I'm not really planning on posting this anywhere, and I'm not really sure who's going to read it. All I know is that I'm having a really hard time right now and I know that sometimes typing helps me work through things in my head.
As it seems right now, I don't have anyone to talk to. Granted, I am in that state of being where I have put up a barrier to keep people away from me. This barrier is some weird ritual I seem to do. Anytime someone gets too close, up come the walls.
A lot of people have asked me about that idea. They wonder if I have such a hard time letting people in, why am I sometimes so incredibly vocal on the internet? Well, I know it can seem like a paradox. I have to admit that I enjoy stirring the pot, poking fun at tradition, or just reading the sound of my own voice after I type stuff (like I'm doing right now). But honestly, it's much easier for me to open up to strangers than it is to open up to those close to me.
Just follow me for a second: what's the worst a stranger could do if I opened up to them? Probably raise their eyebrows and tell me I'm crazy (which my friends do anyway so it's not like a shock to my system) and walk away. I can handle that! What I can't handle, and what's happened to me many times in the past, is when I open up to someone I'm close to, and the next thing I know, they are condemning me and walking away. It hurts. It really does.
So here I am, stuck with all these thoughts that I'm trying to sort through and I don't have someone to talk it through with. In my mind, the people I usually talk to have heard it all before, and now they don't care. But, I'll try and get these thoughts out here.
I have never had the awful misfortune of losing an entire support group. Sure I've lost friends and acquaintances, but losing an entire system of love and comfort would be terrible. Well, I should be honest and say that I hadn't lost one until recently.
I identify a lot of my cultural upbringing as being a Mormon. What I thought was a very good one too. And now, I don't have that. I have "chosen" to be gay and live a different lifestyle (like anyone would choose to have all this crap happen to them...), and as such, I am no longer welcome in my religion.
It's an incredibly bizarre feeling. Sure I have my own beliefs, but no one who shares them. I no longer have Mormon doctrine being drilled into my head every week. I don't have people who come visit me once a month, or who care if I come to FHE. There is no bishop who asks me how I'm doing, with a genuine interest in my well-being. Not only have I lost people to support me, I have lost my theological background.
I was overcome the other day with a terrifying feeling of death. Not exactly the process of dying, but what happens after. While I was still practicing, I had an idea of what's going to happen after I die. And I do still now as well. But at the same time, nobody *actually* knows. No one. People have ideas, but there is no absolute knowledge of exactly what is going to happen. That thought was incredibly intrusive, and I feel like I have moved on from that moment of terror, but it might come back and send me for a loop again.
Not only that, but I have come to the realization that I am alone. I am completely alone. There is no one out there who completely understands me, who can pick me up, and who can help me. That is one of the toughest things I have faced.
And I am so incredibly tired. This is not the tired where I want to take a nap. This is a tired that feels like my soul is aching. It's as if I have carried around a terrible weight all these years and I've collapsed and can't get up. I hurt so much at times, that I can barely stand it. I don't want to push to be happy, I don't want to fight this depression, I don't want to overcome the downright awful things say to me and about me, and I don't want to get back up again. I'm tired! And there is seemingly no rest for me...
So I've been facing quite a few existential issues lately. I seem to have lost a lot of purpose in my life. I've lost my support group, and I seem to be losing my identity as well. I don't know what to do, honestly.
Yes I've thought about going back to therapy (there's a conflict with me being a patient in the same place I will be practicing therapy next year), and I have been reaching out to others. Which brings up another painful realization for me. People don't call me. I call them. If I want to do something, I invite lots of people. I can't even recall the last time someone called or texted to ask if I wanted to go out somewhere and do something. Am I really that terrible of a person that people can't stand to be around me? What did I do? My boyfriend gets calls pretty much every day to go do something. I sit at home alone.
I guess the overall message I'm trying to get across (and here come those blasted tears), I want to feel valued. I want to feel loved. I want to feel support. Most importantly, I want to feel happy. I don't think people understand how hard I fight to be happy. I want it SO badly that I can just feel myself screaming on the inside. But it just seems to be forever out of my reach.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Just a Thought
It's about gay marriage and equality. Yes, it's become a rather heated topic as of late but I'm going to take a stab at it too. It's time to put an end to all the silly debates. So I want to bring out the actual facts of the debate here. Let's begin.
It seems to be the only argument people can come up with against gay marriage is that it is offensive to their religious institution in some form or another. The funny thing is, a lot of religious people are arguing against others who are not so religious. And even people who are religious are arguing against other religions! It gets to the point of being a little bit ridiculous. It's like a physicist and a chemist trying to argue about the speed of light. Neither of them speak a similar language, and even though they are arguing about the same topic, all they would be doing is speaking *past* each other because they have no common ground. Differing religions might have some common grounds but using the principles of one religion isn't going to convince someone of another religion to start acting differently.
Let me give you an example: the Jewish people do not eat pork. Why is that? Because it specifically says in the Bible (more or less) that eating pork is disgusting and should not happen. But for the most part, I bet my readers eat pork. Why is that? Probably because we are not Jewish, and do not believe in that assessment. If a Jewish person came up to you and started arguing about how sinful you were because you consumed pork, you would throw out their argument as ludicrous because, you don't believe what they believe!
So why is it that members of the LDS church, who overwhelmingly supported and propagated the passing of Proposition 8 in California, can try to impose their views on others? The majority of the population in California is *not* LDS. So they can obviously try and make law their views and throw them onto other people right? Well maybe in this context, but if a Californian tried to outlaw a Mormon belief (let's pretend reading the Book of Mormon), the LDS church would be up in arms about their religious freedoms being trampled on! They would not stand for it!
I borrowed this from a friend's status on facebook: "Money quote from Rev. Barry Lynn, head of Americans United for Separation of Church and State:
' ... Opponents of same-sex marriage have been unable to muster any arguments other than it offends their theology. We have a secular government, and dogma should not and cannot be transformed into law.'
But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's return to the religious reasons why gay marriage and equality is wrong.
It is going to cause beastiality--really? This is quite possibly the dumbest argument against gay marriage that has ever existed. I hate to break it to you, but marriage is between consenting *adults*. It is not between one consenting adult and one animal ok? There is no basis for a logical argument here.
It will ruin the sanctity of marriage--also really? I'm pretty sure that heterosexuals have already done a pretty bang up job at ruining the sanctity of marriage. Did you know that about 50% of children born were born by accident? So half the population running around are born because mommy and daddy (or a whole slew of variations between the two genders) made a mistake. But besides that, we already have the wonderful political figures of today shouting, "My affair makes me more American!" Or we have the lovely Kardashian woman gaining millions upon millions of dollars from her marriage and subsequent divorce days later. And let's not forget Britney Spears' just for fun few minute marriage with a divorce.
It's in the Bible and for Mormons the Book of Mormon--not true. From the book, "Thou Shalt Question" by M.J. Prometheus it says:
"Sometimes people cite 2 Nephi 13:9 which states 'their sin to be even as Sodom,' as a reference to homosexuality. It is a common misconception within the church and some other Christian faiths that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was homosexuality, but this is unsupported by both scripture and prophets. The sins of Sodom are listed in the Old Testament itself and include pride and ignoring the poor (Ezekial 16:49-50 and Zephaniah 2:9-10), idolatry (Deuteronomy 32:32-38), adultery and lying (Jeremiah 23:14), but not once is homosexuality listed. In General Conference Apostle Parley P. Pratt said the sin of Sodom was fornication (April 10, 1853, JD Vol. 1). President John Taylor said the same (October 19, 1884, JD Vol. 25). Apostle Orson Pratt said the sin of Sodom was rejecting the prophets (January 2, 1859, JD Vol. 7). Apostle Heber C. Kimball said the same (July 12, 1857, JD Vol. 5). Apostle Wilford Woodruff said the same (January 1, 1871, JD Vol 14 and June 12, 1881, JD Vol. 22). Joseph Smith himself said, 'The judgments of God have rested upon people, cities and nations, in various ages of the world, which was the case with the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, that were destroyed for rejecting the Prophets." (January 22, 1843, HC Vol. 5, p. 257.) Much of the confusion among Latter-day saints might be due to footnote b in 2 Nephi 13:9, which points the reader to 'Homosexuality' in the Topical Guide. We would do well to remember that the footnotes and chapter headings in the LDS editions of the scriptures are not considered church doctrine; they were composed largely by Apostle Bruce R. McConkie as a useful study guide and nothing more. McConkie and a few others did believe the sin of Sodom was homosexuality, but as suggested by an abundance of Bible verses (which are doctrinal) and quotes from modern prophets including Joseph Smith (which are also doctrinal), McConkie was wrong."
Porn and masturbation make you gay--uh...yes, and that is why every male on the planet is gay. Give me a break! If porn and masturbation made a person gay, the majority of the world's population would be a flaming homosexual. Let's use some logic here people!
The prophets are inspired by God and are not subjected to their own prejudicial thoughts--let me show you how that's not true. From Apostle Mark E. Peterson, "Race Problems - As They Affect The Church," Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, BYU, August 27, 1954.
"The reason that one would lose his blessings by marrying a Negro is due to the restriction placed upon them. 'No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood' (Brigham Young).
"The discussion on civil rights, especially over the last 20 years, has drawn some very sharp lines. It has blinded the thinking of some of our own people, I believe. They have allowed their politician affiliations to color their thinking to some extent, and then, of course, they have been persuaded by some of the arguments that have been put forth. We who teach in the Church certainly must have our feet on the ground and not to be led astray by the philosophies of men on this subject.
"We must not allow our feelings to carry us away, nor must we feel so sorry for Negroes that we will open our arms and embrace them with everything we have. Remember the little statement that we used to say about sin, 'First we pity, then endure, then embrace'...
"If that negro is willing when he hears of the gospel to accept it, he may have many of the blessings of the gospel. In spite of all he did in the pre-existent life, the Lord is willing, if the negro accepts that gospel with real, sincere faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessings of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get celestial glory."
Um...ouch! These quotes sound a tiny bit familiar with all the rants about LDS members having their feet planted and not being moved. But hey, the prophets can't be controlled by their own prejudicial thoughts, that's why African Americans still don't have the priesthood right?
And don't even get me started on how church leaders have changed their minds about polygamy (Joseph Smith had *many* wives and even took them from other married men), how women should be treated (In the Bible women are property and can be bought, sold, traded, etc), and when we should eat meat (In D&C 89 it actually says we should only eat meat in winter and times of famine, but who's listening right?).
They should call it a "Civil Union" and not marriage--Have you been through the temple? Did you know that the word "marriage" is not actually used once in the marriage ceremony? People are *sealed* to each other, not just married. So why get in such a huff about protecting that word? And besides, to me, giving homosexuals and heterosexuals different words is awfully similar to how we used to treat African Americans. We had a "separate but equal" idea where African Americans could go to the same places as whites and do the same things, just as long as they weren't in the same room, or touching, or even looking at each other. So really, no one is equal.
Well gay people are just misguided and off the path of Christ--You are not and cannot tell me where I am going to end up in the eternities. You do not have a say in the final judgement. To my knowledge, that is up to Jesus Christ and God the Father.
I think it's interesting, some LDS people think they can pass such swift judgments under the guise of "love" and "concern", but what they're actually doing is judging someone without knowing all the facts. They say, "It's because I love you that I have to tell you this really hard thing..." and then proceed to spew forth why you are so evil, terrible, and will never be happy.
I would never go around telling people how wrong and misguided they are. That is far too hurtful and offensive. I'd rather leave judgments like that up to my Father in Heaven and Christ who both know me perfectly and know the desires of my heart.
Again, borrowing from "Thou Shalt Question":
"...At ever moment in LDS history when a doctrine threatened the church, it was changed. It took far more time than it should have--the general population often figured out what was ethical long before the prophets did--but it always happened without exception, and it happened despite prior promises from presidents of the church that it would never happen. What makes the doctrine of homosexuality any different?
"Some might say, 'But homosexuality is a violation of the very plan of salvation!' I seriously doubt that. Polygamy was also considered absolutely indispensable to the plan of salvation and a critical component of our lives *here on earth*, yet we don't practice that one anymore--at least, not until we get to the celestial kingdom. It may be that the doctrines of God are unchanging, but as we have already seen, the doctrines of men change all the time.
"'But homosexuality is unnatural!'" There is no evidence to support that, but even if it is, so what? Birth control is also unnatural, as is modern medicine, clothing, cars, and the internet. Do you use any of those things? What does the unnaturalness of something have to do with it being right or wrong?
"'But homosexuality is a choice!'" Nonsense. If that were true, then our heterosexuality would also be a choice. Does your sexual orientation feel like a choice? Would you purposely choose an orientation that people hated, run the risk of being disowned by family members, of hurting those you love most, of struggling with severe self-loathing and the loathing of much of society and of your own religion? How would you feel if you were told that you must either change your orientation or never, ever have a physical relationship with someone you loved? Would you still stick with your 'choice'?"
For now, that is what I have to say on the subject. If you would like to know more about homosexuality as well as many other doctrines that have undergone huge shifts in the LDS church, I would highly recommend the book "Thou Shalt Question". Although I may not have covered every single contingency that exists out there against gay marriage and equality, I have covered a vast majority of them.
Also, if you would like to get into a debate about whether or not there is biological evidence supporting homosexuality, I would be happy to point out the more than one-hundred studies about the biological origins of homosexuality. Oh and of course, everyone's an expert in this topic, except me because I'm gay, even though I'm getting a master's degree in psychology and every neuroscience and psychology professor that I've ever come in contact with (yup even at BYU!) agrees that homosexuality has biological origins.
Finally, I want to leave you with a personal statement about the psychological damage that can be done to a person. This isn't some make-believe person, this is what I hear on a daily basis.
Love the sinner hate the sin? Well, guess that already labels me a sinner with all the prejudiced views thereof. Can you imagine for a moment what it feels like to hear from your best friend that they won't come to your wedding because it's wrong? Or when a bishop (supposedly delivering the word of God) tells you you're going to hell? Or when you pray night and day to be "normal" only to never be changed? To hear from friends, family, and strangers all over the Internet and in real life that your love is sick, disgusting, unwanted, and wrong? To be accused of destroying the fabric of society? To be harassed, teased, tormented, and potentially bullied that it feels like the only way out is to blot out your own existence?
Ya, I didn't think it felt very good either. The New Testament and the Book of Mormon share a whole lot more stories of love, support, and respect than condemnation and hellfire. Maybe we can all take a page from those books.
It seems to be the only argument people can come up with against gay marriage is that it is offensive to their religious institution in some form or another. The funny thing is, a lot of religious people are arguing against others who are not so religious. And even people who are religious are arguing against other religions! It gets to the point of being a little bit ridiculous. It's like a physicist and a chemist trying to argue about the speed of light. Neither of them speak a similar language, and even though they are arguing about the same topic, all they would be doing is speaking *past* each other because they have no common ground. Differing religions might have some common grounds but using the principles of one religion isn't going to convince someone of another religion to start acting differently.
Let me give you an example: the Jewish people do not eat pork. Why is that? Because it specifically says in the Bible (more or less) that eating pork is disgusting and should not happen. But for the most part, I bet my readers eat pork. Why is that? Probably because we are not Jewish, and do not believe in that assessment. If a Jewish person came up to you and started arguing about how sinful you were because you consumed pork, you would throw out their argument as ludicrous because, you don't believe what they believe!
So why is it that members of the LDS church, who overwhelmingly supported and propagated the passing of Proposition 8 in California, can try to impose their views on others? The majority of the population in California is *not* LDS. So they can obviously try and make law their views and throw them onto other people right? Well maybe in this context, but if a Californian tried to outlaw a Mormon belief (let's pretend reading the Book of Mormon), the LDS church would be up in arms about their religious freedoms being trampled on! They would not stand for it!
I borrowed this from a friend's status on facebook: "Money quote from Rev. Barry Lynn, head of Americans United for Separation of Church and State:
' ... Opponents of same-sex marriage have been unable to muster any arguments other than it offends their theology. We have a secular government, and dogma should not and cannot be transformed into law.'
But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's return to the religious reasons why gay marriage and equality is wrong.
It is going to cause beastiality--really? This is quite possibly the dumbest argument against gay marriage that has ever existed. I hate to break it to you, but marriage is between consenting *adults*. It is not between one consenting adult and one animal ok? There is no basis for a logical argument here.
It will ruin the sanctity of marriage--also really? I'm pretty sure that heterosexuals have already done a pretty bang up job at ruining the sanctity of marriage. Did you know that about 50% of children born were born by accident? So half the population running around are born because mommy and daddy (or a whole slew of variations between the two genders) made a mistake. But besides that, we already have the wonderful political figures of today shouting, "My affair makes me more American!" Or we have the lovely Kardashian woman gaining millions upon millions of dollars from her marriage and subsequent divorce days later. And let's not forget Britney Spears' just for fun few minute marriage with a divorce.
It's in the Bible and for Mormons the Book of Mormon--not true. From the book, "Thou Shalt Question" by M.J. Prometheus it says:
"Sometimes people cite 2 Nephi 13:9 which states 'their sin to be even as Sodom,' as a reference to homosexuality. It is a common misconception within the church and some other Christian faiths that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was homosexuality, but this is unsupported by both scripture and prophets. The sins of Sodom are listed in the Old Testament itself and include pride and ignoring the poor (Ezekial 16:49-50 and Zephaniah 2:9-10), idolatry (Deuteronomy 32:32-38), adultery and lying (Jeremiah 23:14), but not once is homosexuality listed. In General Conference Apostle Parley P. Pratt said the sin of Sodom was fornication (April 10, 1853, JD Vol. 1). President John Taylor said the same (October 19, 1884, JD Vol. 25). Apostle Orson Pratt said the sin of Sodom was rejecting the prophets (January 2, 1859, JD Vol. 7). Apostle Heber C. Kimball said the same (July 12, 1857, JD Vol. 5). Apostle Wilford Woodruff said the same (January 1, 1871, JD Vol 14 and June 12, 1881, JD Vol. 22). Joseph Smith himself said, 'The judgments of God have rested upon people, cities and nations, in various ages of the world, which was the case with the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, that were destroyed for rejecting the Prophets." (January 22, 1843, HC Vol. 5, p. 257.) Much of the confusion among Latter-day saints might be due to footnote b in 2 Nephi 13:9, which points the reader to 'Homosexuality' in the Topical Guide. We would do well to remember that the footnotes and chapter headings in the LDS editions of the scriptures are not considered church doctrine; they were composed largely by Apostle Bruce R. McConkie as a useful study guide and nothing more. McConkie and a few others did believe the sin of Sodom was homosexuality, but as suggested by an abundance of Bible verses (which are doctrinal) and quotes from modern prophets including Joseph Smith (which are also doctrinal), McConkie was wrong."
Porn and masturbation make you gay--uh...yes, and that is why every male on the planet is gay. Give me a break! If porn and masturbation made a person gay, the majority of the world's population would be a flaming homosexual. Let's use some logic here people!
The prophets are inspired by God and are not subjected to their own prejudicial thoughts--let me show you how that's not true. From Apostle Mark E. Peterson, "Race Problems - As They Affect The Church," Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, BYU, August 27, 1954.
"The reason that one would lose his blessings by marrying a Negro is due to the restriction placed upon them. 'No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood' (Brigham Young).
"The discussion on civil rights, especially over the last 20 years, has drawn some very sharp lines. It has blinded the thinking of some of our own people, I believe. They have allowed their politician affiliations to color their thinking to some extent, and then, of course, they have been persuaded by some of the arguments that have been put forth. We who teach in the Church certainly must have our feet on the ground and not to be led astray by the philosophies of men on this subject.
"We must not allow our feelings to carry us away, nor must we feel so sorry for Negroes that we will open our arms and embrace them with everything we have. Remember the little statement that we used to say about sin, 'First we pity, then endure, then embrace'...
"If that negro is willing when he hears of the gospel to accept it, he may have many of the blessings of the gospel. In spite of all he did in the pre-existent life, the Lord is willing, if the negro accepts that gospel with real, sincere faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessings of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get celestial glory."
Um...ouch! These quotes sound a tiny bit familiar with all the rants about LDS members having their feet planted and not being moved. But hey, the prophets can't be controlled by their own prejudicial thoughts, that's why African Americans still don't have the priesthood right?
And don't even get me started on how church leaders have changed their minds about polygamy (Joseph Smith had *many* wives and even took them from other married men), how women should be treated (In the Bible women are property and can be bought, sold, traded, etc), and when we should eat meat (In D&C 89 it actually says we should only eat meat in winter and times of famine, but who's listening right?).
They should call it a "Civil Union" and not marriage--Have you been through the temple? Did you know that the word "marriage" is not actually used once in the marriage ceremony? People are *sealed* to each other, not just married. So why get in such a huff about protecting that word? And besides, to me, giving homosexuals and heterosexuals different words is awfully similar to how we used to treat African Americans. We had a "separate but equal" idea where African Americans could go to the same places as whites and do the same things, just as long as they weren't in the same room, or touching, or even looking at each other. So really, no one is equal.
Well gay people are just misguided and off the path of Christ--You are not and cannot tell me where I am going to end up in the eternities. You do not have a say in the final judgement. To my knowledge, that is up to Jesus Christ and God the Father.
I think it's interesting, some LDS people think they can pass such swift judgments under the guise of "love" and "concern", but what they're actually doing is judging someone without knowing all the facts. They say, "It's because I love you that I have to tell you this really hard thing..." and then proceed to spew forth why you are so evil, terrible, and will never be happy.
I would never go around telling people how wrong and misguided they are. That is far too hurtful and offensive. I'd rather leave judgments like that up to my Father in Heaven and Christ who both know me perfectly and know the desires of my heart.
Again, borrowing from "Thou Shalt Question":
"...At ever moment in LDS history when a doctrine threatened the church, it was changed. It took far more time than it should have--the general population often figured out what was ethical long before the prophets did--but it always happened without exception, and it happened despite prior promises from presidents of the church that it would never happen. What makes the doctrine of homosexuality any different?
"Some might say, 'But homosexuality is a violation of the very plan of salvation!' I seriously doubt that. Polygamy was also considered absolutely indispensable to the plan of salvation and a critical component of our lives *here on earth*, yet we don't practice that one anymore--at least, not until we get to the celestial kingdom. It may be that the doctrines of God are unchanging, but as we have already seen, the doctrines of men change all the time.
"'But homosexuality is unnatural!'" There is no evidence to support that, but even if it is, so what? Birth control is also unnatural, as is modern medicine, clothing, cars, and the internet. Do you use any of those things? What does the unnaturalness of something have to do with it being right or wrong?
"'But homosexuality is a choice!'" Nonsense. If that were true, then our heterosexuality would also be a choice. Does your sexual orientation feel like a choice? Would you purposely choose an orientation that people hated, run the risk of being disowned by family members, of hurting those you love most, of struggling with severe self-loathing and the loathing of much of society and of your own religion? How would you feel if you were told that you must either change your orientation or never, ever have a physical relationship with someone you loved? Would you still stick with your 'choice'?"
For now, that is what I have to say on the subject. If you would like to know more about homosexuality as well as many other doctrines that have undergone huge shifts in the LDS church, I would highly recommend the book "Thou Shalt Question". Although I may not have covered every single contingency that exists out there against gay marriage and equality, I have covered a vast majority of them.
Also, if you would like to get into a debate about whether or not there is biological evidence supporting homosexuality, I would be happy to point out the more than one-hundred studies about the biological origins of homosexuality. Oh and of course, everyone's an expert in this topic, except me because I'm gay, even though I'm getting a master's degree in psychology and every neuroscience and psychology professor that I've ever come in contact with (yup even at BYU!) agrees that homosexuality has biological origins.
Finally, I want to leave you with a personal statement about the psychological damage that can be done to a person. This isn't some make-believe person, this is what I hear on a daily basis.
Love the sinner hate the sin? Well, guess that already labels me a sinner with all the prejudiced views thereof. Can you imagine for a moment what it feels like to hear from your best friend that they won't come to your wedding because it's wrong? Or when a bishop (supposedly delivering the word of God) tells you you're going to hell? Or when you pray night and day to be "normal" only to never be changed? To hear from friends, family, and strangers all over the Internet and in real life that your love is sick, disgusting, unwanted, and wrong? To be accused of destroying the fabric of society? To be harassed, teased, tormented, and potentially bullied that it feels like the only way out is to blot out your own existence?
Ya, I didn't think it felt very good either. The New Testament and the Book of Mormon share a whole lot more stories of love, support, and respect than condemnation and hellfire. Maybe we can all take a page from those books.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Unicorns, Glitter and Rainbows: My Path to Destroying Society
Let us discuss a question that has weighed heavily on the minds of many of my heterosexual homies: Why do people turn gay? This is a difficult and sensitive topic for many gay folk. Allow me to clarify by sharing my own journey down the rainbow road of homosexuality.
You see, at a very young age I found myself plagued with a powerful biological urge to poop. No one sees anything peculiar about this urge, so nobody ever told me it was wicked, an urge for which I would be damned, so I very happily pooped whenever I saw fit. Sometimes I even took the time to enjoy the sweet relief that pooping provided.
Upon the arrival of puberty I found myself plagued with new things: hair where no hair grew before, pimples where before there was only undefiled alabaster skin, and a mighty biological urge to rid myself of the enormous sperm armies my body produced on an hourly basis. While those around me considered pooping—and even the enjoying thereof—perfectly acceptable, I was taught that masturbation was evil and the enjoying of it…well, that was evil cubed.
What does this have to do with being gay, you might ask? While I learned very early that masturbation was evil, no one informed me that it was so evil it would also turn me gay! Every time I evilly released the evil fruit of my evil loins into a sock, shower drain or banana peel, I not only grew in my evilness, but became a tiny bit gayer and gayer.
I suppose, however, that I cannot blame masturbation for all my gay. Try as I might, no matter how many torrents of loin fruit I released from my mighty scrotum, a little bit of straight still remained. There must have been something else…ah yes, I remember. One day I woke up and I thought to myself, "I want to be different from everyone around me, because being different is fun! People always make sure the different one is accepted, beloved, and showered with kindness. I also enjoy being told that I am an abomination to God! And hey, life wouldn't be a challenge if my country granted me the same rights under the law as straight people! Second-class citizenship worked so well for blacks and women that I'd be a fool not to want it for myself." Upon reflecting upon how greatly the benefits outweighed the costs, I simply made the decision one day to be completely gay. I changed my sexual orientation with a mere thought, just like you could change yours if you chose. It's as easy as changing clothes!
There are many benefits to being gay. For example, I get to destroy the very fabric of society and the family! Why, my daily planner for this very day reads as follows:
Destroy fabric of society
Quick lunch
Dance to Lady Gaga like little fairy boy
Ponder upon depth of own depravity
Dinner
Sing songs about rainbows and butt sex
Sleep. GAY SLEEP, which is totally different from normal people sleep.
But how, precisely, does one go about destroying society? First, I take the hope of a monogamous relationship, add to it my desire for a nice house and perfectly manicured lawn, and wrap it all up with the dream of adopting a child or two and saving them from the drastically overcrowded foster care system. It's a recipe for complete and utter disaster, I know! It's dripping with so much evil that Hitler just had an orgasm. Doing this destroys the sanctity of marriage, of course, because…because it just does and I'm naughty like that.
There is another arrow in my engorged quiver of gayness-spreading. Did you know that just being around gays makes you a flaming homo? My gay aura is so immense that those around me often convert immediately to the way of the gay. Just last week at the mall I passed a group of teenage boys. As soon as my queer emanations washed over them, they broke out into a frenzy of gay! Like lovely little pixies they pranced to the nearest Express store, shopped to their hearts content, giggled uncontrollably at cute boys walking by and held hands down the aisle. Justin Bieber himself could not have raised the flames any higher. Another day I was enjoying a dip in a public pool. Tragically, my gay aura preventer—a manly swimsuit with pictures of power tools and Chuck Norris—failed and all that gooey aura got into the water. Children instantly turned gay, splashing each other with limp wrists and lisping happily, "I got you, you silly goose!" An adult accidentally swallowed some water and soon doubled over on the pavement, puking up unicorns, glitter and episodes of Will & Grace. 'Twas madness!
There you have it. I hope this very special educational blog will clear up all the nasty rumors and lies spread about us gays. Now if you'll excuse me, a new episode of Glee is on.
P.S. A very special thank you to my brother who proofread this post and made it extra funny!
You see, at a very young age I found myself plagued with a powerful biological urge to poop. No one sees anything peculiar about this urge, so nobody ever told me it was wicked, an urge for which I would be damned, so I very happily pooped whenever I saw fit. Sometimes I even took the time to enjoy the sweet relief that pooping provided.
Upon the arrival of puberty I found myself plagued with new things: hair where no hair grew before, pimples where before there was only undefiled alabaster skin, and a mighty biological urge to rid myself of the enormous sperm armies my body produced on an hourly basis. While those around me considered pooping—and even the enjoying thereof—perfectly acceptable, I was taught that masturbation was evil and the enjoying of it…well, that was evil cubed.
What does this have to do with being gay, you might ask? While I learned very early that masturbation was evil, no one informed me that it was so evil it would also turn me gay! Every time I evilly released the evil fruit of my evil loins into a sock, shower drain or banana peel, I not only grew in my evilness, but became a tiny bit gayer and gayer.
I suppose, however, that I cannot blame masturbation for all my gay. Try as I might, no matter how many torrents of loin fruit I released from my mighty scrotum, a little bit of straight still remained. There must have been something else…ah yes, I remember. One day I woke up and I thought to myself, "I want to be different from everyone around me, because being different is fun! People always make sure the different one is accepted, beloved, and showered with kindness. I also enjoy being told that I am an abomination to God! And hey, life wouldn't be a challenge if my country granted me the same rights under the law as straight people! Second-class citizenship worked so well for blacks and women that I'd be a fool not to want it for myself." Upon reflecting upon how greatly the benefits outweighed the costs, I simply made the decision one day to be completely gay. I changed my sexual orientation with a mere thought, just like you could change yours if you chose. It's as easy as changing clothes!
There are many benefits to being gay. For example, I get to destroy the very fabric of society and the family! Why, my daily planner for this very day reads as follows:
Destroy fabric of society
Quick lunch
Dance to Lady Gaga like little fairy boy
Ponder upon depth of own depravity
Dinner
Sing songs about rainbows and butt sex
Sleep. GAY SLEEP, which is totally different from normal people sleep.
But how, precisely, does one go about destroying society? First, I take the hope of a monogamous relationship, add to it my desire for a nice house and perfectly manicured lawn, and wrap it all up with the dream of adopting a child or two and saving them from the drastically overcrowded foster care system. It's a recipe for complete and utter disaster, I know! It's dripping with so much evil that Hitler just had an orgasm. Doing this destroys the sanctity of marriage, of course, because…because it just does and I'm naughty like that.
There is another arrow in my engorged quiver of gayness-spreading. Did you know that just being around gays makes you a flaming homo? My gay aura is so immense that those around me often convert immediately to the way of the gay. Just last week at the mall I passed a group of teenage boys. As soon as my queer emanations washed over them, they broke out into a frenzy of gay! Like lovely little pixies they pranced to the nearest Express store, shopped to their hearts content, giggled uncontrollably at cute boys walking by and held hands down the aisle. Justin Bieber himself could not have raised the flames any higher. Another day I was enjoying a dip in a public pool. Tragically, my gay aura preventer—a manly swimsuit with pictures of power tools and Chuck Norris—failed and all that gooey aura got into the water. Children instantly turned gay, splashing each other with limp wrists and lisping happily, "I got you, you silly goose!" An adult accidentally swallowed some water and soon doubled over on the pavement, puking up unicorns, glitter and episodes of Will & Grace. 'Twas madness!
There you have it. I hope this very special educational blog will clear up all the nasty rumors and lies spread about us gays. Now if you'll excuse me, a new episode of Glee is on.
P.S. A very special thank you to my brother who proofread this post and made it extra funny!
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