Unicorns, Glitter and Rainbows: My Path to Destroying Society

Let us discuss a question that has weighed heavily on the minds of many of my heterosexual homies: Why do people turn gay? This is a difficult and sensitive topic for many gay folk. Allow me to clarify by sharing my own journey down the rainbow road of homosexuality.

You see, at a very young age I found myself plagued with a powerful biological urge to poop. No one sees anything peculiar about this urge, so nobody ever told me it was wicked, an urge for which I would be damned, so I very happily pooped whenever I saw fit. Sometimes I even took the time to enjoy the sweet relief that pooping provided.  

Upon the arrival of puberty I found myself plagued with new things: hair where no hair grew before, pimples where before there was only undefiled alabaster skin, and a mighty biological urge to rid myself of the enormous sperm armies my body produced on an hourly basis.  While those around me considered pooping—and even the enjoying thereof—perfectly acceptable, I was taught that masturbation was evil and the enjoying of it…well, that was evil cubed.

What does this have to do with being gay, you might ask? While I learned very early that masturbation was evil, no one informed me that it was so evil it would also turn me gay! Every time I evilly released the evil fruit of my evil loins into a sock, shower drain or banana peel, I not only grew in my evilness, but became a tiny bit gayer and gayer.

I suppose, however, that I cannot blame masturbation for all my gay. Try as I might, no matter how many torrents of loin fruit I released from my mighty scrotum, a little bit of straight still remained. There must have been something else…ah yes, I remember. One day I woke up and I thought to myself, "I want to be different from everyone around me, because being different is fun! People always make sure the different one is accepted, beloved, and showered with kindness. I also enjoy being told that I am an abomination to God! And hey, life wouldn't be a challenge if my country granted me the same rights under the law as straight people! Second-class citizenship worked so well for blacks and women that I'd be a fool not to want it for myself."  Upon reflecting upon how greatly the benefits outweighed the costs, I simply made the decision one day to be completely gay. I changed my sexual orientation with a mere thought, just like you could change yours if you chose. It's as easy as changing clothes!

There are many benefits to being gay. For example, I get to destroy the very fabric of society and the family!  Why, my daily planner for this very day reads as follows:
Destroy fabric of society
Quick lunch
Dance to Lady Gaga like little fairy boy
Ponder upon depth of own depravity
Dinner
Sing songs about rainbows and butt sex
Sleep. GAY SLEEP, which is totally different from normal people sleep.

But how, precisely, does one go about destroying society?  First, I take the hope of a monogamous relationship, add to it my desire for a nice house and perfectly manicured lawn, and wrap it all up with the dream of adopting a child or two and saving them from the drastically overcrowded foster care system. It's a recipe for complete and utter disaster, I know!  It's dripping with so much evil that Hitler just had an orgasm. Doing this destroys the sanctity of marriage, of course, because…because it just does and I'm naughty like that.

There is another arrow in my engorged quiver of gayness-spreading. Did you know that just being around gays makes you a flaming homo? My gay aura is so immense that those around me often convert immediately to the way of the gay. Just last week at the mall I passed a group of teenage boys. As soon as my queer emanations washed over them, they broke out into a frenzy of gay!  Like lovely little pixies they pranced to the nearest Express store, shopped to their hearts content, giggled uncontrollably at cute boys walking by and held hands down the aisle. Justin Bieber himself could not have raised the flames any higher. Another day I was enjoying a dip in a public pool. Tragically, my gay aura preventer—a manly swimsuit with pictures of power tools and Chuck Norris—failed and all that gooey aura got into the water.  Children instantly turned gay, splashing each other with limp wrists and lisping happily, "I got you, you silly goose!"  An adult accidentally swallowed some water and soon doubled over on the pavement, puking up unicorns, glitter and episodes of Will & Grace. 'Twas madness!

There you have it.  I hope this very special educational blog will clear up all the nasty rumors and lies spread about us gays. Now if you'll excuse me, a new episode of Glee is on.

P.S. A very special thank you to my brother who proofread this post and made it extra funny!

Will You Please Just Listen?

I've had a problem with listening to people in the past. Well, actually, I would consider myself a very good listener; that is, at first. All sorts of different people have come up to me and started talking to me and tell me how comfortable they are talking to me. I think it's because I genuinely invest myself in their conversations. The problem I have is when people come to me with a problem--I jump in and start offering my opinion on things.

Now that might be good for people who are actively seeking an opinion from an outside source. But what about those people that just need someone to listen to them? They have a heart that is so heavy, and their burden so big that they most probably just want to be heard. I'm crying right now because that's exactly how I feel right now.

I'm under a lot of stress. Obviously school is a hard time for everyone, and maybe this is just one of those run-of-the-mill times when I'm going to get stressed out and have to push through. But being the person I am, I need someone to listen to me. I want some empathy, not sympathy.

"I know exactly how you feel..." What an overused sentence. And what an incredible over-generalization. I mean really? You've had the exact same experiences as that person to know exactly how emotionally charged this situation is to them and why? You've formed the exact same emotional pathways for neurotransmitters to create the same brain chemistry? You come from the same culture, ethnic group, and gender? Well, I suppose if you answered yes to all of these, then you are either an exact clone of someone, or you're so naive as to think that you actually know exactly how someone feels.

I know that sounds harsh. And I know people have good intentions when they use that phrase. But I've made it a point to never say that. When my brother died, I never heard that phrase. It was one of the first instances in my life where people would tell me they didn't know what to say. It was a relief! It was nice to hear that they didn't understand--which I then assume is an opportunity to help them understand. Together we can create a mutual bonding, and empathic experience where an understanding is shared, even if it isn't *exactly* what the other person is feeling.

Ahem...so where was I...? Oh yes. I need someone to listen to me right now. Some would call it whining. I would call it an adequate utilization of a technique to cope with stress. And since I am the counselor, I am right. So there.

Today has been a day of people not listening. More specifically, tonight has been one of those nights. I say something to the effect of, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed," and immediately I am expected to come forward with coping mechanisms and strategies so that being overwhelmed is no longer an issue.

We are in such a quick-fix society and it drives me crazy sometimes! Ya I'm overwhelmed, but don't you think that jumping on me and giving me advice on all these ways of not feeling overwhelmed is going to make me feel *more* overwhelmed?

Well, it does. So now I guess I'll get to what is actually bothering me instead of trying to critique all of my social interactions. I'll have plenty of time to do that as a therapist.

Therapist--what is that? I'm sure there's a different definition depending on the person you ask! I'm trying to figure out what that is myself, and that is what is overwhelming.

Some people think of being a therapist as a "soft" job. Something that really doesn't take too much time, effort, or skill to be good at. First of all, when I hear people who think that way I'm hurt. I wouldn't dedicate so many years of my life to something that's easy. I am in it to better myself and those around me.

Secondly, now that I'm actually studying counseling and how it all works, I am amazed at the complexity of it. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone in which you had to pay attention to the details of the message, get a clear picture of the emotions behind it, think of a theoretical orientation that applies to this situation, think of a follow-up question or response that takes into account that theoretical orientation, keep in mind the legal implications of the advice or response you give, make sure that you are showing enough empathy as to make that person feel accepted and safe, and being multiculturally in-tuned enough as to not create micro aggressions or prejudices? Ya, me neither...

But now I have to! It's absolutely exhausting! I find my brain spinning non-stop. I am encouraged to pick myself apart and analyze pretty much everything I do. I am expected to be open, honest, and secure enough with myself to bring forward my insecurities in front of PhD professors, and classmates, and change my deeply held beliefs and opinions. It is a lot to take in and I am just so tired.

It feels so much better to put this out there.

I would encourage everyone to take a little more time in their interactions with people. Of course there isn't enough time to have a full-blown therapy session with someone. But I'm sure you can make the time to hear them out. Maybe they don't even want your advice. It's time to put the ego aside and listen. That's something that I've struggled to do, but I would dare to say that it's greatly strengthened my relationships.

Thank you for listening.

I'd Rather Stay In

Have you ever had one of those nights where you'd rather just not go out? I'm having one of them. I was planning on going clubbing and now I'm just not really in the mood. I know right? *gasp* Steven doesn't want to go dancing?! Oh the horror!

No but really, I'm in a perfectly fine mood, I'd just rather stay in than go out. But my boyfriend wanted to go dancing so off he went.

Honestly, I feel like we have a very good balance between us. We've spent every day for the past week together. We're not sick of each other at all. I know when to give him space so he can keep up with his friends and family, and he lets me have my family and friend time too. Neither of us wants to be "that guy" that falls off the face of the planet when they enter in a relationship!

So here I am. I've kinda been reflecting lately and thought I'd share with you what's been on my mind.

I am no longer working at the Oakley School. Actually, I was put on administrative leave. There were a couple people there that were very unprofessional. So when I filled out my exit survey, I gave them honest feedback about some of these individuals. The school said they'd like to look into it but that it might be awkward to have me there while they do so they paid me for my last two weeks of work and I didn't even have to go in!

Honestly it's been kinda nice! The only sad thing is that I couldn't say goodbye to my students. They said I could write a letter, which I did, but then when my coworkers read the letter to my kids, some administration said it wasn't okay anymore so not all of my kids got to hear it!

I didn't think I'd miss my kids as much as I do. Honestly, they were a great example to me of love, patience and understanding. There were times when I didn't think anyone cared about me and one of them would do something for me that would just make me smile. It was wonderful!

My boyfriend and I went on a little trip to Vegas together this past week. We only spent two nights at the New York New York, but it was absolutely wonderful! We went clubbing, walked the strip, went shopping, saw two amazing shows, had great food, and most importantly, just enjoyed being with each other. The more time I spend with him, the more I fall in love.

It seems like every relationship goes on a vacation. It's almost like testing the waters to see if two people are really compatible. In my past relationships, there have always been some really serious discussions and some arguments too. But not this one! There have been times when I've been upset, but he just talks me through it. And there are times when I can tell he's a little off, and I'm very understanding.

My theory about true and everlasting love is that you always put the other person first. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it's helped me from getting in my depression cycle where I focus too much on me and getting what *I* want. When my boyfriend comes first, I am honestly happier than when I put myself first.

It has been a little tough lately. He has some really close friends who haven't been all that supportive when it came to him coming out to them. He and I talk about it and he feels better after. What really troubles me is the kind of people these people claim to be.

They're LDS (Mormon), and are supposedly kind, understanding, loving and accepting. But this doesn't seem to be the case withs one of them. I see rejection, pain, suffering, and pride. Pride in the fact that they refuse to associate with someone who isn't exactly like them.

And what a boring life that would be if we were all the same. I mean, Christ himself was friends with everyone. I don't ever remember reading in the Bible him going up to someone, finding out that they were this way or that, and saying, "I'm sorry, you're against my religion and I'm going to shun you now..."

No way! He was never like that! But then some of these friends act just like that! They can be so hypocritical and hyper sensitive. And there is no way to reason with them. They are black and white thinkers and won't be brought out of it.

It just bugs me, and honestly makes me sad. If I were that way towards a certain ethnic, religious, or any other group, I would be so much more lonely and less happy than I am now. If I look at my group of friends, I have friends from all sorts of different backgrounds! They make me who I am today. I am so much more understanding, loving, patient, and generous with those from different backgrounds. No one deserves to be discriminated against just because of how they were made. God made them beautiful, just the way they are.

My father once told me something after I came out, and honestly it made me cry. He said, "You know Steven, maybe you being gay isn't a test for you to overcome. Maybe it's a test for everyone else to see if they will love you like God commands us to love everyone."