We broke up. Since he is not all the way out, I will refrain from naming him. If you did not get the chance to meet him, he was an incredible individual. He was probably more than I deserved.
A million thoughts were running through my head yesterday and last night when I told him we couldn't be together anymore. Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I feel absolutely terrible about the pain that I have caused. It is not in my nature to hurt people or make them sad. So it killed me to see him take it so hard. I did everything I could to apologize and make it easier for him but breakups are never easy. I broke his heart.
I wish there was a way to help him understand that the reason I wanted to end things was mostly coming from myself. The relationship was bringing up issues in myself that I felt needed to be solved before I could be a healthy and stable individual. He thought I was breaking up with him because of his issues. But that's not the case. I did what I thought was best to take care of myself and my personal growth. And I didn't think it would be fair to him to deal with only a partially complete person. He deserves someone whole and wonderful.
I have a fear of being alone. It's almost like a phobia. I think of my life ahead of me and the thought of being alone through it all scares me to death. Some people are more wired to be monogamous and others to just have friends and still others to have multiple partners. I dream of the day when I marry the man of my dreams; when I buy a house, start a new life, and make a family with the man I love.
One hard thing about living in Utah, or maybe just growing up LDS, is that this fear of being alone is instilled in us. Maybe not purposely but it seems like everyone I talk to has the same goal: get married, and have a family and live happily ever after. Even though I have stepped back from the LDS church, I still have similar beliefs and values. And maybe that drive for marriage has come from the church or somewhere else. I really don't know.
So, back to my issues. I feel like I jumped into this relationship because of my fear of being alone. I was hesitant to start a relationship at first but here was this wonderful guy, and I thought I'd work it out.
I am now even more firm in my belief that a real, lasting relationship takes two complete individuals. To rely on someone else to make you whole is putting way too much pressure on the other individual, and you don't grow. You actually stunt your growth by doing that. I want to learn how to be more independent, rather than codependent.
I'll admit it. When people tell me something that leaves room to read between the lines, I assume the worst. It's a terrible trait I have and I wish I could get rid of it! It leads to unnecessary arguments and clarifications. I found myself even doing it with the man I loved. That wasn't fair to him. He gave me his heart and that should've been enough for me to realize that I could see him in the most positive light. He had my best intentions at heart. But I couldn't see that.
These next few days are going to be tough. I've already broken down and cried twice at work which is awkward with teenagers running around everywhere. Thankfully, I do have wonderful friends who have been very supportive. I ask those of my friends who knew my boyfriend to please reach out to him too. He needs your help more than I do.
All things balance themselves out in the end. At least I hope they do. I learned so much from my relationship. While I was driving to work this morning I couldn't stop thinking about all the good times, and hard times that I was helped through. And not to mention how I have grown because of the experience. I don't believe any experience is wasted until we choose not to learn anything from it.
So last night, I sat him down and got my feelings out in the open. It was a relief, and incredibly difficult at the same time. We differ on how we view some aspects of relationships. That wasn't the breaking point. One of the biggest reasons I decided to end it was because he deserves to have everything he wants from a guy, without having to compromise. He deserves a guy who is as loving, caring, kind, generous, happy, fun, spontaneous, and just wonderful as he is.
I am a good person. I did my best with what I thought was right, and even though I hurt someone, I hope it is for the better for the both of us. I honestly wish him all the happiness in the world. And I pray that he will one day be my friend. I will always and forever love him and cherish the time we shared. He touched my life, he touched my friend's lives, and my family has already told me how they are going to miss him too.
For now, I am going to take a break from dating. It's time for me to work on me. I am going to get to a point where I am a happy, completely whole individual. Maybe then it'll be a good time to start dating. And I'm gonna make more friends too! I don't think that the first time I hang with a gay guy means it's a date. I am going to step out of my comfort zone and just hang out with good guys. Maybe down the road something will come of it, but for now, it's just me making some good, new friends. I can always use good influences in my life.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Feedback
My father is a business management consultant. Now what is that, you might ask. Well, my dad goes into a business, looks around, finds the manager, consults him, and then leaves. It's a very efficient, yet vague business. "If you can't solve people's problems, there's plenty of money to be made in prolonging them."
When I was a kid, and I came home from school very upset about what someone had said to me, my father would sit me down and ask what happened. I would recount a horrific tale of verbal assault in which I was an innocent bystander and was called the worst thing my 3rd grade mind could imagine: a poo-head.
Streams of tears would run down my face. "Oh the humanity!" I would wail.
My father, with love in his eyes, would look at me and say, "Why are you a poo-head?"
In my fit of rage I would spout a number of things of why he hated me.
And again, my father would look at me and clarify, "No Steven, what can you think of that would make him call you that?"
I was flabbergasted (even though I didn't know the meaning of that word at the time)! My father was supposed to hug me and make it all feel better! He was supposed to say something like, "Oh that so and so doesn't know anything about you. You are amazing just the way you are." And then I'd sniff a little bit and run out to play again.
Now, my little 3rd grade head couldn't figure out my father's wisdom. And even I still have trouble with it now! But I'm slowly getting better at it. Well, I hope so.
I talked with my dear mum this last Sunday about some personal issues I have. My mum is very good at telling me what I need to hear, without it coming across as harsh. But maybe that's just because we have worked through so much before.
Sorry, getting sidetracked. We talked about the way my mind works. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit after being given feedback, of being hyper-critical of the feedback-giver's own foibles. It's almost an immediate reaction. I do take into consideration what they've said. But then I think, "look at all this stuff I'm trying to change and *they* are not doing anything!" Which is probably my attempt to fulfill the victim role and have to do less work than before.
So my mum told me to snap out of that attitude. It isn't healthy for anyone. I end up feeling resentful of the other person, and then do nothing about the feedback I had received.
Now this is not to say that every person should actually follow-through with every piece of feedback given. I was given some anonymous feedback at work saying that I don't care about my students. That's obviously not true. There are much better, higher paying, less stressful jobs out there that I could take if I didn't care. I don't work there for the money. I work there because I care.
So in that case, I feel justified in refusing to really consider that feedback.
But in other circumstances I can't do that. My mum and I also talked about what we expect from other people. We expect *them* to do the work, and in turn make *us* happy. When in reality, if we just worked on making ourselves happy, more people that we surround ourselves with would be happy. "Be the change you wish to see in others"
So I'll end this blog with a funny little story about two of my students at work. And I'll change their names.
Bob and Sally are dating. And they are so mushy and lovey-dovey that I wanna take a blunt instrument to my head when I see them. But Sally is a bit of a ditz.
Students were coming from Spain to visit our school. Every other year, they come to our school, and our school goes to their school the following year. And back and forth we go. Wee!
Anyway, Bob is from Europe. I don't remember which part. When he heard those students were coming, he said, "It'll be so nice to have some other Europeans around."
To which Sally responded, "Bob...Span is in *South America*!"
*Induce blunt instrument head-bashing*
When I was a kid, and I came home from school very upset about what someone had said to me, my father would sit me down and ask what happened. I would recount a horrific tale of verbal assault in which I was an innocent bystander and was called the worst thing my 3rd grade mind could imagine: a poo-head.
Streams of tears would run down my face. "Oh the humanity!" I would wail.
My father, with love in his eyes, would look at me and say, "Why are you a poo-head?"
In my fit of rage I would spout a number of things of why he hated me.
And again, my father would look at me and clarify, "No Steven, what can you think of that would make him call you that?"
I was flabbergasted (even though I didn't know the meaning of that word at the time)! My father was supposed to hug me and make it all feel better! He was supposed to say something like, "Oh that so and so doesn't know anything about you. You are amazing just the way you are." And then I'd sniff a little bit and run out to play again.
Now, my little 3rd grade head couldn't figure out my father's wisdom. And even I still have trouble with it now! But I'm slowly getting better at it. Well, I hope so.
I talked with my dear mum this last Sunday about some personal issues I have. My mum is very good at telling me what I need to hear, without it coming across as harsh. But maybe that's just because we have worked through so much before.
Sorry, getting sidetracked. We talked about the way my mind works. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit after being given feedback, of being hyper-critical of the feedback-giver's own foibles. It's almost an immediate reaction. I do take into consideration what they've said. But then I think, "look at all this stuff I'm trying to change and *they* are not doing anything!" Which is probably my attempt to fulfill the victim role and have to do less work than before.
So my mum told me to snap out of that attitude. It isn't healthy for anyone. I end up feeling resentful of the other person, and then do nothing about the feedback I had received.
Now this is not to say that every person should actually follow-through with every piece of feedback given. I was given some anonymous feedback at work saying that I don't care about my students. That's obviously not true. There are much better, higher paying, less stressful jobs out there that I could take if I didn't care. I don't work there for the money. I work there because I care.
So in that case, I feel justified in refusing to really consider that feedback.
But in other circumstances I can't do that. My mum and I also talked about what we expect from other people. We expect *them* to do the work, and in turn make *us* happy. When in reality, if we just worked on making ourselves happy, more people that we surround ourselves with would be happy. "Be the change you wish to see in others"
So I'll end this blog with a funny little story about two of my students at work. And I'll change their names.
Bob and Sally are dating. And they are so mushy and lovey-dovey that I wanna take a blunt instrument to my head when I see them. But Sally is a bit of a ditz.
Students were coming from Spain to visit our school. Every other year, they come to our school, and our school goes to their school the following year. And back and forth we go. Wee!
Anyway, Bob is from Europe. I don't remember which part. When he heard those students were coming, he said, "It'll be so nice to have some other Europeans around."
To which Sally responded, "Bob...Span is in *South America*!"
*Induce blunt instrument head-bashing*
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
It Gets to You
Wow I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. So I suppose it's time for an update.
I got accepted into the Masters program at the University of Utah to begin my work towards becoming a professional counselor. I am currently on the alternate list for their PhD program so if I don't get into that, I can at least start working on my Masters.
I have a boyfriend! Amazing right? Didn't seem like I was going to get one. We were set up by a mutual friend and I was shocked things worked out 'cause blind dates usually don't end well. But, I wasn't looking and everyone says that a boyfriend comes along when you stop looking for one. So yay me!
I'm mainly writing this blog to get some feelings out that I'm having right now. I do want to address a frustration I recently had.
Someone in my ward read my blog. I have a pretty good idea who it is. He decided to run and tell the bishop about my blog. The bishop then decided to give me a call and talk about my blog. Nothing bad happened. We just talked and he wanted to make sure I was using this blog just as a journal and not as a way to try and teach doctrine or something like that. And I can understand the bishops' concern.
The problem comes in with this guy who ran to tattle to the bishop on me. I mean really...? Nowhere in my blog have I ever stated that my thoughts and ideas were doctrine of the church and that I was trying to persuade people to believe in what I had to say. If you have a problem with me or my blog, say it to my face. Don't try to go behind my back, because guess what? I have a lot of respect for people who bring me feedback out in the open. The people who want to save face or whatever and go around me actually end up losing my respect.
The words from a song keep repeating in my head over and over. The line is, "what if your best just isn't good enough?"
I've felt like that a lot. Actually, most of my life to be honest. Having been to therapy, I've done a lot of work on my shame-based thoughts and behaviors. For some reason, I have an idea about myself that I'm not good enough and I never will be good enough. I don't know where this idea originated, and I probably had a lot to do with it being perpetuated but that's not the point. The point is that some of the stuff that I'm exposed to has really begun to wear me down.
Being gay, I am privy to a lot of information about gay issues. Mostly just because my friends post things on their websites or facebook accounts. And most of the time these things are not good. It usually has to deal with how we are still being denied rights and how we are of a lower class then everyone else.
So what am I feeling now? That I've tried my best and it's just not good enough.
For the first time in my life, I am living as authentic of a life as possible. I'm working on being true to my religion (by living it as much as I can being gay) and I'm also working on being okay with myself as a gay.
But then I see these hate-filled statements that politicians, religious figures, and other people make and as much as I try to not let it sink in, it takes its toll. There are nights like tonight where I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like I'm fighting so hard just to be myself and it doesn't even matter because I'm just not good enough. How I was born and made is just not up to par with what I should be.
So I'm left with this empty feeling inside. What more can I do? How much more am I expected to take?
Unfortunately, the words of others are almost always worse than physical actions. Someone can punch me, and yes I'll have some bruises or damage for a while, but it goes away. The words that I hear stay with me. I can see the article headlines in my mind, "God hates gays", "so and so brings Bible to prove that gays are terrible", and so on and so forth.
Those bigoted words stay with me. People can believe what they want and think that homosexuality is wrong or that's its a choice or whatever else. They're just ignorant. But when people are vocal in degrading a group of people, those people will eventually start believing what they hear.
I know I'm beginning to...
I got accepted into the Masters program at the University of Utah to begin my work towards becoming a professional counselor. I am currently on the alternate list for their PhD program so if I don't get into that, I can at least start working on my Masters.
I have a boyfriend! Amazing right? Didn't seem like I was going to get one. We were set up by a mutual friend and I was shocked things worked out 'cause blind dates usually don't end well. But, I wasn't looking and everyone says that a boyfriend comes along when you stop looking for one. So yay me!
I'm mainly writing this blog to get some feelings out that I'm having right now. I do want to address a frustration I recently had.
Someone in my ward read my blog. I have a pretty good idea who it is. He decided to run and tell the bishop about my blog. The bishop then decided to give me a call and talk about my blog. Nothing bad happened. We just talked and he wanted to make sure I was using this blog just as a journal and not as a way to try and teach doctrine or something like that. And I can understand the bishops' concern.
The problem comes in with this guy who ran to tattle to the bishop on me. I mean really...? Nowhere in my blog have I ever stated that my thoughts and ideas were doctrine of the church and that I was trying to persuade people to believe in what I had to say. If you have a problem with me or my blog, say it to my face. Don't try to go behind my back, because guess what? I have a lot of respect for people who bring me feedback out in the open. The people who want to save face or whatever and go around me actually end up losing my respect.
The words from a song keep repeating in my head over and over. The line is, "what if your best just isn't good enough?"
I've felt like that a lot. Actually, most of my life to be honest. Having been to therapy, I've done a lot of work on my shame-based thoughts and behaviors. For some reason, I have an idea about myself that I'm not good enough and I never will be good enough. I don't know where this idea originated, and I probably had a lot to do with it being perpetuated but that's not the point. The point is that some of the stuff that I'm exposed to has really begun to wear me down.
Being gay, I am privy to a lot of information about gay issues. Mostly just because my friends post things on their websites or facebook accounts. And most of the time these things are not good. It usually has to deal with how we are still being denied rights and how we are of a lower class then everyone else.
So what am I feeling now? That I've tried my best and it's just not good enough.
For the first time in my life, I am living as authentic of a life as possible. I'm working on being true to my religion (by living it as much as I can being gay) and I'm also working on being okay with myself as a gay.
But then I see these hate-filled statements that politicians, religious figures, and other people make and as much as I try to not let it sink in, it takes its toll. There are nights like tonight where I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like I'm fighting so hard just to be myself and it doesn't even matter because I'm just not good enough. How I was born and made is just not up to par with what I should be.
So I'm left with this empty feeling inside. What more can I do? How much more am I expected to take?
Unfortunately, the words of others are almost always worse than physical actions. Someone can punch me, and yes I'll have some bruises or damage for a while, but it goes away. The words that I hear stay with me. I can see the article headlines in my mind, "God hates gays", "so and so brings Bible to prove that gays are terrible", and so on and so forth.
Those bigoted words stay with me. People can believe what they want and think that homosexuality is wrong or that's its a choice or whatever else. They're just ignorant. But when people are vocal in degrading a group of people, those people will eventually start believing what they hear.
I know I'm beginning to...
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