Feedback

My father is a business management consultant. Now what is that, you might ask. Well, my dad goes into a business, looks around, finds the manager, consults him, and then leaves. It's a very efficient, yet vague business. "If you can't solve people's problems, there's plenty of money to be made in prolonging them."

When I was a kid, and I came home from school very upset about what someone had said to me, my father would sit me down and ask what happened. I would recount a horrific tale of verbal assault in which I was an innocent bystander and was called the worst thing my 3rd grade mind could imagine: a poo-head.

Streams of tears would run down my face. "Oh the humanity!" I would wail.

My father, with love in his eyes, would look at me and say, "Why are you a poo-head?"

In my fit of rage I would spout a number of things of why he hated me.

And again, my father would look at me and clarify, "No Steven, what can you think of that would make him call you that?"

I was flabbergasted (even though I didn't know the meaning of that word at the time)! My father was supposed to hug me and make it all feel better! He was supposed to say something like, "Oh that so and so doesn't know anything about you. You are amazing just the way you are." And then I'd sniff a little bit and run out to play again.

Now, my little 3rd grade head couldn't figure out my father's wisdom. And even I still have trouble with it now! But I'm slowly getting better at it. Well, I hope so.

I talked with my dear mum this last Sunday about some personal issues I have. My mum is very good at telling me what I need to hear, without it coming across as harsh. But maybe that's just because we have worked through so much before.

Sorry, getting sidetracked. We talked about the way my mind works. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit after being given feedback, of being hyper-critical of the feedback-giver's own foibles. It's almost an immediate reaction. I do take into consideration what they've said. But then I think, "look at all this stuff I'm trying to change and *they* are not doing anything!" Which is probably my attempt to fulfill the victim role and have to do less work than before.

So my mum told me to snap out of that attitude. It isn't healthy for anyone. I end up feeling resentful of the other person, and then do nothing about the feedback I had received.

Now this is not to say that every person should actually follow-through with every piece of feedback given. I was given some anonymous feedback at work saying that I don't care about my students. That's obviously not true. There are much better, higher paying, less stressful jobs out there that I could take if I didn't care. I don't work there for the money. I work there because I care.

So in that case, I feel justified in refusing to really consider that feedback.

But in other circumstances I can't do that. My mum and I also talked about what we expect from other people. We expect *them* to do the work, and in turn make *us* happy. When in reality, if we just worked on making ourselves happy, more people that we surround ourselves with would be happy. "Be the change you wish to see in others"

So I'll end this blog with a funny little story about two of my students at work. And I'll change their names.

Bob and Sally are dating. And they are so mushy and lovey-dovey that I wanna take a blunt instrument to my head when I see them. But Sally is a bit of a ditz.

Students were coming from Spain to visit our school. Every other year, they come to our school, and our school goes to their school the following year. And back and forth we go. Wee!

Anyway, Bob is from Europe. I don't remember which part. When he heard those students were coming, he said, "It'll be so nice to have some other Europeans around."

To which Sally responded, "Bob...Span is in *South America*!"

*Induce blunt instrument head-bashing*

It Gets to You

Wow I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. So I suppose it's time for an update.

I got accepted into the Masters program at the University of Utah to begin my work towards becoming a professional counselor. I am currently on the alternate list for their PhD program so if I don't get into that, I can at least start working on my Masters.

I have a boyfriend! Amazing right? Didn't seem like I was going to get one. We were set up by a mutual friend and I was shocked things worked out 'cause blind dates usually don't end well. But, I wasn't looking and everyone says that a boyfriend comes along when you stop looking for one. So yay me!

I'm mainly writing this blog to get some feelings out that I'm having right now. I do want to address a frustration I recently had.

Someone in my ward read my blog. I have a pretty good idea who it is. He decided to run and tell the bishop about my blog. The bishop then decided to give me a call and talk about my blog. Nothing bad happened. We just talked and he wanted to make sure I was using this blog just as a journal and not as a way to try and teach doctrine or something like that. And I can understand the bishops' concern.

The problem comes in with this guy who ran to tattle to the bishop on me. I mean really...? Nowhere in my blog have I ever stated that my thoughts and ideas were doctrine of the church and that I was trying to persuade people to believe in what I had to say. If you have a problem with me or my blog, say it to my face. Don't try to go behind my back, because guess what? I have a lot of respect for people who bring me feedback out in the open. The people who want to save face or whatever and go around me actually end up losing my respect.

The words from a song keep repeating in my head over and over. The line is, "what if your best just isn't good enough?"

I've felt like that a lot. Actually, most of my life to be honest. Having been to therapy, I've done a lot of work on my shame-based thoughts and behaviors. For some reason, I have an idea about myself that I'm not good enough and I never will be good enough. I don't know where this idea originated, and I probably had a lot to do with it being perpetuated but that's not the point. The point is that some of the stuff that I'm exposed to has really begun to wear me down.

Being gay, I am privy to a lot of information about gay issues. Mostly just because my friends post things on their websites or facebook accounts. And most of the time these things are not good. It usually has to deal with how we are still being denied rights and how we are of a lower class then everyone else.

So what am I feeling now? That I've tried my best and it's just not good enough.

For the first time in my life, I am living as authentic of a life as possible. I'm working on being true to my religion (by living it as much as I can being gay) and I'm also working on being okay with myself as a gay.

But then I see these hate-filled statements that politicians, religious figures, and other people make and as much as I try to not let it sink in, it takes its toll. There are nights like tonight where I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like I'm fighting so hard just to be myself and it doesn't even matter because I'm just not good enough. How I was born and made is just not up to par with what I should be.

So I'm left with this empty feeling inside. What more can I do? How much more am I expected to take?

Unfortunately, the words of others are almost always worse than physical actions. Someone can punch me, and yes I'll have some bruises or damage for a while, but it goes away. The words that I hear stay with me. I can see the article headlines in my mind, "God hates gays", "so and so brings Bible to prove that gays are terrible", and so on and so forth.

Those bigoted words stay with me. People can believe what they want and think that homosexuality is wrong or that's its a choice or whatever else. They're just ignorant. But when people are vocal in degrading a group of people, those people will eventually start believing what they hear.

I know I'm beginning to...

Online Dating

The world of gay dating is an interesting one. In my experience, most of the first interactions between two people occur online. Let's face it, it's hard to go up to someone and just hit on them. I wouldn't even do that in a gay club, let alone in a normal setting where I could be hitting on a straight guy! Oh and just FYI straight guys, just because a guy is gay doesn't mean he's attracted to you. That's like thinking that every straight girl is attracted to you. But you might already think that...conceited...moving on!

So I thought I'd write a little blog about some of the things that I find funny in cyber dating. Let us first begin with the all-amazing iPhone.

There have been research articles that have shown that iPhone owners are more likely to have sex. Why you may ask? Well, it could be that there are multiple applications for the iPhone which allows a user, using the built in GPS chip, to see who is nearby and of the same sexual orientation. I have a few of these applications on my phone and I've met some cool people and some rather...interesting...people as well. Let me tell you some of the "secrets" to these apps.

Some people think they are being all clever and sneaky when they hide certain information on the apps. The basic information asks for a picture, age, height, weight and ethnicity.

So let's say someone decides not to show their age. They're probably thinking to themselves, "I bet if I don't show my age, everyone will think I'm super young and talk to me..." Uh, no. If you hide information like that, you're basically going to cause the opposite effect. You're hiding your age because your old.

The same thing happens with profile pictures. People choose to showcase a different part of their body, mostly the chest which can make for some great eye candy, or they show a blurry picture of their face. It should come as no surprise when they do actually show their face you might be in for a bit of a shock! Just show your face people! Not everyone is going to think you're attractive! But at least that way the ones who do think you're cute will talk to you and the other ones won't have to dig through the obligatory "hello, how are you? Do you have a face picture?" to find out you're not the one for them.

And why is it that guys are so obsessed with how their chests look? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think a nice chest is...well...nice! But I don't think that every single person on the planet should be required to have one in order to become appealing to the opposite sex. I also think it's funny when a guys' profile picture is just a chest and he says on the profile, "not looking for a hookup..." Well, I hate to break it to you, but showing off your chest without any other information is basically telling everyone you have nothing better to offer than your body. Sounds like you're looking for a hookup to me.

Now on more detailed sites, like websites designed for dating, you can add a variety of information to your profile. I basically wrote a narrative for mine because it keeps the creepers away, while allowing for the people who are actually intelligent to laugh at my writing style, and hopefully proceed to email me.

"Be straight acting" I see that phrase all over the place! Um...I'm not straight. Nor do I intend to be. I don't know what's down there on a woman's body but I'm pretty sure Easy A said it best, "What is with you gays? Do you think I have a gnome down there...?" Yes, yes I do.

So where did this homophobia of other gays come from? Well, I can understand what they mean. I can't say I relish being with a gay who is exactly like The National Enquirer in human form. I can only take that in small doses people. But really? Straight acting? We're all gonna be a little gay! I mean, you like boys, that's pretty gay if you ask me. This is not to say I am extremely feminine. But I'm not extremely masculine either. I'm a healthy balanced gay. Except when I'm hyper, then I tend to get a teensy bit more flaming!

The online world provides a sense of security and a detachment of oneself from the feelings of others. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to chat with someone, and the next thing I know, I can no longer access their profiles. I must have bad breath or something that can be detected through the Internet! There must be some conspiracy going on here...

So there's a little bit about the dating world. It's a little bit messed up. Which is why it's preferred, for me anyway, to meet people in person. I've been told I'm cuter in person anyway.