell me.

I say to them, if you have HONESTLY done everything that I talked about earlier (prayer, research, listening to feelings, thinking of what Jesus would do, searching your soul, etc.), and you come to the conclusion that you shouldn't attend my wedding, or be supportive of me, then you shouldn't.  Because if all of those things tell you that you shouldn't, it's probably not the right thing for you.  And I accept that, and I accept you as you are.  Just as I hope you do of me.

I love you guys, and am so grateful for the support that I have received.  I am surrounded by wonderful people.  I have a wonderful life.  I know who I am.  I know that I am happy, and I know that I am in love.  No one can take those feelings away from me or tell me that they are less of the "real" things.  Nope!  I'm authentic, and I'm living as I've been taught.  I've received the answers I have, and I know they're the right ones for me.

May everyone find authenticity, and true happiness.

Listen

There are times when people tease me about what I'm choosing to do for a living.  I even tease myself!  The more I study and dedicate myself to my craft, the more I realize there is no such thing as sanity, that many issues seen as black and white are hardly so, and that listening is a lost art.  That's right, simply hearing what someone has to say is somewhat gone with the times!

Have you looked at how we communicate with each other?  A large chunk of it is cyber communication in the form of emails, messages, texting, Facebook, and I'm sure there are plenty of others that I'm leaving out.  These forms of communication all leave out a critical detail: subtext.  We as humans communicate the majority of what we have to say through HOW we say something, not what we have to say.

So as we read an email, or a text message, we're missing a huge chunk of what is actually being said.  A simple one-word phrase like, "Right," could be interpreted many different ways!  If you're like me, it sounds like, "riiiiiight," but it could also be affirming, positive, negative, neutral, sarcastic, or a multitude of other things!

And if you're also like me, sometimes it's easier to communicate via cyber communication.  There are times when I've crossed my fingers that someone would not answer their phone so that I could just leave a message.  Or times when I would rather carry out a conversation over text than in person.  How sad for myself to choose to miss out on the beautiful intricacies of verbal communication for something trite.

Glancing over Internet message boards, Facebook posts, and listening to what people come into therapy for, there is a general theme amongst them.  All they want is to be heard.  At least that's what I'm getting from everything.  Sure there are those "trolls" who just go around trying to stir up trouble, and there are individuals who will stop at nothing but try and convince others of their stupid way of dealing with issues.  But for the most part, all I see is a genuine desire to be heard.

In the voice of Scrooge, "Well poppycock, surely people can still hear.  Their ears are still attached, words are still inscribed, other men are still responding!"

Yes this is all very true.  But when was the last time you really heard someone.  This isn't something passive like listening to music (although when I listen to music it's anything but passive).  Listening is so much more active!  Why do you think there's a business surrounding active listening.  It's called therapy :)

Would you like to know what one of the biggest secrets of therapy is?  I think one of the biggest secrets is that all therapeutic approaches (humanistic, cognitive behavioral, psychodynamic, rogerian, feminist multicultural, adlerian, existential, gestalt) are all the same!  Well, let me rephrase that a little...  When studies are done comparing the effectiveness of one therapy against another, little difference is found.  All therapeutic approaches have the same effectiveness.

Right now I have a mental image of a lightbulb over your head exploding into a million pieces.

Studies have shown that all of these different kind of therapies have a lot in common.  While they approach what treatment looks like, how change occurs, how one becomes ill and what specific techniques to use as treatment differently, there are many similarities.  I think one of the biggest amongst them is empathic listening.

Something that we frequently bring up in class is the phrase, "When all else fails, just listen."  Like I mentioned previously, this is active listening.  This is paying close attention to body language, vocal inflections, connotation, themes, emotions, and many other things.  From all of that information, our job as therapists is just to pick out what's relevant.  While this may be challenging at first given the torrent of information we are presented with at times, soon it becomes easier.

As I really engage with my clients, and begin pulling out what they're really trying to communicate, something magical happens!  The whole mood in the room changes.  Even with someone who is feeling very depressed (I know from my own experience being a client in therapy), the energy in the room picks up, even if it's just slightly.  The emphatic nodding of a client who feels understood, the huge flood of tears that opens up when you pick out what they're really saying, or the way their body just looks lighter when they leave your office.  It's all just beautiful.

Now I'm not saying that I am always an active listener.  That is definitely NOT the case.  Being an active listener is a skill that must be put to use and trained before it becomes habit.  I think our natural state is to multitask and to pay as little attention as is required, but still get enough to get the job done.

It's no wonder people get frustrated with other people.  When communicating, there isn't enough time taken to really process the information.  Only key phrases or words are picked out.  And especially with cyber communication, our hunches as to what those key words or phrases are can be way off.

Want to show people how good of a listener you are?  Seriously, you should try this!  You'll notice a huge difference.  Just summarize!  Sounds easy right?  Probably not as easy as you might first believe.

When actively listening, you gotta turn off that little voice inside your head that's thinking of what to say next, or pointing out flaws in their argument.  You have to LISTEN.  It seems like you have to think of what to say next in order to keep the conversation flowing, but that's really not the case.  After you hear what they have to say, summarize what they said.  Or maybe even not what they said, but what they were trying to communicate.  Once after listening to a client speak of her frustrations with friends of hers, all I said was, "It sounds like people just aren't getting it," to which she instantly began to cry.  So I didn't even summarize exactly what she said, I pulled out what she was actually trying to communicate.

Wow, a whole blog post about communication.  Now that's an interesting concept!

So the next time you read something, or hear something, and your brain starts going a mile a minute ready to take on their challenge, just stop for a moment.  Before you blast them, or tell them that you completely understand, make sure you actually know what they're trying to talk about.  I think you'll be surprised by how your conversations will change for the better.

And for those of you who like to pretend that everyone can read your mind, they can't!  In order for communication to be effective, you actually have to TELL people what's going on inside that delightful brain of yours!  I know I can be especially guilty of this.  People have enough going on inside their own heads to really concern themselves about what's going on in yours, unless you tell them what's going on.

Open up.  Listen.

Be Still

This morning I made an interesting discovery while I was in the shower.  No, it wasn't about that.....or that!  Are you gonna let me finish?  All right then. 

Sometimes I assume that since I am in the mental health profession, I know all there is to know about the process of recovery, and what works and what doesn't.  In all honesty, I do know a lot!  But at the same time, this can sometimes hinder my own progress when confronted with challenges.  Especially those of a more personal nature.

A few days ago, I was talking with a teacher of mine.  She had asked me how I was doing.  I know, and I know you do too, that there are times when people actually want to hear how you are, and when it's just said out of politeness.  I knew she was genuinely concerned.  Thank you for coming across my path that day.

I began to cry when she asked me that.  While I do feel that I am a fairly open, and honest person, there are certain things that are easier for me to open about.  For example, I can talk to you about depression until Titanic looks like the happy fairytale of the year.  But ask me to talk about grief, or anger?  Oh man, those are emotions that are locked up pretty tight in my dungeon.  I don't like it when those come out.

But grief is what surfaced when my professor asked me what was going on.  And the floodgates opened!  What was I grieving about?  Well, that's a bit of a longer story, but at that time, it was about Michael.

Many of you know that I was previously engaged.  Many of you may have also read that letter I wrote to myself.  That letter was incredibly therapeutic for me.  But I've now come to realize that wasn't the extent of my grieving.  Well, obviously not, but lemme finish.

Talking with my professor, we discovered two things that I hadn't ever really thought about before.  I told her how I longed for that intimate connection that I no longer have.  That connection with someone who knows you inside and out, with all of your flaws and loves you anyway.  But not only is there an intense emotional connection, there's the beautiful physical intimacy which just seems to grow as time, and emotions, run deeper.

She said, "Well Steven, for better or for worse, you now know what that feels like.  And now you crave it!  It's easy to understand why you would feel the way you do, now that you've tasted something so sweet and desirable.  Most people don't get a taste of that until they're older than you are.  So now I think the hardest part for you will be to wait.  On the other hand, the beautiful thing about it is now that you've tasted it, you'll know when you've found it again."

...wow!  Can I just say how wonderfully insightful my teachers are?  Thank goodness for some outside opinion and perspective.

As we continued talking, I realized something else.  This goes back to what I mentioned before, about knowing how to help myself, because I know how to help others.  I know what things to say to myself.  I know the mental processes.  I know the questions.  I know the introspection and the processing.  But what I hadn't connected before was how I was feeling.

I can, and have been processing day after day.  But my body doesn't want to process.  I feel stuck and immovable.  On a daily basis, it feels like I'm walking through thick mud.  Not only is it frustrating, but it's absolutely soul-suckingly exhausting!

My body is telling me that it's not ready to process, because I haven't given myself time to grieve.  There's a general heavy feeling in my chest, a tightness in my shoulders, and the pressure behind your eyes like you feel when you're going to cry.  Then there's that mental fatigue and having no drive or willpower to do anything beyond the bare minimum.  Thank goodness the semester is now over, because it was hard to push through!

This morning, before I hopped in the shower, I was feeling depressed.  At the time, I wasn't quite sure the reasoning behind it.  There are some days when I feel chemically depressed (I don't have anything going on to make me feel down, I just feel down), and then there are days when something has happened, or I am thinking over something that keeps dragging me down.  Today I thought I was chemically depressed.

And of course, my wonderfully insightful roommate had to ask, "Are you sure you don't know what's going on for you?"  Blast...foiled again!  I was thinking about my lost engagement.  I was thinking of how lonely I felt.  I was also thinking about turning into my psycho passive aggressive self to poke and prod for attention!  But I wasn't going to let that one happen.

So I created a space for myself.  I said, "Okay body, we need to have a little talk, because apparently you and my brain aren't getting along.  So can you wait until I finish my errands before duking it out?  Thank you."

And after finishing up everything, I hopped in the shower.  

I started things off by just allowing my body to do some talking.  Oh I know, I'm turning all "hippie" on you.  Mindfulness of my body has been something I've discovered lately to be very helpful.  So anyway, I asked it what it was feeling.  That pressure behind the eyes, and the fatigue began to emerge.  The more I allowed my brain to just be still, the more I found how much my body was hurting.  I was in pain!  There was so much going on that I hadn't even stopped to look at before!  Or maybe, more accurately, that I hadn't given myself permission to look at.

Then the therapy session started.  If my roommates are reading this, I apologize for any talking and/or yelling that you may have heard coming from my room.  It was all for the greater good of myself!

I let myself cry.  I did not try and hold it in, or distract myself.  I just let it come out.  Yes, it did definitely make a difference looking back, but holy hannah it hurt while I was doing it!  I started openly saying what was bothering me and why I was hurting.  I talked about that longing for true intimacy, the pressure I feel to just get over it, and the general feeling of being alone.

Then a really important question popped into my head.  I started, "There are two sorts of extremes going on inside myself.  When something good happens, I attribute it to luck, or circumstance, even if I was somehow involved.  When something bad happens, it's because I lack a certain attribute, or skill, or simply because I'm not good enough..."

"I also have this strange behavior of being kind, forgiving, loving, and respectful to others while at the same time I am rather critical of myself."

"No Steven, you are mean."

"Oh I'm not mean, I'm just trying to improve myself."

"No Steven, you are beyond trying to motivate yourself.  You have been cruel, mean, and hurtful to yourself, and I don't like this anymore."

"Others are feeling that deep love that you have.  You have the capacity for an incredible amount of empathy and understanding.  You aren't giving it to yourself."

"Steven, I deserve to feel love.  I deserve to have what other people around you are having.  I NEED to feel that you care for and appreciate me!  Please, just let me have this.  PLEASE!  Please...please..."

And this is where I just couldn't take it anymore.  The heartache I was feeling was tearing me apart.  I can imagine that from an outside perspective, this may have looked and sounded just a tad weird.

But I needed to hear that.  I needed to hear myself say that I deserve to feel that kind of love, kindness, understanding, and compassion that I so freely give to others.  I am tired of telling myself that the reason I lost Michael is because of some character flaw--that I wasn't enough in one way or another.  I had done absolutely nothing wrong and had given my whole heart!  There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Everything I am was put on the line and I had the most wonderful relationship I've ever had.  Just think about what else I can do if I throw myself into something.

I am not flawed.  Sure, I have my faults, and my strengths and weaknesses, but that does not mean that I am inherently broken.  One of the worst thoughts that creep into my mind is, "It's because you're broken..."  

Man that thought is so powerful and damaging!  And when I think about it, it's totally unrealistic too!  But when I'm already feeling down, it's hard to fight something with that much strength.

I want to give myself a break.  It's time to put away the process comments, and the other actions that take away from what I'm feeling.  

I don't need to do anything, except take care of myself.

I am worth it.

I'm Angry

I've been thinking that I need to write this blog post for some time now. It's really difficult for me to talk about, but I think it'll be healthier if I can at least try and get something out on paper.

I'm taking a family and couples counseling course this semester. While I am thoroughly enjoying the content of the course, there are parts that have been very difficult. As someone working in the mental health profession, I take a critical eye to most, if not every, aspect of my life. This is not just because I think too much, it's also a huge part of my profession.

Because of this, I have been taking a look at my family dynamics and social systems. It's really interesting when you start paying attention to the rules of a house that are never stated, but are understood. After talking with my brother last night, we knew that if there was a big problem, we talk to dad. If there was a small problem, we talk to mom. There are many other things that lie just below the surface of any family and I've learned so much and am so grateful for the family I do have.

A few weeks ago, I was at dinner at my parent's house. I go there for dinner every Sunday. I was speaking with my mother about someone who had recently been angry with me. At one point in the conversation, she said "We don't get angry". Interesting. I wouldn't have paid it much notice, had I not been studying family dynamics in my class. Then a week later, while speaking with my grandmother, she said "We think before we speak and don't get angry like that". Two in a row!

This is not meant as a post to blame or criticize or anything like that. This is just an exploratory piece. Even talking it over with my grandmother, she said not being angry was something she got from her parents as well. Unwritten rules get passed down!

I brought up this realization in my class. And I started to cry. It was very difficult for me to bring something like that to the surface.

I do not like feeling angry, and I do not like being with people who are angry. When someone is angry with me, I tend to shut down. I honestly just do not know how to process anger. I have a terrible fear that if I get angry, I won't be able to control it, and it'll lead to some sort of disaster.

Just a month or two ago, I was feeling really odd. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I knew I didn't like the feeling but couldn't piece it together. The more I thought about it, the more I began pinpointing the issue. I was angry. I was angry at my ex. There were some unresolved issues that I had and I needed closure. But I had no idea how to deal with the anger! I broke down and started crying, shaking quite a bit too. Needless to say, I did work through things with my ex, and it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Now, back to anger.

Even now, just staring at the computer screen, I am having an incredibly difficult time accessing my anger. I know it's there. There are things I get angry about! But as my therapist pointed out to me this week, when I get angry, instead of expressing it outwardly, I flip it around and aim it at myself.

If someone is insulting to me, instead of getting mad and defending myself, I take it in. When one of my previous boyfriends would emotionally attack me for something I didn't do, I felt angry, but it immediately turned into self-blame and sadness. When I approach someone in an effort to strike up a conversation, and they completely ignore me, I base it on my lack of certain qualities, instead of on their jerky behavior. If I have a failure, I take it in. If I get frustrated with someone, I punish myself over and over again and get sad. Even if I strongly voice my opinion, I get down on myself. Being sad is easy to access for me. Being mad is not.

Gah! I still can't get in myself and bring this out! At this point I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

I do believe it is possible for people to express anger in a very healthy way. I have not learned that skill. I also believe that being angry isn't inherently "bad" or "good", I think how I express it can be good or bad. But again, gotta learn that skill first.

I guess right now there are just a few things for certain. I get angry. That is for sure! There's just a bit of a disconnect between the feeling, and the communicating of it. I'm going to continue to focus on the reasons why I get angry. I've noticed a few things, but I'm looking for a commonality between all of them. I think if I can find the commonality, I may be able to find a healthy way of expressing my anger.

A Letter to Myself

I haven't exactly decided how I'm going to do this, and I'm not even sure how long this is going to take. It's been a while in the making, but I've honestly been avoiding writing this. I suppose now is as good a time as any. I've decided to make this blog post in the form of me writing a letter to myself, almost as a third party observer. Here goes:

 My Dearest Steven,

I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. I'm sure no words of mine can express the amount of pain and sorrow that you feel at this moment. I'm sure there have been many that have offered their sincerest condolences. And while this provides you with a sort of stability, I know you have to suffer through this alone. But I wanted to write to you and let you know how much I care for you.

Looking at you from the outside, everything seemed so perfect. For you, everything was falling into place. Your family has been so perfectly wonderful with you. Your friends have been fantastically supportive. You are more than excelling in your grad school program. I'm sure for many, this is what it probably looked like.

I don't know the exact reason why things ended between you and your fiancé. I'm sure you've struggled with those questions yourself. The important thing to remember is that all is not lost, all is not over, and there is so much to be learned from your experiences!

Let me tell you about the growth I've seen in you: you've become more patient, less sarcastic, more loving, more open, a better communicator, a better son and brother, a better friend, you appreciate the little things more, you've found more of a control over your own destiny, you're happier, you're healthier, and just overall, you're a better person.

I'm pretty sure I just saw you roll your eyes at me through the letter. Those things I said are true! I know...it's hard to believe that kind of stuff when you're just sitting there reading this, and especially when you're feeling so self-conscious you can hardly stand to look at yourself. Remember, these things do pass.

You yourself know from countless hours of studying that emotions are never permanent. Sure, sometimes they last longer than other times. And yes, I would dare say you've had your fair share of painful emotions. But those experiences too, have long since disappeared and now you can view them and take all the good, and leave behind all the bad.

Give yourself a break, Steven. Please do! You and your ex are two completely different people. Don't look at him and just see what's on the outside. You know that people put on brave faces, as I know you've been trying to do for this past little while. If I were to look at you now, to read your Facebook posts, to give you a call or shoot you a text, I'd say you're doing pretty fantastically well! I remember your first break up, and let's just say that I'm glad I don't have to wait days for that couch to dry again (ya know...all the tears).

Also, it's time to stop viewing yourself as the lower of two people in a relationship. I know you. When you come across someone you have a crush on, you automatically think to yourself "I'm so lucky that he likes me..." or something of that nature. Knock it off! You are beautiful and amazing just the way you are. Sometimes I want to grab your shoulders and give you shaken-steven-syndrome so that I can knock some sense into you!

Do you know what you have to offer? Let me try to give you an idea: you own your own home, you own a car, you are in grad school (at 24 years old), you have a 4.0 in grad school, you have many friends, you love the symphony, you appreciate the arts, you can see the beauty in others that many miss, you push to improve yourself, you seek good and uplifting things and people, you refrain from viewing vulgar or trashy things on television, you're funny, you have a great smile, you are SO cute, you have an incredible ability to listen, you feel things deeper than most, you have a great job, you love to read, you are musically gifted, you have a great sense of style, you make people feel welcome in your home, you know how to cheer people up, you can empathize with others, you are sincere, you are spiritual, and most importantly of all, I like you just the way you are.

I could continue, but I'd rather not give you a big head (plus I know your readers might get bored). So give it up Steven. You never have been, nor are lesser than anyone out there. You are incredible! So BE incredible! Don't hide what you have. Be confident in yourself, and in your wonderful qualities.

Ya you're single, but so what? Being single does not make you any less of a person. Knowing you, you'll get to the point where you don't even care about finding a relationship, and I have a feeling that that's when you'll find the man of your dreams. Yes, your ideal man is probably pretty hard to find. But hey, you're worth the wait.

Love Always,

Steven

Get it Out!

I'm not really planning on posting this anywhere, and I'm not really sure who's going to read it. All I know is that I'm having a really hard time right now and I know that sometimes typing helps me work through things in my head.

As it seems right now, I don't have anyone to talk to. Granted, I am in that state of being where I have put up a barrier to keep people away from me. This barrier is some weird ritual I seem to do. Anytime someone gets too close, up come the walls.

A lot of people have asked me about that idea. They wonder if I have such a hard time letting people in, why am I sometimes so incredibly vocal on the internet? Well, I know it can seem like a paradox. I have to admit that I enjoy stirring the pot, poking fun at tradition, or just reading the sound of my own voice after I type stuff (like I'm doing right now). But honestly, it's much easier for me to open up to strangers than it is to open up to those close to me.

Just follow me for a second: what's the worst a stranger could do if I opened up to them? Probably raise their eyebrows and tell me I'm crazy (which my friends do anyway so it's not like a shock to my system) and walk away. I can handle that! What I can't handle, and what's happened to me many times in the past, is when I open up to someone I'm close to, and the next thing I know, they are condemning me and walking away. It hurts. It really does.

So here I am, stuck with all these thoughts that I'm trying to sort through and I don't have someone to talk it through with. In my mind, the people I usually talk to have heard it all before, and now they don't care. But, I'll try and get these thoughts out here.

I have never had the awful misfortune of losing an entire support group. Sure I've lost friends and acquaintances, but losing an entire system of love and comfort would be terrible. Well, I should be honest and say that I hadn't lost one until recently.

I identify a lot of my cultural upbringing as being a Mormon. What I thought was a very good one too. And now, I don't have that. I have "chosen" to be gay and live a different lifestyle (like anyone would choose to have all this crap happen to them...), and as such, I am no longer welcome in my religion.

It's an incredibly bizarre feeling. Sure I have my own beliefs, but no one who shares them. I no longer have Mormon doctrine being drilled into my head every week. I don't have people who come visit me once a month, or who care if I come to FHE. There is no bishop who asks me how I'm doing, with a genuine interest in my well-being. Not only have I lost people to support me, I have lost my theological background.

I was overcome the other day with a terrifying feeling of death. Not exactly the process of dying, but what happens after. While I was still practicing, I had an idea of what's going to happen after I die. And I do still now as well. But at the same time, nobody *actually* knows. No one. People have ideas, but there is no absolute knowledge of exactly what is going to happen. That thought was incredibly intrusive, and I feel like I have moved on from that moment of terror, but it might come back and send me for a loop again.

Not only that, but I have come to the realization that I am alone. I am completely alone. There is no one out there who completely understands me, who can pick me up, and who can help me. That is one of the toughest things I have faced.

And I am so incredibly tired. This is not the tired where I want to take a nap. This is a tired that feels like my soul is aching. It's as if I have carried around a terrible weight all these years and I've collapsed and can't get up. I hurt so much at times, that I can barely stand it. I don't want to push to be happy, I don't want to fight this depression, I don't want to overcome the downright awful things say to me and about me, and I don't want to get back up again. I'm tired! And there is seemingly no rest for me...

So I've been facing quite a few existential issues lately. I seem to have lost a lot of purpose in my life. I've lost my support group, and I seem to be losing my identity as well. I don't know what to do, honestly.

Yes I've thought about going back to therapy (there's a conflict with me being a patient in the same place I will be practicing therapy next year), and I have been reaching out to others. Which brings up another painful realization for me. People don't call me. I call them. If I want to do something, I invite lots of people. I can't even recall the last time someone called or texted to ask if I wanted to go out somewhere and do something. Am I really that terrible of a person that people can't stand to be around me? What did I do? My boyfriend gets calls pretty much every day to go do something. I sit at home alone.

I guess the overall message I'm trying to get across (and here come those blasted tears), I want to feel valued. I want to feel loved. I want to feel support. Most importantly, I want to feel happy. I don't think people understand how hard I fight to be happy. I want it SO badly that I can just feel myself screaming on the inside. But it just seems to be forever out of my reach.

Just a Thought

It's about gay marriage and equality. Yes, it's become a rather heated topic as of late but I'm going to take a stab at it too. It's time to put an end to all the silly debates. So I want to bring out the actual facts of the debate here. Let's begin.

It seems to be the only argument people can come up with against gay marriage is that it is offensive to their religious institution in some form or another. The funny thing is, a lot of religious people are arguing against others who are not so religious. And even people who are religious are arguing against other religions! It gets to the point of being a little bit ridiculous. It's like a physicist and a chemist trying to argue about the speed of light. Neither of them speak a similar language, and even though they are arguing about the same topic, all they would be doing is speaking *past* each other because they have no common ground. Differing religions might have some common grounds but using the principles of one religion isn't going to convince someone of another religion to start acting differently.

Let me give you an example: the Jewish people do not eat pork. Why is that? Because it specifically says in the Bible (more or less) that eating pork is disgusting and should not happen. But for the most part, I bet my readers eat pork. Why is that? Probably because we are not Jewish, and do not believe in that assessment. If a Jewish person came up to you and started arguing about how sinful you were because you consumed pork, you would throw out their argument as ludicrous because, you don't believe what they believe!

So why is it that members of the LDS church, who overwhelmingly supported and propagated the passing of Proposition 8 in California, can try to impose their views on others? The majority of the population in California is *not* LDS. So they can obviously try and make law their views and throw them onto other people right? Well maybe in this context, but if a Californian tried to outlaw a Mormon belief (let's pretend reading the Book of Mormon), the LDS church would be up in arms about their religious freedoms being trampled on! They would not stand for it!

I borrowed this from a friend's status on facebook: "Money quote from Rev. Barry Lynn, head of Americans United for Separation of Church and State:
' ... Opponents of same-sex marriage have been unable to muster any arguments other than it offends their theology. We have a secular government, and dogma should not and cannot be transformed into law.'

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's return to the religious reasons why gay marriage and equality is wrong.

It is going to cause beastiality--really? This is quite possibly the dumbest argument against gay marriage that has ever existed. I hate to break it to you, but marriage is between consenting *adults*. It is not between one consenting adult and one animal ok? There is no basis for a logical argument here.

It will ruin the sanctity of marriage--also really? I'm pretty sure that heterosexuals have already done a pretty bang up job at ruining the sanctity of marriage. Did you know that about 50% of children born were born by accident? So half the population running around are born because mommy and daddy (or a whole slew of variations between the two genders) made a mistake. But besides that, we already have the wonderful political figures of today shouting, "My affair makes me more American!" Or we have the lovely Kardashian woman gaining millions upon millions of dollars from her marriage and subsequent divorce days later. And let's not forget Britney Spears' just for fun few minute marriage with a divorce.

It's in the Bible and for Mormons the Book of Mormon--not true. From the book, "Thou Shalt Question" by M.J. Prometheus it says:
"Sometimes people cite 2 Nephi 13:9 which states 'their sin to be even as Sodom,' as a reference to homosexuality. It is a common misconception within the church and some other Christian faiths that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was homosexuality, but this is unsupported by both scripture and prophets. The sins of Sodom are listed in the Old Testament itself and include pride and ignoring the poor (Ezekial 16:49-50 and Zephaniah 2:9-10), idolatry (Deuteronomy 32:32-38), adultery and lying (Jeremiah 23:14), but not once is homosexuality listed. In General Conference Apostle Parley P. Pratt said the sin of Sodom was fornication (April 10, 1853, JD Vol. 1). President John Taylor said the same (October 19, 1884, JD Vol. 25). Apostle Orson Pratt said the sin of Sodom was rejecting the prophets (January 2, 1859, JD Vol. 7). Apostle Heber C. Kimball said the same (July 12, 1857, JD Vol. 5). Apostle Wilford Woodruff said the same (January 1, 1871, JD Vol 14 and June 12, 1881, JD Vol. 22). Joseph Smith himself said, 'The judgments of God have rested upon people, cities and nations, in various ages of the world, which was the case with the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, that were destroyed for rejecting the Prophets." (January 22, 1843, HC Vol. 5, p. 257.) Much of the confusion among Latter-day saints might be due to footnote b in 2 Nephi 13:9, which points the reader to 'Homosexuality' in the Topical Guide. We would do well to remember that the footnotes and chapter headings in the LDS editions of the scriptures are not considered church doctrine; they were composed largely by Apostle Bruce R. McConkie as a useful study guide and nothing more. McConkie and a few others did believe the sin of Sodom was homosexuality, but as suggested by an abundance of Bible verses (which are doctrinal) and quotes from modern prophets including Joseph Smith (which are also doctrinal), McConkie was wrong."

Porn and masturbation make you gay--uh...yes, and that is why every male on the planet is gay. Give me a break! If porn and masturbation made a person gay, the majority of the world's population would be a flaming homosexual. Let's use some logic here people!

The prophets are inspired by God and are not subjected to their own prejudicial thoughts--let me show you how that's not true. From Apostle Mark E. Peterson, "Race Problems - As They Affect The Church," Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, BYU, August 27, 1954.
"The reason that one would lose his blessings by marrying a Negro is due to the restriction placed upon them. 'No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood' (Brigham Young).
"The discussion on civil rights, especially over the last 20 years, has drawn some very sharp lines. It has blinded the thinking of some of our own people, I believe. They have allowed their politician affiliations to color their thinking to some extent, and then, of course, they have been persuaded by some of the arguments that have been put forth. We who teach in the Church certainly must have our feet on the ground and not to be led astray by the philosophies of men on this subject.
"We must not allow our feelings to carry us away, nor must we feel so sorry for Negroes that we will open our arms and embrace them with everything we have. Remember the little statement that we used to say about sin, 'First we pity, then endure, then embrace'...
"If that negro is willing when he hears of the gospel to accept it, he may have many of the blessings of the gospel. In spite of all he did in the pre-existent life, the Lord is willing, if the negro accepts that gospel with real, sincere faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessings of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get celestial glory."
Um...ouch! These quotes sound a tiny bit familiar with all the rants about LDS members having their feet planted and not being moved. But hey, the prophets can't be controlled by their own prejudicial thoughts, that's why African Americans still don't have the priesthood right?
And don't even get me started on how church leaders have changed their minds about polygamy (Joseph Smith had *many* wives and even took them from other married men), how women should be treated (In the Bible women are property and can be bought, sold, traded, etc), and when we should eat meat (In D&C 89 it actually says we should only eat meat in winter and times of famine, but who's listening right?).

They should call it a "Civil Union" and not marriage--Have you been through the temple? Did you know that the word "marriage" is not actually used once in the marriage ceremony? People are *sealed* to each other, not just married. So why get in such a huff about protecting that word? And besides, to me, giving homosexuals and heterosexuals different words is awfully similar to how we used to treat African Americans. We had a "separate but equal" idea where African Americans could go to the same places as whites and do the same things, just as long as they weren't in the same room, or touching, or even looking at each other. So really, no one is equal.

Well gay people are just misguided and off the path of Christ--You are not and cannot tell me where I am going to end up in the eternities. You do not have a say in the final judgement. To my knowledge, that is up to Jesus Christ and God the Father.

I think it's interesting, some LDS people think they can pass such swift judgments under the guise of "love" and "concern", but what they're actually doing is judging someone without knowing all the facts. They say, "It's because I love you that I have to tell you this really hard thing..." and then proceed to spew forth why you are so evil, terrible, and will never be happy.

I would never go around telling people how wrong and misguided they are. That is far too hurtful and offensive. I'd rather leave judgments like that up to my Father in Heaven and Christ who both know me perfectly and know the desires of my heart.

Again, borrowing from "Thou Shalt Question":
"...At ever moment in LDS history when a doctrine threatened the church, it was changed. It took far more time than it should have--the general population often figured out what was ethical long before the prophets did--but it always happened without exception, and it happened despite prior promises from presidents of the church that it would never happen. What makes the doctrine of homosexuality any different?
"Some might say, 'But homosexuality is a violation of the very plan of salvation!' I seriously doubt that. Polygamy was also considered absolutely indispensable to the plan of salvation and a critical component of our lives *here on earth*, yet we don't practice that one anymore--at least, not until we get to the celestial kingdom. It may be that the doctrines of God are unchanging, but as we have already seen, the doctrines of men change all the time.
"'But homosexuality is unnatural!'" There is no evidence to support that, but even if it is, so what? Birth control is also unnatural, as is modern medicine, clothing, cars, and the internet. Do you use any of those things? What does the unnaturalness of something have to do with it being right or wrong?
"'But homosexuality is a choice!'" Nonsense. If that were true, then our heterosexuality would also be a choice. Does your sexual orientation feel like a choice? Would you purposely choose an orientation that people hated, run the risk of being disowned by family members, of hurting those you love most, of struggling with severe self-loathing and the loathing of much of society and of your own religion? How would you feel if you were told that you must either change your orientation or never, ever have a physical relationship with someone you loved? Would you still stick with your 'choice'?"

For now, that is what I have to say on the subject. If you would like to know more about homosexuality as well as many other doctrines that have undergone huge shifts in the LDS church, I would highly recommend the book "Thou Shalt Question". Although I may not have covered every single contingency that exists out there against gay marriage and equality, I have covered a vast majority of them.

Also, if you would like to get into a debate about whether or not there is biological evidence supporting homosexuality, I would be happy to point out the more than one-hundred studies about the biological origins of homosexuality. Oh and of course, everyone's an expert in this topic, except me because I'm gay, even though I'm getting a master's degree in psychology and every neuroscience and psychology professor that I've ever come in contact with (yup even at BYU!) agrees that homosexuality has biological origins.

Finally, I want to leave you with a personal statement about the psychological damage that can be done to a person. This isn't some make-believe person, this is what I hear on a daily basis.

Love the sinner hate the sin? Well, guess that already labels me a sinner with all the prejudiced views thereof. Can you imagine for a moment what it feels like to hear from your best friend that they won't come to your wedding because it's wrong? Or when a bishop (supposedly delivering the word of God) tells you you're going to hell? Or when you pray night and day to be "normal" only to never be changed? To hear from friends, family, and strangers all over the Internet and in real life that your love is sick, disgusting, unwanted, and wrong? To be accused of destroying the fabric of society? To be harassed, teased, tormented, and potentially bullied that it feels like the only way out is to blot out your own existence?

Ya, I didn't think it felt very good either. The New Testament and the Book of Mormon share a whole lot more stories of love, support, and respect than condemnation and hellfire. Maybe we can all take a page from those books.

Unicorns, Glitter and Rainbows: My Path to Destroying Society

Let us discuss a question that has weighed heavily on the minds of many of my heterosexual homies: Why do people turn gay? This is a difficult and sensitive topic for many gay folk. Allow me to clarify by sharing my own journey down the rainbow road of homosexuality.

You see, at a very young age I found myself plagued with a powerful biological urge to poop. No one sees anything peculiar about this urge, so nobody ever told me it was wicked, an urge for which I would be damned, so I very happily pooped whenever I saw fit. Sometimes I even took the time to enjoy the sweet relief that pooping provided.  

Upon the arrival of puberty I found myself plagued with new things: hair where no hair grew before, pimples where before there was only undefiled alabaster skin, and a mighty biological urge to rid myself of the enormous sperm armies my body produced on an hourly basis.  While those around me considered pooping—and even the enjoying thereof—perfectly acceptable, I was taught that masturbation was evil and the enjoying of it…well, that was evil cubed.

What does this have to do with being gay, you might ask? While I learned very early that masturbation was evil, no one informed me that it was so evil it would also turn me gay! Every time I evilly released the evil fruit of my evil loins into a sock, shower drain or banana peel, I not only grew in my evilness, but became a tiny bit gayer and gayer.

I suppose, however, that I cannot blame masturbation for all my gay. Try as I might, no matter how many torrents of loin fruit I released from my mighty scrotum, a little bit of straight still remained. There must have been something else…ah yes, I remember. One day I woke up and I thought to myself, "I want to be different from everyone around me, because being different is fun! People always make sure the different one is accepted, beloved, and showered with kindness. I also enjoy being told that I am an abomination to God! And hey, life wouldn't be a challenge if my country granted me the same rights under the law as straight people! Second-class citizenship worked so well for blacks and women that I'd be a fool not to want it for myself."  Upon reflecting upon how greatly the benefits outweighed the costs, I simply made the decision one day to be completely gay. I changed my sexual orientation with a mere thought, just like you could change yours if you chose. It's as easy as changing clothes!

There are many benefits to being gay. For example, I get to destroy the very fabric of society and the family!  Why, my daily planner for this very day reads as follows:
Destroy fabric of society
Quick lunch
Dance to Lady Gaga like little fairy boy
Ponder upon depth of own depravity
Dinner
Sing songs about rainbows and butt sex
Sleep. GAY SLEEP, which is totally different from normal people sleep.

But how, precisely, does one go about destroying society?  First, I take the hope of a monogamous relationship, add to it my desire for a nice house and perfectly manicured lawn, and wrap it all up with the dream of adopting a child or two and saving them from the drastically overcrowded foster care system. It's a recipe for complete and utter disaster, I know!  It's dripping with so much evil that Hitler just had an orgasm. Doing this destroys the sanctity of marriage, of course, because…because it just does and I'm naughty like that.

There is another arrow in my engorged quiver of gayness-spreading. Did you know that just being around gays makes you a flaming homo? My gay aura is so immense that those around me often convert immediately to the way of the gay. Just last week at the mall I passed a group of teenage boys. As soon as my queer emanations washed over them, they broke out into a frenzy of gay!  Like lovely little pixies they pranced to the nearest Express store, shopped to their hearts content, giggled uncontrollably at cute boys walking by and held hands down the aisle. Justin Bieber himself could not have raised the flames any higher. Another day I was enjoying a dip in a public pool. Tragically, my gay aura preventer—a manly swimsuit with pictures of power tools and Chuck Norris—failed and all that gooey aura got into the water.  Children instantly turned gay, splashing each other with limp wrists and lisping happily, "I got you, you silly goose!"  An adult accidentally swallowed some water and soon doubled over on the pavement, puking up unicorns, glitter and episodes of Will & Grace. 'Twas madness!

There you have it.  I hope this very special educational blog will clear up all the nasty rumors and lies spread about us gays. Now if you'll excuse me, a new episode of Glee is on.

P.S. A very special thank you to my brother who proofread this post and made it extra funny!

Will You Please Just Listen?

I've had a problem with listening to people in the past. Well, actually, I would consider myself a very good listener; that is, at first. All sorts of different people have come up to me and started talking to me and tell me how comfortable they are talking to me. I think it's because I genuinely invest myself in their conversations. The problem I have is when people come to me with a problem--I jump in and start offering my opinion on things.

Now that might be good for people who are actively seeking an opinion from an outside source. But what about those people that just need someone to listen to them? They have a heart that is so heavy, and their burden so big that they most probably just want to be heard. I'm crying right now because that's exactly how I feel right now.

I'm under a lot of stress. Obviously school is a hard time for everyone, and maybe this is just one of those run-of-the-mill times when I'm going to get stressed out and have to push through. But being the person I am, I need someone to listen to me. I want some empathy, not sympathy.

"I know exactly how you feel..." What an overused sentence. And what an incredible over-generalization. I mean really? You've had the exact same experiences as that person to know exactly how emotionally charged this situation is to them and why? You've formed the exact same emotional pathways for neurotransmitters to create the same brain chemistry? You come from the same culture, ethnic group, and gender? Well, I suppose if you answered yes to all of these, then you are either an exact clone of someone, or you're so naive as to think that you actually know exactly how someone feels.

I know that sounds harsh. And I know people have good intentions when they use that phrase. But I've made it a point to never say that. When my brother died, I never heard that phrase. It was one of the first instances in my life where people would tell me they didn't know what to say. It was a relief! It was nice to hear that they didn't understand--which I then assume is an opportunity to help them understand. Together we can create a mutual bonding, and empathic experience where an understanding is shared, even if it isn't *exactly* what the other person is feeling.

Ahem...so where was I...? Oh yes. I need someone to listen to me right now. Some would call it whining. I would call it an adequate utilization of a technique to cope with stress. And since I am the counselor, I am right. So there.

Today has been a day of people not listening. More specifically, tonight has been one of those nights. I say something to the effect of, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed," and immediately I am expected to come forward with coping mechanisms and strategies so that being overwhelmed is no longer an issue.

We are in such a quick-fix society and it drives me crazy sometimes! Ya I'm overwhelmed, but don't you think that jumping on me and giving me advice on all these ways of not feeling overwhelmed is going to make me feel *more* overwhelmed?

Well, it does. So now I guess I'll get to what is actually bothering me instead of trying to critique all of my social interactions. I'll have plenty of time to do that as a therapist.

Therapist--what is that? I'm sure there's a different definition depending on the person you ask! I'm trying to figure out what that is myself, and that is what is overwhelming.

Some people think of being a therapist as a "soft" job. Something that really doesn't take too much time, effort, or skill to be good at. First of all, when I hear people who think that way I'm hurt. I wouldn't dedicate so many years of my life to something that's easy. I am in it to better myself and those around me.

Secondly, now that I'm actually studying counseling and how it all works, I am amazed at the complexity of it. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone in which you had to pay attention to the details of the message, get a clear picture of the emotions behind it, think of a theoretical orientation that applies to this situation, think of a follow-up question or response that takes into account that theoretical orientation, keep in mind the legal implications of the advice or response you give, make sure that you are showing enough empathy as to make that person feel accepted and safe, and being multiculturally in-tuned enough as to not create micro aggressions or prejudices? Ya, me neither...

But now I have to! It's absolutely exhausting! I find my brain spinning non-stop. I am encouraged to pick myself apart and analyze pretty much everything I do. I am expected to be open, honest, and secure enough with myself to bring forward my insecurities in front of PhD professors, and classmates, and change my deeply held beliefs and opinions. It is a lot to take in and I am just so tired.

It feels so much better to put this out there.

I would encourage everyone to take a little more time in their interactions with people. Of course there isn't enough time to have a full-blown therapy session with someone. But I'm sure you can make the time to hear them out. Maybe they don't even want your advice. It's time to put the ego aside and listen. That's something that I've struggled to do, but I would dare to say that it's greatly strengthened my relationships.

Thank you for listening.

I'd Rather Stay In

Have you ever had one of those nights where you'd rather just not go out? I'm having one of them. I was planning on going clubbing and now I'm just not really in the mood. I know right? *gasp* Steven doesn't want to go dancing?! Oh the horror!

No but really, I'm in a perfectly fine mood, I'd just rather stay in than go out. But my boyfriend wanted to go dancing so off he went.

Honestly, I feel like we have a very good balance between us. We've spent every day for the past week together. We're not sick of each other at all. I know when to give him space so he can keep up with his friends and family, and he lets me have my family and friend time too. Neither of us wants to be "that guy" that falls off the face of the planet when they enter in a relationship!

So here I am. I've kinda been reflecting lately and thought I'd share with you what's been on my mind.

I am no longer working at the Oakley School. Actually, I was put on administrative leave. There were a couple people there that were very unprofessional. So when I filled out my exit survey, I gave them honest feedback about some of these individuals. The school said they'd like to look into it but that it might be awkward to have me there while they do so they paid me for my last two weeks of work and I didn't even have to go in!

Honestly it's been kinda nice! The only sad thing is that I couldn't say goodbye to my students. They said I could write a letter, which I did, but then when my coworkers read the letter to my kids, some administration said it wasn't okay anymore so not all of my kids got to hear it!

I didn't think I'd miss my kids as much as I do. Honestly, they were a great example to me of love, patience and understanding. There were times when I didn't think anyone cared about me and one of them would do something for me that would just make me smile. It was wonderful!

My boyfriend and I went on a little trip to Vegas together this past week. We only spent two nights at the New York New York, but it was absolutely wonderful! We went clubbing, walked the strip, went shopping, saw two amazing shows, had great food, and most importantly, just enjoyed being with each other. The more time I spend with him, the more I fall in love.

It seems like every relationship goes on a vacation. It's almost like testing the waters to see if two people are really compatible. In my past relationships, there have always been some really serious discussions and some arguments too. But not this one! There have been times when I've been upset, but he just talks me through it. And there are times when I can tell he's a little off, and I'm very understanding.

My theory about true and everlasting love is that you always put the other person first. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it's helped me from getting in my depression cycle where I focus too much on me and getting what *I* want. When my boyfriend comes first, I am honestly happier than when I put myself first.

It has been a little tough lately. He has some really close friends who haven't been all that supportive when it came to him coming out to them. He and I talk about it and he feels better after. What really troubles me is the kind of people these people claim to be.

They're LDS (Mormon), and are supposedly kind, understanding, loving and accepting. But this doesn't seem to be the case withs one of them. I see rejection, pain, suffering, and pride. Pride in the fact that they refuse to associate with someone who isn't exactly like them.

And what a boring life that would be if we were all the same. I mean, Christ himself was friends with everyone. I don't ever remember reading in the Bible him going up to someone, finding out that they were this way or that, and saying, "I'm sorry, you're against my religion and I'm going to shun you now..."

No way! He was never like that! But then some of these friends act just like that! They can be so hypocritical and hyper sensitive. And there is no way to reason with them. They are black and white thinkers and won't be brought out of it.

It just bugs me, and honestly makes me sad. If I were that way towards a certain ethnic, religious, or any other group, I would be so much more lonely and less happy than I am now. If I look at my group of friends, I have friends from all sorts of different backgrounds! They make me who I am today. I am so much more understanding, loving, patient, and generous with those from different backgrounds. No one deserves to be discriminated against just because of how they were made. God made them beautiful, just the way they are.

My father once told me something after I came out, and honestly it made me cry. He said, "You know Steven, maybe you being gay isn't a test for you to overcome. Maybe it's a test for everyone else to see if they will love you like God commands us to love everyone."

Be The Change

For some reason I can't seem to get the lyrics, "Do you know what it feels like for a girl, in this world?" out of my head. It's definitely an interesting way to wake up! Especially considering that I am not a girl. Although I am close. My mother, after all, was hoping that I'd be a girl. So this is what happened! So the moral of the story is, be careful what you wish for.

And no that is not the end of my blog post. Although I do think it would be funny to write a blog post that was so short, sweet, and utterly profound. Maybe after this one.

I changed my passwords last night. Have you ever stopped to think about how many accounts you have online that require a password? Not to mention computers, work computers, and even phones! It took me about an hour, and I don't think I have changed all my passwords yet. I went from using 17 characters and cut it down to 12 seriously ridiculous characters. But let me tell you why.

I feel like I've made a discovery lately. Perhaps not anything profound or nobel-prize worthy, although I think my life in general is worth a nobel-prize, but more of just simple satisfaction with what my life could one day be.

I'm not sure who said the quote, or something similar to this, "Be the change you wish to see in others". But it has really inspired me lately. Oh! And a quick google search turned up that Ghandi said it. Well, I am glad that one of my new mantras comes from such an incredible man.

A while ago, I wrote a post about work, where the kids wouldn't swear as much around me as they usually do, just because I didn't swear. But I've come to realize that this example setting reaches far beyond clean language.

I have a lot of friends. And some are closer than others. However, I am fiercely loyal with my friends. Even those who I have only recently met know that I will do my best to help them in whatever way I can. In return, they are just as fiercely loyal with me and will come to my aid with cupcakes, hugs, and listening ears. Ya that's right, I'm a big softy and all I need is that to survive.

So what of it? Why is it so important that I change first? Well, think about it. Have you ever, and I know you have, had that one friend or psuedo-friend that was always trying to change and/or fix you? They may have done it in very loving, or sometimes very not-so-loving ways. But they wanted you to be happy (the mom from Tangled singing, "Mother Knows Best" comes to mind).

But it didn't work did it...? They're nagging words and scornful gaze, or even loving intrigues and hope and prayers weren't enough. Well, we do have this instinct to fight change. What's the first thing you want to do when someone tells you to do something? Say no! Or maybe I'm just speaking from personal experience here and I'm way more of a heathen than I thought.

If you yourself are changing, people pick up on that. This allows them to choose for themselves whether or not they want to change. For the most part, it seems that humanity is on a quest to better themselves and their lives. So if you provide the example of how they *could* change, you are giving them new ideas, inspiration, and conviction to make changes for themselves. And, as I'm sure you are aware, the psychological benefits of internal conviction and motivation far outweigh outside rewards and punishments.

I have been a lot happier lately. I've worked on avoiding passive-aggressive facebook statuses, whiny poetry, sulking moods, and other negative stuff. Wow I just realized how much of a handful I am! Kudos to those of you who can handle this mess of emotions with the name Steven!

These are things that I've worked on for a while. As I've mentioned in a lot of posts, I struggle with a lot of shame-based behaviors, reactions, and motivations. But I am getting better! I find that really sticking to my convictions and being confident in who I am as a person helps greatly. And I've began to notice a change in people's reactions towards me.

I come off as friendlier, kinder, more gentle, fun, humorous, stable and confident. I've noticed more friends come into my life, past acquaintances re-emerge, and my current relationships become more strong and fulfilling. All these are good things!

And it's because I've had the internal motivation to change. I've pushed myself further than I'm used to and it's been fantastic!

But what gave me the motivation? Well, it was the example of someone very close to me.

He is the change he wishes to see in others. He does nothing but love and support his friends and loved-ones. He is an incredible example to me of someone who has true and pure love. He inspires me daily to be a little better, to push a little harder, and to try just *one* more time. He is one of many. There are tons of people in my life who really inspire me. He's just the one that I can't get out of my head!

So I am passing this message a long to you. Oh, and why did I change all my passwords? To give me a phrase to remind myself every day of my desire to be the change I wish to see in others.

Two Years Later

Holy crapola!  Yesterday was the two year anniversary of me coming out publicly. But I guess if you've been living under a rock for two years, surprise! I'm gay!  In honor of that day, I re-read my coming out post and wrote this blog entry.

I stand by my statement saying that I still do not prowl the streets looking for unsuspecting gays to pounce on.  I'm much too charming to need to do a thing like that.

I did notice, however, that in my initial blog post, I had made the decision not to date.  This might sound shocking to some because as most of you know, I do date.  I think the thing that has changed the most in me since coming out publicly that first time, is my stance on my feelings of homosexuality.

All my life I have been ingrained with the idea that anything that is good comes from God, and anything that is evil comes from Satan.  And I still believe that to be true.  Some may think that my up-coming reasoning is wrong because I've been brainwashed, or I'm just justifying myself, but I believe it to be true.  During my dating experience, I have upheld my standards as best I could.  I have tried my best to be a good date, to be chivalrous, to be polite, respectful, honest, and kind.  I have dated the way I would hope that any upstanding person would date.

I have had some incredible experiences.  I've had some incredible dates, and others that I feel so uncomfortable, I want to throw myself out the nearest window.  But that just comes with dating and it has been an experience for the betterment of myself.  

During my dates, I have never felt evil, sadistic, brainwashed or simply wrong.  I have felt comfort, peace, at one with myself, and a greater love for myself and the person I'm with.  I think these feelings are good, and thus come from God.  How could something that makes me so happy, and makes me feel so good, be wrong (insert some comments from skeptics about how I've been mislead)?

My last two years have been interesting for sure.  The first year was mostly me working on myself, and accepting myself for who I was in the moment, so that I wouldn't be a total basket-case when I started dating.

Then I got my first boyfriend.  He taught me a lot and we had great times for sure.  He taught me how to be honest about my feelings, how to compromise, and many other wonderful lessons.  Since it was my first breakup, it was definitely difficult, but I'm glad that he felt honest enough with me to end things when he wasn't comfortable anymore.  I would never want to force anyone into something they weren't comfortable with.

Then I was single for a while.  After a while, and after I had adjusted to just dating for fun, I got involved in my second relationship.  We also had great times.  We did activities together that I didn't have the opportunity to with other guys.  He liked plays, the symphony, dances, ballet, and lots of other things that I love.  After three months, I broke up with him.  I dedicated a blog post just to him, and I think about, and worry about him a lot.  He seems happy, and I truly hope he is.  I felt like breaking up with him was the right thing to do.  And it was his first real breakup so I know I really hurt him--which hurts me too.

Here I am, two years later.  I would say overall I'm a much happier and healthier person.  I am more myself, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and have grown more understanding and accepting of other people.  I respect people more and appreciate their hardships and what they can teach me.  I also appreciate my own hardships more.

In fact, looking back when I first came out publicly, my parents were less than pleased.  They felt that coming out was a private matter that needed to be kept in the family and I had just blabbed all over facebook that I was gay.  The horror!  But now, my parents are completely supportive of me and my decision.  I talk to my mum and nanna about who I am dating and what we did.  They get excited for me and encourage me to live the best life I can.  I'm still a good person and need to stick to my morals.  My brother encourages me to keep an open mind, reach out to new people, enjoy the company of others, and become more comfortable with myself.  My father helps me discuss deeper issues such as where I fit in in this life, where my life may go, and the occasional excitement about a date.  I love my family more than anything and I am *so* grateful that they are so supportive.  I never could've made it this far without them.

I am no longer attending the LDS church meetings.  I respect the church, I respect what they do for some people, and I cannot fully participate in the church and be true to myself.  They are mutually exclusive.  Although I pray that one day the church will change, I highly doubt it will.  I am comfortable in living my life the best I can with what I have, not abandoning who I was, sticking to my morals, and just being happy.  I do still pray and find myself connecting to God in different ways--through music, love of friends, wholesome activities, and family.

Now then, I have left the best for last.  I have met someone.  And yes I meet lots of people all the time but he is different.  The instant I saw him, my jaw dropped.  I did my best to hide such a foolish gesture.  He and I chatted, fairly easily might I add, and I asked him out on a date.  He was so sweet on the date, very chivalrous, kind-hearted, loving, and a great conversationalist.  After dinner, we headed into the mountains to go on a hike.  It was splendid to be in such a beautiful area with such a beautiful guy, inside and out.  We have seen each other every week since, and love spending time together.  I have never been happier to be with someone.  Anytime I get a text, I swoon.  When I speak to him every night, there's constantly a huge smile on my face.  And anyone within ear shot has to hear about my cheesy middle-school romance that I seem to be in.  I think it's wonderful!  I am elated and haven't been this happy in a very long time.

He tells me he feels the same.  He is helping me gain the confidence I am so lacking at times.  He compliments me, and I him.  We talk about everything and I do my best to help him feel as comfortable as possible in his own skin.  He makes me feel like a million dollars!  I feel like I can be completely myself with him, and he says the same about me.

We are taking things one day at a time, and slow.  I do not feel a need to rush.  I am comfortable where we are.

Now then, I leave you with how I feel about myself this morning.  I hope to remind myself about these positive qualities if I feel down.  I can change my outlook on life and myself.

I am generous, loving, silly, have a nice smile, I dress well, I'm smart, I know how to help people, I'm successful, I'm dedicated, I'm compassionate, I'm spontaneous, I'm sweet, I'm thoughtful, I'm random, I'm goofy, I'm talented, I'm handsome, I'm considerate, I'm frugal, I'm ambitious, I'm passionate, and above all, I am me.

Here's to another year!  Cheers!